Kinematoscope

I think the title speaks for itself here. My personal twitterspace is @frogcynic, and Sophie's is @sophienotemily, and together we DOMINATED the #LOTR tag for a solid week, off and on.

These are our random missives during all three extended editions.

Click for More...

The Fellowship Of The Ring

-Lord Of The Rings! Hobbit-five, everybody!

@sophienotemily: Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring is rated PG-13 for "EPIC battle sequences." That's what it says! Even the MPAA loves this shit.

-So when Bilbo writes "Concerning Hobbits," who is he writing it for? Future non-hobbit races that take an interest in his memoirs?

-Why can't we make fireworks like Gandalf's? Ours plateaued some years ago at fizzling and changing colors ONCE. What gives?

-Where's the "Gaffer's Home Brew" tie-in beer? It could be something hearty and hobbity, like an ale. Or a lager.

-"Proudfeet!" Get it right!

-"Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks!" say Gandalf, while conjuring a cheap trick to appear taller and shinier.

-The One Ring: Now with built-in Anti-Theft Fire-Eye!

-"Shire! Baggins!" is also all I can scream when tortured.

-The One Ring: Re-Sizable and Completely Indestructible, it's the only Horcrux you'll ever need! Call now!

-"Shire! Baggins! But that will lead them to Bagginshire!" #fakemoviequotes

-"A palantir is a dangerous tool, Saruman." "YOU'RE a dangerous tool!" #fakemoviequotes

-Nazgul are SO easily distracted. Frodo should just pretend to throw the ring, and they'd totally run as if he had, like a dog.

-I bet, after all this was over, Aragorn and Arwen must've gotten SO SICK of the Beren and Luthien comparisons.

-White horses always outrun black horses, because they're naturally more energy-efficient.

-I love the heart of Mount Doom. How do you forge a ring from that platform? Really long tongs?

-Lousy Extended edition and its break in-between discs reminding me not to stay up for the next nine hours. More #LOTR later!

-I miss "Saruman of Many Colours" from the books. Wearing white down in the Uruk-hai pits is a major faux pas.

-Gandalf only calls him "Peregrin Took" when he's angry.

-Yeah, Gimli. I'm sure you haven't heard from Balin and co. in Moria for TEN YEARS because they were too busy partying.

-It's Gollum! In early-CGI blackface!

-I like how whenever something crazy dramatic happens (i.e. cave troll stabbing Frodo), we get eighties-rock-video shakicam closeups

-Lothlorien Elves do everything in slow motion, for some reason.

@sophienotemily: Frodo keeps breaking that chain. How does he fix it? Does he carry pliers? Are replacement chains really that easy to come by?

-Aw snap- Hobbits be eatin' things!

-For the record, Boromir kills 17 Orcs all by himself at the end (including 5 after getting arrows buried in his chest!).

@sophienotemily: Anachronistic #LOTR lines: "let's hunt some Orc!" Really? Orc? "Orcs," I would accept.

The Two Towers

-Two Towers time! My question: do Elven shoe-laces untie themselves?

-'Man-Flesh'? The gay bar down by the airport?

-No, not THOSE two towers, Saruman. Haven't you read the books? It's not called "Whichever Pair Of Towers You Fancy."

@sophienotemily: "So an elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark..."

-That random Rohan mom should be on a list of "Most Improbably Still Alive Later" characters, with the son from War Of The Worlds.

-@sophienotemily on Theodred: "He's pretty hot, in a dying sort of way.

-You'd think maggoty bread would be an Orc's favorite sort of bread

@sophienotemily: Anachronistic #LOTR lines: "Meat's back on the menu, boys!" "menu" meaning "list of things to eat" = first used 1837. Also it sounds weird.

-Aragorn's tracker skills are nuts! "A hobbit lay here. His hands were bound. He had a smudge on his left cheek, and was a little hungry."

-Legolas, the magnificent ObviousElf! "The trees are speaking to each other! My hair is blond! That's a bird!"

-"Tree-infested"? Trees are not an infestation, Gimli.

-My new place holders (instead of "uh" and "er") are going to be Ent-noises like "Brrharroom."

-Poor Theodin-King. "I'm free! My beard is colorful! Up top for a high-five, Theodred! ...Theodred?"

-Still aghast that this funeral scene was cut from the theatrical version.

@sophienotemily: @frogcynic there's no time for MOURNING when there is KILLING to be done.

@sophienotemily: "What do you fear, my lady?" "A cage." I forgot how awesome Eowyn is.

-The first time I saw TTT, the Gollum double-speak scene caused some lady to be all "so are there two of them?" Still kills me.

-It wouldn't be an epic without at least one Braveheart-style running battleclash. Wargs ho!

-Brego! You make so much sense in the Extended Edition! Don't get me wrong, if I were a random wandering horse I'd save Aragorn, too

-Faramir and co. battle plan with the ridiculously simple map! It's like using a globe to plan a trip to Martha's Vineyard!

-Faramir's flashback somehow includes a whole scene where he's not within earshot..

-I want a whole short film of Gollum and that fish.

-Where was GONDOR when I couldn't sleep and I need someone to talk to?!?!

-@sophienotemily: "Where was GONDOR when the Titanic sank!?!"

@sophienotemily: I was going to wait until we got to this part in the movie, but I'm impatient: http://bit.ly/4dZAkD

@sophienotemily: WHERE WAS GON--

-"This is all they have? They didn't even bring a heretofore unheard of explosive to blow a hole in the...oh."

@sophienotemily: Anachronistic #LOTR lines: "...embedded in his nervous system!" That one's just wrong. Is there a Middle-Earth Academy of Medical Science?

-Frodo! We thinks you have the crazy-eye!

-Frodo's an old hand at holding swords to throats by now.

The Return Of The King

-It's part 3 of my #LOTR tweetathon! You're gonna be all like "I liked the first two parts okay, but I want to give THIS part 11 Oscars!"

-Research revealed last night that it was, in fact, Smeagol's birthday, but Deagol already got him a present. Just so we're clear.

@sophienotemily: Deagol: *mine mine mine* Smeagol: nooooo it are my birthday

-The days aren't grower darker, Frodo. It's just Daylight Savings Death-Cloud Time.

-How can they hear each other from THE TOP OF ORHTANC? This scene is good to include, but that kills me.

-"Saruman, your staff is broken! And your eyebrows look weird."

-Theoden: "He's prefect for you!" Eowyn: "Dad we're just friends oh my god!"

-"What does your heart tell you?" "Mostly a series of rhythmic thumping."

-If there's one thing I don't like about movie Sauron, it's his tendency to say "I see you!" like a lame peeping tom.

-So Arwen wants to leave until she sees that she might have an androgynous son? Whatevs.

-Arwen: "Reforge the sword!" Elrond: "Didn't we do that already? Like two books ago? Huh."

@sophienotemily: Anachronistic #LOTR lines: "...as the Nazgul flies." "As the crow flies" origin: Pennsylvania. http://bit.ly/2Cgq7K

-How does Gandalf know they've just passed into Gondor? Was there a sign? "Welcome to GONDOR! Home of the White City!"

-So if Sauron had won, what was his plan? Get into textiles manufacturing?

@sophienotemily: Anachronistic #LOTR lines: "Game over." (Legolas/Gimli drinking game, ROTK:EE.) Origin of phrase: pinball machines. http://bit.ly/3Z9pOm

-Funny how Frodo's wound could sense the Witch-King's proximity, but the Witch-King didn't sense the ring nearby.

