Kinematoscope

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Do you ever really forget your first heartbreak?

OR: A Story about Family, First Loves, Second Chances and the Moments of Life That Lead You Back Home.

First, a staple: the rhetorical question. Though if I were to answer it anyway, I'd say "No, you don't, especially if your first heartbreak was the moment you realized Nicholas Sparks is a multi-millionaire."

The second tag is an improbably detailed list of what the story is about, although no songs are included. Was there a first draft of this that was even longer? "A story about Family, First Loves, Maturing Your Tween Popstar Image, Reconciling With A Long Lost Parent, Probably A Cute Dog, Someone Dying At The End*, Being White, Sad Piano Music, and the Moments Of Life That Lead You Back Home."

*someone always dies at the end in Sparks things- if someone really dies in The Last Song, then sorry about the spoiler.




Actual tagline: Titans Will Clash.

OR: Between Gods and men, the clash begins.

I feel compelled to point out that even though I've been including the word "actual" in this feature for a while now, that first tagline is really real. In essence, it goes "Clash Of The Titans: Titans Will Clash."

That's... the best they could do? Why not just "Titans. Clashing.", or even just repeating the title?

They did change it later to "Damn the gods." and other such things, but this one is for the ages. If the movie does well, think of all the time it will save future marketers!




Actual tagline: Marriage is an institution they're committed to.

OR: Together. Forever.

Even as an English major and sentence-corrector, I've never been that bothered by ending sentences with a preposition. That doesn't mean the first tagline doesn't sound plain awkward, however- I think it's supposed to be a pun, as if they're committed to a mental institution, but it's trying a little hard to get there.

And how awful is that photoshopped poster? They couldn't even try to take a picture that looked like they were being restrained by giant rings, they just added them around people standing normally? This is so distracting I can hardly even make the requisite Tyler Perry's Tyler-Perry-Produced Tyler Perry Project, Starring Tyler Perry In A Tyler-Perry-Written Role! joke.