Kinematoscope

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Chief Warrant Officer Roy Miller is done following orders

Three things I'm supposed to learn here: 1. Matt Damon plays a warrant officer named Roy Miller. 2. He's like, the best one there is. 3. Remember those orders you gave him? Not happening.

Also implied is 4. This is almost-but-not another Bourne movie.




Actual tagline: To have and to hold... 'Til dads do us part.

It's a high-concept family comedy where two dads try to lay an old feud to rest as their children get married. One is played by Academy Award winner Forest Whitaker. The other is played by Carlos Mencia, without a doubt one of the worst human beings alive today. I'm going to go light something big on fire.




Actual tagline: Live In The Moments

From The Trailer: He broke the rules....He lost his way...Until the moment...He let someone in.

All of those things appear on the screen during that trailer, yet strangely not the word "Twilight." Also "breaking the rules" equals smoking in a non-smoking area. What a badass, you guys.




Actual tagline: How Can A 10 Go For A 5? It'll All Add Up March 12

OR: When she's this hot, You get one shot.

Is this one of those general parody movies, but of Apatow films? Was the working title Shlubby Jew Scores Hot Chick Movie?

More terrible lines flash up there during the trailer Trailer, which has the distinction of finally killing Weezer for me. I gave them so many more chances, but that was it. Something snapped.