-Poor Osgilliath, always captured and then recaptured. It's like the Gaza Strip of the War of The Ring

-"So what do you do?" "I live on top of a mountain to light a Beacon in case Gondor needs help." "When were they lit last?" "600 years ago."

@sophienotemily: Merry and Pippin are always cool, but they take awesome to a whole notha leva in ROTK

-Kings have table manners. Stewards apparently do not. Use a napkin, Denethor- sheesh.

@sophienotemily: Weird things Denethor does: has visions of Boromir, makes Pippin kiss his ring, eats random cherry tomatoes...?

-Gimli's straight of out Scooby-Doo during this whole Paths of the Dead part.

-What a classic, avalanche-of-millions-of-skulls gag! I wonder how long the dead army spent setting that up?

@sophienotemily: Crumbs on his jacketses?!

-Classic #LOTR line: "What is it? It's sticky!"

-Peter Jackson = arachnophobic, thus Shelob = hella frightening! I move all horror movies be made by people similarly afflicted by the topic

-What did Gollum think they were doing? Heading for a stay in the Mount Doom Bed and Breakfast? (Great pancakes at that place, btw)

@sophienotemily: Sam: "Let him go, you FILTH!" Ah, I remember making swoony LJ icons about how Sean Astin should be considered for an Oscar for that.

@sophienotemily: As I recall, they involved Sam holding an Academy Award statuette instead of the Light of Earendil. *cough* #LOTR #dorkiness

@sophienotemily: Nobody does grief like Sean Astin, I am just saying.

-Denethor only loves his son once he succumbs to despair? What a foulweather parent.

@sophienotemily: Classic #LOTR line: "BRING WOOD AND OIL!" Elijah Wood, perhaps? Wink wink, saynomore, etc

-Never have more people yelled in the theater than when Shelob is behind Frodo all of a sudden.

-Denethor (on fire): "I IMMEDIATELY REGRET THIS DECISION!"

@sophienotemily: Theoden: DEATH!!!! Rohirrim: DEATH!!!!! Audience: Uh, death? Yay?

-The part where Eowyn and Merry take down an Oliphaunt always reminds me of The Empire Strikes Back.

-Death = just like sailing to Valinor?

-Those Oliphaunts must be annoyed. "Ow! Why are we here? YOU PROMISED ME COMICALLY OVERSIZED PEANUTS!!"

@sophienotemily: Eowyn: "I AM NO MAN!" Witch-King of Angmar: "Well, shit!" *implodes*

-If only the Witch King had been better at riddles. Apparently he was vacuum-sealed. Huh

-I love the Orcs that just see a guy falling and are like RIOT TIME!!!!! AWESOME!

@sophienotemily: Naked, tied-up Elijah Wood time! #LOTR #pervyhobbitfancier

-ObviousElf's proudest moment! "A diversion!" Only ten minutes too late.

@sophienotemily: "A diversion!" I feel like Legolas just zoned out for awhile, like he was thinking about palantir bowling or something.

@sophienotemily: Eowyn: "Woe, I am depressed. The sun has no warmth. Does anyone have any Lexapro?" Faramir: "I will heal you... with loooove."

@sophienotemily: aaagh digitally enlarged creepy mouth (of Sauron)

@sophienotemily: Mouth of Sauron: "It takes more to make a King than a broken Elvish blade!" Aragorn: "Elvish blade THIS!" *chop*

@sophienotemily: I don't think I've borrowed any other line from #LOTR more than "but it is not this day." There may come a day when I do my laundry...

@sophienotemily: Badass Sam moment # 4: "But I can carry you!"

@sophienotemily: aaagh what happened to all their horses??!?! CONTINUITY ERROR!

@sophinotemily: Hey! Eagles! Nice of you to show up, finally. Where were you, shopping for... iPhones? What do Eagles shop for?

@sophienotemily: Thank you for riding Eagle Airlines. Now boarding express service to Gondor.

-Look: Eagles can't fly past fell beasts, arrows, and the lidless eye. You can't just walk into Mordor, and you can't just fly either.

@sophinotemily: Sam: "Don't leave!" Frodo: "Sam, I have really bad PTSD, and they have great drugs in Valinor. You understand."

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Like You've Never Seen Him Before

This is the only wide release this week? Again? Get it together, October. Anyway, might I politely suggest that this should be titled This Would've Been It?

And I really don't get "Like You've Never Seen Him Before" at all- it's just interviews and rehearsal footage. We've pretty much seen him like this for the last four decades or so. Unless the aspect they're trumpeting is "On The Verge Of Death"?

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: The Game Comes Full Circle

Does it? Does it come full circle? Can you promise me that, with your stupid game of lame torture-porn every year having come "Full Circle," that there won't be a Saw VII?

Somehow I doubt it. Happy Halloween, folks.




Actual tagline: Meet Darren. He's sixteen going on immortal.

Darren is no realtion to Edward Cullen, who is seventeen going on immortal, and not in a circus or anything, so there's no way this film, directed by the brother of the director of the Twilight sequel, is a lame attempt to exploit the vampyrsplotation craze that those books/films launched.




Actual tagline: Defying The Impossible. Living The Dream.

I'm all for living the dream, to be sure, but I'm a little confused by the seeming double-negative of "defying the impossible." Couldn't that also be stated as "Obeying The Possible"?




Actual tagline: Have A Blast.

OR: Built For Adventure.

'Cause there's a robot, I guess. The kind of middling slogan-work that just makes me feel sleepy.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: This Fall...Daddy's Home

OR: This Fall... Do You Know Who Your Family Is?

Just so you know kids, stepfathers, in addition to being not your real dad are also murderous killers! Or at least they are this fall!

This should be part of a mini-film festival confirming children's worst fears about people they allready distrusted, along with The Faculty (Teachers are evil aliens!), The Good Son (adopted siblings are psychopaths!), Disturbia (your neighbor is a serial killer!), and The Guardian (babysitters are evil druids that want to sacrifice you!).




Actual tagline: There's One In All Of Us

I'd be snarky about this film, but I'd be immediately disciplined by the Hipster Police (a coalition of agents from Urban Outfitters, McSweeney's, tumblr.com, and all non-Starbucks coffee shops).

I'm stoked for the film, being a hip twentysomething, but has there ever before been a movie made from a children's picture book marketed seemingly exclusively to hip twenty-somethings that were fans of the book long ago?




Actual tagline: The System Must Pay

OR: Justice At Any Cost

OR: How do you stop a killer who is already behind bars?

OR: The Man Who Has Lost Everything is Capable of Anything

The rule is thus: the more generic your title, the greater number of taglines you will need. Law Abiding Citizen needed four to get us beyond the boilerplate reference in its moniker- though that poster doesn't make it terribly clear that Jaime Foxx is the person being hounded by "the man who has lost everything," and not the character seeking "justice at any cost."

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: It May Be Paradise... But It's No Vacation

This tagline is pretty bland, but sweet sassy molassy what is going on with the title of this movie?

Look at it again "Couples Retreat." Not "Couple's Retreat," implying a retreat for couples (which the film is literally about), but "Couples Retreat," implying that couples tend to retreat (in the face, presumably, of Confederate musket-fire, or perhaps their own myriad communication problems).

This is either an egregious grammatical oversight that made it past several rounds of proofing, or one of the lamest titular puns in recent memory: "No, see, it's about "couples" that "retreat" from one another. It's very artistic and interpretive...especially the part with that dude's ass in Jason Bateman's face!"

Only one wide release this week? Huh.

I'm calling an audible on today's entry because of availability issues, and inserting 1938's Bringing Up Baby into spot #206 (even though it's presently at #242), because I couldn't get a copy of The Ox-Bow Incident. How do I justify this seeming compromise of my list-following ethics? Simple: I'm not being paid, and His Girl Friday was one of my favorites so far.

Plus, leopards!

The Key Players:

What's really beautiful about this entry is that I've already introduced director Howard Hawks as well as stars Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn on previous films! Laziness five!

Click for More...

The Story:

Grant stars as paleontologist David Huxley, a bumbling man engaged to his humorless colleague Alice Swallow- why take a honeymoon after they get married the next day when there's so much work to do, she asks.

That work involves finishing a one-of-a-kind brontosaurus skeleton, which awaits the arrival of an "intercostal clavicle" in the mail (googling informs me that this is not a real thing, since we don't have clavicles, or collar bones, in between our ribs ("intercostal") and neither did brontosauri). It also involves David playing a round of golf with an Alexander Peabody, lawyer to a wealthy client that may donate $1 Million to the Museum (which is like $15 Million in today-money).

His golf-game and subsequent donor's lawyer-impressing goes humorously awry when socialite Susan Vance (Hepburn) crashes it by mistaking David's golf ball and then his car for her own. Later that night, she bumps into him again at the restaurant where David is meeting Peabody to make amends- those plans are forgotten when she accidentally rips his suit jacket, and then he tears her skirt by standing on it.

The next day she somehow has gotten ahold of his phone number, and pretends to get attacked by a leopard in order to get him over to her house. The leopard, though real, is tame- it's the titular "Baby"- and Susan just wants David's help transporting it to her aunt's house, as she's mistaken him for a zoologist.

Hi-jinks after hi-jinks follow as Susan contrives to make David late for his wedding, having decided she's in love with him. They steal a car, David wears a nightgown after Susan steals his clothes, a dog buries the intercostal clavicle (which David has inexplicably brought with him) and they need to follow him around until he unburies it...

Also there's another, much less tame leopard that's escaped from the circus.

The Artistry:

Man, do I love these movies. The lines never stop, and the pace never slows down. This movie just took everything I loved about His Girl Friday and added other things I love, like dinosaurs, leopards, and a stronger female lead (sorry, Rosalind Russell, but we can't all be Katherine Hepburn).

The chemistry between Hepburn and Grant isn't really that great, but it doesn't exactly have that much time to blossom between the constant action- besides, it only had to beat that of Grant and his shrewish fiancee anyway. And sure, Hepburn's character is basically stalking Grant's for a while, but funny makes up for a lot. And now, some quotes:

-"When a man is wrestling a leopard in the middle of a pond, he's in no position to run."

-DAVID (After seeing a leopard): "Susan, you have to get out of this apartment!"
SUSAN: "I can't, I have a lease."

-"'He's three years old, gentle as a kitten, and likes dogs.' I wonder whether Mark means that he eats dogs or is fond of them?"

-SUSAN: "Now, certainly you can't think I did that intentionally!"
DAVID: "Well, if I could think, I'd have run when I saw you!"

There's also no end to pratfalls and sight gags in this movie. Of all the classic movie stars I've seen for this countdown, I've become the biggest fan of Cary Grant's sense of timing and put-upon harried-ness: the dinner scene- where, livid at the loss of his dinosaur bone, he spends the entire meal staring at the dog and following it from the room abruptly whenever it left- just killed me.

THE ENDING! SPOILERS!

After falling in a river, chasing leopards through the woods and ending up in jail, David saves Susan from the untamed leopard and finally makes it home.

His fiance storms out on him, fed up with his crazy shenanigans, but he seems hardly bothered. When Susan shows up, having finally found the intercostal clavicle, he soon admits that he had the most fun of his life with her.

Susan promptly knocks over the entire brontosaurus skeleton. But hey, love is a fine consolation.

END SPOILERS

Overall:

The Verdict: Higher!

Well, I've included it in this countdown a full thirty or so spots higher than it is at the moment, so...

The Legacy:

NFR inclusion, AFI lists galore, a reputation as Howard Hawks' best film, now one of mine... pretty much the exact opposite of the film's reception upon release: Bringing Up Baby was a box-office-bomb, Hawks was fired from his next RKO picture, and Hepburn had to buy out her contract with the studio and eventually produce a film herself as a comeback vehicle.

The Best Video Of It On YouTube:

"But why are you wearing these clothes?"



This was apparently the first use of the word "gay" on film- in the modern, orientation implying sense of the word. I like how he jumps about three feet in the air on that line, which was apparently ad-libbed.

Leftover Thoughts:

-If you enjoyed Bringing Up Baby, IMDB thinks you would also enjoy (scroll down to the bottom) American Psycho.

-Sorry for the late, special Saturday edition of the countdown. I always do intend to do two of these a week.

Coming Up...

Tuesday, October 6th: The Battle of Algiers

Thursday, October 8th: The Adventures of Robin Hood

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: In A World Where EVERYONE Can Only Tell The TRUTH... He's Just Invented The LIE

Because the title The Invention of Lying (which is reminiscient of Snakes On A Plane in its explicativeness) apparently wasn't enough, a two-part sentence hammers home the high-concept premise from star/co-writer/co-director Ricky Gervais.

I can't get past the logical contradiction involved- clearly, if he invents the lie, then it's no longer a world where "everyone can only tell the truth." It should more properly be "In a world where everyone has heretofore only told the truth..." and so on.



Actual tagline: Be Your Own Hero

But what if I'm not eligible for women's roller derby? How will I be my own hero? Does that mean I should join the military?



Actual tagline: Nut Up Or Shut Up

OR: This Place Is So Dead

Dead! Get it? Like zombies are dead. And I'll "nut up" when I join the military- all right, movie taglines? Stop telling me what to do with your informal second person commands!

Welcome to anyone linking here from The Large Association Of Movie Blogs, of which I am now a member.

Links that may interest you: my introductory post, the post introducing the imdb top 250 project, the list of all entries in said project.

And click HERE for the entry on the movie Crash (when I flipped out and picked apart every scene) which is pictured in my LAMB induction post.

Hope you like what you read! (You can always subscribe to the feed or become a follower if so).

Today we reach an entry that I've already written about at some length: 2008's The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.

It was a dilemma: do I search for more things to say than I had in February, or do I just go ahead and link you to my write-up during Oscar Coverage and my 2008 top ten list (it was #6) and do something a lot less serious than normal?

Aaand just guess which route I took.

So without further ado, today I eschew the regular format once again and present The Curious Case of Benjamin Button In A Nutshell.

This is my second parody attempt, done much in a style that I hope is somewhat distinguishable from Cleolinda Jones' Movies In Fifteen Minutes.

Click for More...

OUR LADY OF PERPETUALLY UNNECESSARY FRAMING DEVICES MEMORIAL HOSPITAL

Hurricane Katrina rages outside the window

CAROLINE: So mom, I know you're about to die, and I really just wanted to say-

OLD DAISY: (In between Darth Vader breaths) There was this guy who built a clock, one time..

CAROLINE: Uh, what?

OLD DAISY: His son died in WWI, so he made the clock run backwards.

CAROLINE: I don't really see how that relates to-

OLD DAISY: Even Roosevelt saw how totally thematically relevant it was.

BLACK NURSE #1: Excuse me white folks, do you mind if I make a call? My son might be underwater right now.

CAROLINE: Sure, go ahead- though why you'd need our permission I'm not sure.. So anyway mom, I was trying to have sort of an emotional moment with you, and-

OLD DAISY: Let's read an old diary from my bag instead.

CAROLINE: I, um.. what?

OLD DAISY: Just the sound of your voice comforts me. But not your feelings and crap.

CAROLINE: Er, all right... this thing is pretty heavily art-designed... Ahem: 'April 4, 1985. New Orleans. This is my last will and testament, though mostly a testament since I have no possessions or heirs...

We transtion to New Orleans on Armistice Day, 1918. The street is full of dramatically-lit revelers, pretty happy that we avenged Franz Ferdinand or whatever. Benjamin takes over the diary reading duties in Voice Over.

BENJAMIN (VO): My name is Benjamin, Benjamin Button, and I was born under unusual circumstances. A war ended, my mother died, my father nearly drowned me in a river: I've been told it was an especially good night to be born.

We see most of that stuff happen at The Button House, culminating with MR. BUTTON leaving the wrinkly little BENJAMIN on the steps at a Nursing Home.


NURSING HOME

QUEENIE: Oh, it sure is a nice night not to need a surname. What's on your mind, Mr. Weathers?

MR. WEATHERS: Well, you know about how we have our own personal lives, outside of these white folks? Your ex-boyfriend's come back from the war, and-

QUEENIE: Look! A wrinkled white baby!

MR. WEATHERS: Lord! We should probably leave that for the po-lice.

QUEENIE: Grotesquery is no match for a southern matron! I will name him Benjamin.

Benjamin, now a young apparent-octogenarian, begins growing up in the old-folks' home.

BENJAMIN (VO): It was a fun place to grow up, among the mentally infirm. Once I met a young girl named Daisy, and I never forgot her blue eyes.

BENJAMIN: Mama, I'm still kinda old and creepified. Am I going to die?

QUEENIE: You already lived longer than that doctor said you would before he fainted at the sight of you. You just remember what I told you.

BENJAMIN: 'You never know what's coming for you'?

QUEENIE: Not even if it's a box of chocolates.


QUEENIE'S CHURCH MEETING

PREACHER: Here in black church meetings we don't just DO NORMAL CHURCH THINGS, we are compelled to SHOUT THEM AND SORT OF SING THEM AS WELL!

CROWD: Hallelujah!

PREACHER: Lord, compel this OLD CRIPPLED MAN to WALK! RISE UP!

Benjamin indeed walks, in a totally not Gumpian way.

CROWD: Hallelujah!

BENJAMIN (VO): Then, his purpose served, the black preacher keeled over and died for comic effect.

CROWD: Halle...lujah?


NURSING HOME, Some time Later

DAISY: Psst, Benjamin! Wake up! Let's go downsairs to my fort!

BENJAMIN: Uh..okay!

DAISY: I've been asking old people to my fort all night, and you're the first taker! You're odd- odder than anyone I've ever met.

BENJAMIN: I'm not as old as I look. But you're a little kid with Cate Blanchett's dubbed-in voice, so we're even.

DAISY's GRANDMOTHER: AMBER ALERT! Back upstairs, the both of you!


THE DOCKS, Later still

LIGHTNING GUY: Did I ever tell you I was struck by lightning seven times? Once when I was just reading a Winston Groom novel.

CAPTAIN MIKE: Is anyone here so starved for life experience that they'll enjoy doing menial labor on a tugboat? There's really no screening process.

BENJAMIN: Ooh! Right here!

BENJAMIN (VO): He was the best crazy-mentor ever: he taught me to scrub poop off things, took me to a brothel, and ranted about his tattoos for a while. One time I ran into a guilt-ridden looking guy at the brothel.

MR. BUTTON: Your condition must be awful to endure.

BENJAMIN: It's not so bad being old, really. What line of work you in, Mr. Button?

MR. BUTTON: Buttons. Our slogan is: 'Button's Buttons: The Buttoniest Buttons that ever Buttoned in Button-town!' You mind if I drop in on you on occasion, even though we're allegedly strangers?

BENJAMIN: Just keep these drinks coming.

BENJAMIN (VO): In 1936, at the age of seventeen, when I still looked mid-sixites old, I left for Russia. I promised to send Daisy post-cards from everywhere I traveled, because whatever we had was less creepy via post.

FRAMING DEVICE HOSPITAL

OLD DAISY: Can you believe it? He really sent me cards from Newfoundland, Glasgow, Liverpool..

CAROLINE: Looking at the actual post-cards You mean...this is all true? Why didn't he go to the doctor? His genetics could have contained the secret to eternal youth!

OLD DAISY: Norway...

CAROLINE: ...

BACK IN RUSSIA

At a bar

CAPTAIN MIKE: I'm telling you, hummingbirds are amazing creatures! They're enduring cinematic images, for one thing, and their wings make the symbol for infinity!

BENJAMIN: What does that have to do with a backwards clock?

CAPTAIN MIKE: What?

BENJAMIN (VO): Then, I had an affair with a classy British woman, mostly because she mistook my youthful sheepishness for aged wisdom (and I looked like an old Brad Pitt). I figured I'd write Daisy about it, no big deal.

DAISY (in New York): HWHAT?!

Back in the Russian bar

CAPTAIN MIKE: Listen up, you! Since I wasn't already enough like Lt. Dan, our tugboat's been conscripted to serve in World War II. All of my crew are free to quit, or each you and and your one notable personality trait better be ready to fight!

Somehow the tugboat pwns a submarine in a doubtlessly very expensive scene, but several are killed and Benjamin finds Captain Mike with approximately seven hundred bullet-wounds in his chest)

CAPTAIN MIKE: You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse unresolved plot-holes, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.

BENJAMIN: Wait! How did you ever tattoo your own back, anyway?

CAPTAIN MIKE: ...

Benjamin and one other survivor are rescued- Benajmin poignantly sees a hummingbird at sea, even though he's somewhere in Europe and hummingbirds are native to the Americas.

BENJAMIN (VO): Then, in 1945, I came home, looking kind of like Atticus Finch right after retirement.

NURSING HOME

QUEENIE: Sweet lord you're home! What'd you see while you were away? Sadness? Joy? Things that came for you even though you didn't see them in advance?

BENJAMIN: Pretty much.

LIGHTNING GUY: Did I ever tell you I was struck by lightning seven times? Once I was just sharing a birthday cake with John McCain.

DAISY (now a woman): Benajmin! Wow, you look way age-appropriate these days! It must be fate, us meeting again like this, even though I showed up at the old folks' home long after my grandmother's death. Or kismet. I'm a dancer now! I live in New York. You want to see me dance, just for you?

BENJAMIN: Well, I, uh-

DAISY: I have to go back tomorrow, it's a shame. If only there were something we could do for one night. Well?

BENJAMIN: I'd like to, but not tonight is all.

DAISY: Hmmp.

BENJAMIN: Plus, you're a smoker. Seriously- ashtray.

Daisy leaves- sometime later, MR. BUTTON shows up.

MR. BUTTON: Yep, the war's been pretty good for the button industry- lots of money. Sure is a pretty good time to be a Button...also I'm your dad.

BENJAMIN: WTF!?

MR. BUTTON: I just though you were a monster, is all! Also I'm about to die and again, millionaire.

BENJAMIN: Well, it was past time I got around to having a surname anyway.

LIGHTNING GUY: Did I ever tell you I was struck by lightning seven times? Once I was just golfing on top of the Sears tower during a storm. I think it's god's way of telling me I'm lucky to be alive.

BENJAMIN: I think it might be his way of trying to kill you.

NEW YORK, A Few Years Later

DAISY: Benajamin? What are you doing here? If I'd known you were coming, I would've tidied up this den of sin we call New York.

BENJAMIN: Well, I rejected you, so I thought I'd give you a shot at payback. It's only fair.

DAISY: No way! I happen to be dating some douchebag!

SOME DOUCHEBAG: So, you were a friend of her grandmother's?

FRAMING DEVICE HOSPITAL

OLD DAISY: Then I went all over Europe as a dancer.

CAROLINE: You never told me about any of that!

OLD DAISY: Well, you're kind of a square.

PARIS

BENJAMIN (VO): Now, in a very extreme turn of fate I met Daisy again. A truly monumental set of coincidences contrived to lead to Daisy getting hit by a car, so I rushed to Paris to be by her side. Clearly this was the extreme circumstance that would finally bring us together forever, or I wouldn't spend so much time building up to this moment.

DAISY: Benjamin? Get out before I MELT YOUR FACE OFF WITH RAGE!

Audience: Wait, what?

NEW ORLEANS

BENJAMIN (VO): I went home, posed for some Tommy Hilfiger ads, slept around- the usual. Then, in the spring of 1962, she came back.

DAISY: I'm sorry- I couldn't let you see me that way, before.

BENJAMIN: Well, can I see you...naked?

DAISY: And how!

BENJAMIN (VO): It was everything the life of the beautiful and rich could be. We traveled the world, made love, got an apartment. Queenie died, but life was otherwise pretty great... then we ruined it by having a kid. Typical.

FRAMING DEVICE HOSPITAL

CAROLINE: Hold on for just a minute here.

OLD DAISY: Questions at the end, please!

NEW ORLEANS

BENJAMIN: How I can I be a father when I'm heading in the other direction? I'm gonna get shorter, lose mental faculty, need diapers...

DAISY: How many obvious jokes about that being the same as old age do I have to make before you change your mind?

BENJAMIN (VO): When you were one, Caroline, I pulled the old cigarette routine and left. I traveled the world, but I sent you post-cards, so we're cool, right? Button out!

FRAMING DEVICE HOSPITAL

CAROLINE: Worst. Twist. Ending. Ever!

Awkward pause.

CAROLINE: What ever happened to him, anyway?

OLD DAISY: Well, he showed back up once, you met him and we lied to you some more, then I cheated on your "father" with him.

CAROLINE: ...

OLD DAISY: Then a few years back, he showed up as a little kid with Alzheimer's, and eventually died in my arms as an infant.

CAROLINE: ...

OLD DAISY: That was the same year they took down that backwards-moving clock.

CAROLINE: Who cares about the stupid clock? I'm gonna go get a drink.

Daisy looks to the window in her last moments of life and sees a hummingbird, even though they weigh as much as a nickel and Hurricane Katrina had winds of up to 175 MPH.

END.


Overall:

The Verdict: Slightly Lower.

The more I watch this movie, the more I sour on it a little each time. Sophie pointed out that it's not that it's bad, it's that it could have been so great. I like it for the occasional humor, Lightning Guy especially, and as a massive technical acheivement, but Eric Roth's screenplay just kills me, more and more.

Coming Up...

Thursday, September 24th: Bringing Up Baby

Tuesday, September 29th: The Battle Of Algiers

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Dream It - Earn It - Live It

How does one "live" fame, precisely? Also, it's important to follow those instructions in that order- you can't Dream It and then Live It, not until you Earn It.

All the other taglines for the remake of Fame come from the title song, "Fame." Question: can you name anyone from the original Fame? No? Me neither. Ironic, no?



Actual tagline: Don't fear the end of the world. Fear what happens next.

Oh....kay? I'm not sure what I'm fearing, then, Pandorum. Some sort of judgement in the afterlife? Radiation poisoning?

Maybe fear itself?



Actual tagline: How do you save humanity when the only thing that's real is you?

This one leads me to wonder- why are so many tags in the second person? I really don't know the answer to your question, Surrogates, because I am not Bruce Willis, star of Surrogates. Also I can't really answer your question based on the material available to me: based on the poster I'd say...grow a goatee?

Another day, another Best Picture winner on the countdown- this one 1945's The Lost Weekend.

Here for the first time, Hollywood takes on the evils of liquor and the troubles of alcoholism, with the downward-spiral film to end (or begin, rather) all others.

The Key Players:

Billy Wilder, legendary Golden Age director, makes the first of six appearances on the countdown (including Double Indemnity, Sunset Blvd., Stalag 17, Witness For The Prosecution, Some Like It Hot, and The Apartment). He also helmed the well-known Marilyn Monroe vehicle The Seven-Year Itch and the Charles Lindbergh biopic The Spirit of St. Louis.

Our marquee idol is Ray Milland, a Best Actor Oscar winner for this role, who also starred in future entry Dial M For Murder in a long-storied career.

Jane Wyman co-stars- her career includes four Oscar nominations, one win (for Johnny Belinda), the longest cinematic kiss in history (3 minutes, 5 seconds), a late career resurgence on "Falcon Crest" with Lorenzo Lamas, and two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (for Film and TV). She's also the only ex-wife of an eventual president, divorcing Ronald Reagan in 1948 for her Belinda co-star (remember?).



Click for More...

The Story:

A 33-year old failed writer named Don Birnam (Milland) begins the film distractedly packing for a weekend trip with his brother, Wick. Don's girlfriend, Helen (Wyman) and his brother say the trip will be good for him after what he's "been through," but Don claims he hasn't touched the stuff for ten days.

Clearly though, he has- Don has a hidden bottle of rye whiskey (his drink of choice) hanging suspended from the windowsill, and he waits only for his brother to step out of the room before trying to hide it in his suitcase. What follows is a no-holds barred descent into alcoholism, as Don convinces Wick and Helen to leave him alone for a few hours, cons the cleaning lady out of $10 (which is like $88 today) and buys two bottles of whiskey and several more shots at the bar.

The bartender, Nat (whose accent cracked me up every time he called Milland "Mr. Boinum") is a little reluctant to serve a known alcoholic, but he takes his money anyway, and listens as Don recounts exactly how he got such a caring and upwardly mobile girlfriend (Helen works for TIME magazine). They met, as we see in flashback, when their coats were switched at the Opera- Don had ducked out early to get a bottle of whiskey in his raincoat, but without the right ticket to give the checker, had to wait out the remaining acts until Helen appeared. They hit it off, and Don even lies about the bottle of whiskey when it falls from his coat, claiming it to be for a sick friend.

Later, we see Don, an unemployed writer who can never start what he finishes, back out of meeting Helen's parents when he overhears them wondering about what kind of future he has. He needs one drink to face them, but one drink becomes two, and so on, until Helen finds him in a stupor at his apartment and learns of his alcoholism for the first time. But with true 1940s stick-to-it-iveness, she shrugs it off and vows to help him, and help him get a job, and kisses the drunken wretch! If this woman and Don's saintly brother can't save him, then surely nothing can.

Coming back to the present of the narrative, we're reminded Don still hasn't changed. He decides, in a moment of clarity, to finally write That Novel (oh, That Novel. I've been writing my That Novel since February) and runs up to his apartment and begins click-clacking the typewriter.

About a half shake of a lamb's tail later (does that expression mean time? Or is a "lamb tail shake" a measure of distance?) he's tearing apart his apartment, looking for the second bottle of whiskey he drunkenly hid the night before. He finds it, dramatically, hidden in the overhead light, and drinks himself to sleep again.

The next day, avoiding the phone, Helen's visits, and his landlady (Wick has given up and gone on the weekend trip without him), Don tries to pawn his typewriter for more booze money, but finds the pawn-shops all closed. He finally pathetically begs one shot from Nat, who kicks him out, and some money from a barfly girl that he stood up the night before. But he (hilariously) trips over a child's bicycle on the stairs and wakes up in an alcoholic ward!

There, an orderly tells frightening tales of small animal hallucinations brought on by withdrawal, and Don witnesses the frenzied shouting of the other inmates.

Has he finally hit rock bottom?

The Artistry:

The Lost Weekend was the first real look at the perils of binge-drinking and chronic alcoholism, at least in a serious manner- plenty of drunks and lushes had been played for laughs in the pictures to that point. The liquor companies even allegedly offered Paramount $5 Million dollars (which is like $44 Million today) not to release the film- curiously, temperance groups also lobbied against it, claiming it would promote drinking.

People even told Milland, a classic hero/leading man type, that the role of a slovenly drunkard would ruin his career- as it turned out, it was his most memorable role. Milland, in a performance that's sort of a dark mirror of Jimmy Stewart-like histrionics (because it's not, you know, funny), really succeeds at portraying a hopeless depression along with the addiction- all of the tropes we've come to expect from cinematic fall from graces started with this performance, in a lot of ways.

The novel that The Lost Weekend is based on has one key element that Wilder and co. removed: the Birnam in the book is driven to drink by the memories of a homosexual college experience that he still finds confusing- movie Birnam is just a writer that can't write and can't admit that he should do something else. I can't imagine that making the cut in the days of the Hayes Code, but it clearly would've been an entirely different film. The Lost Weekend still fares plenty well, and in a more universally relate-able way without it.

From a technical standpoint, it used some standard hazy lenses to get us into flashbacks, and I admired the way the plot was broken up, but the most memorable element was the score: the first film to use a theremin in the score, the drinking sequences were given shrieking notes of terror akin to anything from The Day The Earth Stood Still.

THE ENDING! SPOILERS!

Well, Don just up and walks out of the alcoholic ward (apparently they were pretty lax back in the day), and finds Helen on his doorstep. She comforts Don as much as she can (he's now hallucinating a rat coming out of the wall, which is then attacked by an hilariously fake looking bat), but the next morning sees him stealing her coat and running to a pawnshop. She goes to buy back the coat, only to find that Don had pawned it for a gun!

Don writes a suicide note (advising his brother to go with a small service and "a couple of good jokes"). Helen returns, sees the gun, and tries to distract Don with a drink. But he won't even take it, such is his resolve all of sudden to end it! All looks bleak.

But the Nat shows up at the door, miraculously, returning Don's typewriter, which he had dropped when he fell down the stairs. Taking it as a sign, Don sits down to write a novel based on his lost weekend, putting out a cigarette in his whiskey instead of drinking it.

He ends the film speculating to Helen about how many more poor schmucks must be out there, wondering where the next drink will come from, just like him.

END SPOILERS


Overall: Should it be Higher or Lower?

The Verdict: Lower

Paving the way as it did for the Leaving Las Vegases of the world, it wasn't that much fun to watch, and the score was terribly distracting, to be honest. I appreciate Milland's work, but I'm more excited for most of the other Billy Wilder films.

The Legacy:

Can four Oscars (Picture, Director, Actor, Screenplay) and the Palm D'Or at Cannes be wrong? The Lost Weekend was also referenced a couple times in "Looney Tunes" (including a mouse reading a book titled The Lost Squeakend) and its influence can be seen in every "waking up surrounded by bottles" scene ever.

The Best Video Of It On YouTube:

Psychadelic fake bat freakout!



Leftover Thoughts:

-Ray Milland gave the shortest Oscar acceptance speech ever- he just bowed and left the stage. That is bad-ass.

-I am currently a 25-year-old unpublished writer. If I'm still unpublished eight years later (Birnam was 33), maybe I'll be way more into this movie.

Coming Up...

Tuesday, September 22nd: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button


Thursday, September 24th: Bringing Up Baby

When I am a famous film blogger, and I fly to TIFF and Telluride and TRIBECA and Cannes and Sundance and so forth, I promise, I absolutely promise that I will cover them like so:

TITLE: SOME FILM YOU HAVE NOT HEARD OF YET

STATUS: Unsold/ Sold to THIS OR THAT DISTRIBUTOR

WHEN IT IS SET TO OPEN IN NEW YORK/LA: THIS DATE
WHEN IT IS SET TO OPEN IN WIDE RELEASE: THAT DATE

THEN I will say it is directed by SOME PERSON and starring SOME OTHER PEOPLE and it is about SOME SORT OF PLOT OR WHATEVER.

And THEN, only THEN, will I give an opinion on said film you have not heard of yet, and it will be a relatively BRIEF one, because WHO HONESTLY CARES UNTIL IT IS RELEASED?

Not to be annoying, but I am sick to death of reading about Toronto and Utah and France and all these other places that I am not currently existing in, and seeing complete reviews of films that either will not be released for a very long time, will not be released wide enough to come even to Milwaukee, Wisconsin (where I live- represent!), or will never be picked up for wide distribution at all.

I liked reading, in summation, that Up In The Air was wowing everybody at Telluride, because I do care about the bigger picture and Oscar chances and things like that, but I don't need to read your review, do I, because it will not be released in a non-festival setting until Thanksgiving! But thanks for rubbing it in.

My girlfriend Sophie, who is a Young Adult lit blogger, was talking the other day about how YA bloggers who get Advanced Reading Copies (or ARCs) of upcoming novels have an unwritten rule about not posting reviews of those books until they're actually released. And it struck me as a perfectly logical and not-douchey way to go about things.

But hey, what does an amateur like myself know? If I can scrape together some expendable income, I might even attend some showings at the Milwaukee Film Festival, but I solemnly swear not to post full reviews of anything- I know it's contrary to the entire "blogging" phenomenon to write something and then sit on it for an extended period of time, but by golly that's what I'll do.

There. Regularly scheduled countdown entries resume shortly later today.

Hey readers! Remember when we learned about how terrible it was to be in World War One? It turns out World War Two pretty much sucked as well. My question is, when the hell does war ever get fun? Is In The Army Now on this countdown?

No, no it isn't. This means we're faced with the grim reality of 2006's Letters From Iwo Jima, containing much more pathos and realism (and absolutely no Pauly Shore).

The Key Players:

Clint Eastwood becomes our first countdown threepeat! See #229 Mystic River and #213 Changeling for the skinny on the originator of the "Batman Voice."

Iris Yamashita wrote the screenplay, and shares a story credit with the inscrutable Paul Haggis, once again proving he belongs not in the director's chair, but behind the proverbial typewriter.

Oscar nominee Ken Watanabe, known to us uncouth Americans from The Last Samurai and Batman Begins, headlines a nearly all-Japanese cast that I know from nothing else. Co-star Kazunari Ninomiya is apparently a popstar/actor/radio host in Japan of Timberlakian proportion, notably.



Click for More...

The Story:

Letters tells the story of the Battle of Iwo Jima from the Japanese perspective- Eastwood's previous, much less lauded film Flags Of Our Fathers had just depicted the American side (though it focused as much on the famous flag-raising photograph and its effects as on the battle itself).

Eastwood, as much as he courts the moral grey area by depicting both sides of the same battle, still populates the film with effectually good guys and bad guys: our audience surrogates are General Kuribayashi (Watanabe), a forward-thinking general, former Olympic horse jumper Nishi, and Private Saigo (Ninomiya), who just wants to return home to his wife and child.

Those three stand in arms at many different moments with the traditionally uyielding, suicide-in-the-face-of-defeat officers Oshugi, Hayashi, Ito and Tarida.

Anyway, we follow Saigo as he digs trenches and tunnels preparing for the coming siege by U. S. troops, watching his comrades die from dysentery and missing his young wife and child. Kuribayashi laments the lack of support from the mainland- Iwo Jima is ultimately to receive no air, ground, or naval support, despite its prominence as a Pacific launching pad.

The enemy arrives, and the defenses at Mount Suribachi, with Saigo among them, are quickly overwhelmed despite the heavy losses dealt to American troops landing on the volcanic ash beaches. By radio, Kuribayashi orders remaining troops to retreat to the northern caves- the officers on hand, however, honor tradition instead of the general, and order all troops at Suribachi to commit suicide.

After a hoorifying scene in which Saigo watches all but one of his compatriots hold grenades to their chests as they explode, he convinces one other nervous soldier named Shimizu to retreat with him, claiming it is more honorable to continue fighting.

We follow them through a series of harrowing confrontations as they survive ill-fated charges ordered by bull-headed officers, leave behind a blinded-by-shrapnel Nishi (who then commits suicide), and finally near the north tunnels. Shimizu, Saigo's last friend, surrenders to the Americans in an effort to avoid a pointless death, but is carelessly shot by a GI that didn't want to stand guard duty (mirroring the earlier bayonetting of an American POW at the hands of the Japanese).

Finally Saigo and a handful of others reach Kuribayashi, and prepare to mount a last, doomed charge.

Throughout this entire narrative, we see Nishi, Kuribayashi, and Saigo write letters to their wives and children that will never be sent.

The Artistry:

I neglected to mention a modern day framing device in which said letters are discovered in the present, because it adds pretty much nothing other than some archaeologist-type dudes finding some letters. Oh, modern-day framing devices, will you ever go away?

Anyway, Letters From Iwo Jima is nearly our second black and white film in a row, except that its just nearly colorless- it's sort of washed out with grey, letting only the occasional orange explosion or red spatter of blood through the filter, and it certainly sets a bleak tone.

Eastwood, still making everything a western, pits our "fight to the death" cowboy type Japanese officers (Nishi even brings his horse with him) against the "die as soon as you fail at fighting" Japanese stalwarts, and its easy to read it as a condemnation of the quasi-religious Japanese fervor that stoked the war effort for so long.

That said, it's not as if Eastwood is stretching the facts: of 10,000 Japanese soldiers at Iwo Jima, only 216 were taken prisoner. It's just a little convenient that the two opponents of this seemingly irrational belief system, Nishi and Kuribayashi, both think fondly of time they spent in America. Nishi is also the one shown connecting with a wounded American captive, chatting with him about the States, while the other POW is violently stabbed to death.

Saigo is a more effective surrogate, since he just wants to go home, and he has a more universal soldiers tale of enlistment, disillusionment, and a sense of self-preservation above all. His journey may as well be that of a German soldier in All Quiet On The Western Front.

Though the entire story is told with Eastwood's typical one-take directness, it's a pretty stolidly paced two hours twenty minutes- it drags a little bit before the enemy arrives, but really drives home the length of the battle thereafter.

Cinematographer (and frequent Eastwood collaborator) Tom Stern is pretty seamless with the battle mise en scene- I noticed that the camera would be steady as we watched soldiers prepare to fire, and the shake as the guns went off, mirroring the recoil effect. Touches like those (and the Oscar-winning Sound Editing) really put you into the battle, something we sort of take for granted in a post-Saving Private Ryan world.

THE ENDING! SPOILERS!

Kuribayashi, having twice earlier saved Saigo from the wrath of other officers, saves him a third time by ordering him to stay behind and burn important intelligence while everyone else stages the final charge.

That charge, of course, goes disastrously, and Saigo emerges onto the beach to find a dying Kuribayashi, pulled away from the mayhem, and grants his last wish- to bury his body where "no one can find it." Kuribayashi shoots himself, in order to die while Iwo Jima is still technically Japanese soil.

Saigo is later taken captive by American troops, and the Battle of Iwo Jima finally ends.

END SPOILERS


Overall: Should it be Higher or Lower?

The Verdict: Slightly Lower

Definitely a worthy war-movie, as restrained in its bleak and unflinching portrayal of a lost cause as All Quiet On The Western Front was over the top in the wake of the silent movie era.

I only wish that there were more of an effort to understand the culture that was in the last throes of war, rather than glorify the more modern-thinking characters. And I'm not asking for a complex voice-over digression, just perhaps characters that bridged that gap more effectively (to be fair, there was Lt. Okubo, who didn't mind the order to retreat, but shot a fellow soldier that wanted to surrender).

The Legacy:

One Oscar for sound, a Golden Globe for Best Foreign Language Film (it wasn't eligible for the corresponding Oscar, which might be more correctly called "Best Foreign Production"- it requires a foreign director, and shooting location. Letters was filmed mostly in California and Eastwood is as American as they come).

The Best Video Of It On YouTube:

The troubling scene in which people blow themselves up- I appreciated that this is presented without an excess of dramatic framing or heavy score. Just one by one.



Leftover Thoughts:

-I was pretty ready to be pissed if this stole the Oscar from The Departed at the 79th Oscars, but in retrospect it stacks up pretty well against that film. It was more of a spillover from Scorsese still not having an Award for directing at that point, and Million Dollar Baby over The Aviator the year before.

-I first saw this in an empty, very cold theater in January 2007, and I remember getting chills when characters were supposed to be sweltering in extreme heat. It was odd.

Coming Up...

Friday, September 18th: The Lost Weekend

Tuesday, September 22nd: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

Greetings, my friends! Today we take a look into the past, for that is where you and are have spent the entirety of our lives: the past! Tim Burton gives the sympathetic biopic treatement to "worst director of all time" Edward D. Wood, Jr. with 1994's Ed Wood.

And if I take one thing away from this film, it's the idominitable nature of the human spirit, whether you're a closeted transvestite/movie director longing to be accepted, an aging screen legend/drug addict hoping to reclaim the spotlight, or just a film blogger/wannabe entertainment writer not able to keep up with watching three movies a week and writing about them analytically. No matter your dreams, just get them done whatever way you can.

The Key Players:

We once again visit with Tim Burton, director of previous countdown entry Big Fish, wherein I already wrote up his credentials. (sidenote: would you believe me if I told you that Tim Burton has only one Oscar nomination to his credit? Would you further believe if I told that that one nomination was for Corpse Bride in the Animated Film category?)

This is of course his second of approximately eight hundred billion collaborations with Johnny Depp, our nation's favorite pirate.

In support are:

Martin Landau ("Mission Impossible," "Space: 1999," North By Northwest)
Sarah Jessica Parker ("Sex and the City," Sex and the City: The Movie, the upcoming Sex and the City 2: The Quickening)
Patricia Arquette (the aptly-named show "Medium," Bringing Out The Dead, Flirting With Disaster)
Jeffrey Jones (forever known as the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off
And the legendary Bill Murrary (who I'm sure we'll get to later on other things*).

*NOTE: further inspection reveals the only other top 250 entrant will be Groundhog Day. WTF? What about Ghostbusters? Caddyshack? Any Wes Anderson movie? Lost in Translation? Sometimes you fail me, internet.



Click for More...

The Story:

We open on a ramshackle 1948 playhouse, where an audience of a half dozen or so watches a play put on by our hero, Edward D. Wood, Jr. (Depp). He and the cast and crew, including his friend Bunny Breckenridge (Murray) and girlfriend Dolores Fuller (Parker), stay up to read the review in the paper- it's a scathing one, but Wood pleasantly notes that the costumes are called "realistic."

We then see that very little daunts Wood as he goes to work delivering plants on a movie studio lot- he stops by the film stock warehouse to view stock footage that will just linger in storage, unused and comments on what a shame that is. Then he overhears that a movie is being made about Christine Jorgensen, one of the first widely known transsexuals.

He talks his way into a meeting with the producer of the proposed film, George Weiss, by claiming that he's "specially qualified" to direct the project- this qualification turns out to be his secret life as a tranvestite, which he has never before revealed (Wood was heterosexual, but had a thing for angora fabric due to some latent "being raised a girl" related mother issues. No biggy.). Weiss shoos him out the door as an underqualified nut.

Wood is dejected, but a chance encounter turns everything around: he runs into the now elderly Bela Lugosi (of Dracula fame) outside of a funeral parlor (where Lugosi was trying out coffins, you know, like ya do). Befriending the aging star by offering him a ride home (and effusively praising his work), he returns to Weiss armed with a real live (if washed up) movie star for the project, and offers to write a script as well.

Weiss gives in, and since rights to Christine Jorgensen's story were never acquired for I Changed My Sex!, delivers an entirely new screenplay which is mostly a delirious mix of tranvestite sympathy with a bit of sex reassignment at the end (bookended by a vague and dramatic monologue from Lugosi) and is now titled Glen or Glenda.

The film is a flop, but Wood is only momentarily disheartened- he secures independent financing for his next film, Bride of the Atom, a horror movie starring a local wrestler of circus-like proportions. During the course of filming, he recasts Dolores's role on a misunderstanding, talks Lugosi into wrestling with a stolen octopus prop in a swamp at three A.M., befriends a cheesy TV psychic (Jones), and is forced to changed the title to Bride of the Monster by a meat packing tycoon who takes over financing (in addition to finding a major role for the tycoon's idiot son).

Dolores, who had tried but failed to take Wood's earlier revelation of his cross dressing in stride, leaves him at the wrap party, fed up with his circle and his lifestyle (Breckenridge, for example, openly talked about plans for a Mexican sex change operation). Lugosi also repeatedly calls Wood late at night in a drugged stupor, until forced to admit his problem and enter rehab.

But things look up as the premiere of Bride of the Monster approaches: Wood attends with a new, cross-dressing-accepting girlfriend on his arm (Arquette), Lugosi, the psychic Criswell, Vampirella (the host of a local horror movie tvcast, and a direct precursor to Elvira), and the hulking star of the movie- it's as if the film had been buliding to this moment, where the purveyor of the odd is flanked at his finest moment by an All-American girl, a vampire and vapiress, a bow-tied psychic and a behemoth.

The film is roundly booed, and the gang are chased out of the theater by an unruly mob. But can the intrepid Edward D. Wood, Jr. dust himself off again for Grave Robbers From Outer Space?

The Artistry:

Burton was excited to make a film that didn't require storyboards and focus on character, and not to be critical, but it mostly shows. Shot in black and white (a decision that caused Paramount to back out of the project), Ed Wood mostly gets out of the way and lets Johnny Depp's performance, all 50's Casey Kasem style enthusiasm, take over the reins.

Which is fun enough, and some pretty great supporting performances buoy the film even higher- Landau's turn as an addled, egotistical Lugosi that bristles at the mere mention of Boris Karloff won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, and Murray's quiet turn as well as Parker's shrill part are both fine work.

As a newcomer to Wood's work, I was a little befuddled with the opening homage to Plan 9 From Outer Space: Jeffrey Jones, in character as The Amazing Criswell, sits up out of a coffin and gives a wandering speech introducing the film, much like in Wood's infamous fail-tacular. But by the second Jones' monologue at the end, I was all for it.

It's just- who doesn't want to make movies? It looks like fun, even if it's frustrating. Depp portrays Wood as the kind of film-lover that didn't just move on after one take because he had limited time and budget- to him, each take was perfect, because he was living the dream, man!

I kept expecting a little more of a hammer to fall, given Wood's reputation as a spectacularly bad director, and found myself a little anxiously cautious early in the film, but that feeling ebbed as I realized it was nearly as much a labor of love as the films of its subject.

THE ENDING! SPOILERS!

Lugosi, after filming hardly one scene for Wood's next project, sadly passes away, leaving our hero with no star and no financing for his next project. He manages to convince his landlord's Baptist church to bankroll Grave Robbers From Outer Space telling them the way to make money for their intended film series on the 12 apostles is to first turn a profit on a film in a proven genre.

He gets his girlfriend's rather tall chiropractor to stand in for the majority of Lugosi's role (with his arm over his face), gets the now-unemployed Vampirella to take a part, and proceeds to start filming an over-the-top mashup of space invaders, vampires, and shoddy productions values, with cardboard tombstones and flying saucers with clearly visible strings.

As the Baptist change the title (to Plan 9 From Outer Space, grave robbing being morally uncouth) and insist on casting and plot changes, Wood becomes frustrated and storms to a nearby bar in a huff (and in drag). There he has a chance run-in with none other than his idol, Orson Welles! Welles, over a drink, sympathizes with tales of studio interference, and tells Wood not to compromize his vision for anything. Wood returns to set, demands to have things his way, and end the movie by driving off to marry his girlfriend after a triumphant screening of Plan 9.

END SPOILERS


Overall: Should It Be Higher, Lower?

Oh man, I know it might be because I have a huge soft spot for movies about making movies (I was even thinking about making a list until the Onion A.V. Club freaking posted this on Monday), but I say higher.

The Legacy:

Rick Baker won an Oscar for his makeup, in addition to Landau taking every other Supporting actor award under the sun that year. Commercially Ed Wood was a bomb befitting its subject material, but critical acclaim has preserved it in memory.

The Best Video Of It On YouTube:

"Well...somebody misplaced the octopus motor, so, when you get in there and fight with him: shake his legs around- looks like he's killin' ya! Okay!"



Leftover Thoughts:

-"Really? Worst film you ever saw? Well, my next one will be better!... Hello?"

-Fun fact: Martin Landau's daughter Juliet Landau, who has a minor part in this film, is much like Lugosi most famous for playing a vampire: Drusilla on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

-Actual tagline for this film: Movies were his passion. Women were his inspiration. Angora sweaters were his weakness.

-I was pretty proud that not only did I know it was Vincent D'Onofrio playing Orson Welles, but also that his voice was dubbed over by Maurice LaMarche (The Brain from "Pinky and The Brain").

Coming Up...

Thursday, September 17th: Letters From Iwo Jima

Friday, September 18th: The Lost Weekend Yeah, that's right, three days in a row! Boom!