‘The X-Files: I Want To Believe’ In A Nutshell

This is a movie parody, the idea for which was inspired by ripped off shamelessly lifted from a writer known as Cleolinda Jones. She did a whole bunch of them, called Movies In Fifteen Minutes.

She even published a book of them, which is only available on Amazon UK for some reason. So go check those out if you like this at all, or maybe thought the idea had potential but could've been funnier in execution. She's a pro.

For my part, I kept trying to write a review of The X-Files 2 and could only keep making fun of it. And this was the inevitable result.

Two notes: Can anyone think of a better indicator of the brevity of the parody than "In A Nutshell" (and "In Fifteen Minutes," obviously)? Or maybe it just strikes me as a dumb suffix this time because it sounds like someone wants to believe in a nutshell. Who doesn't believe in nutshells? Nuts have to come from somewhere.

Also I joked that not only did Amanda Peet bring her "acting face" for her FBI Agent role, she also sported her "FBI-Bangs." So that's where that name comes from... Enjoy!

‘The X-Files: I Want To Believe’ In A Nutshell

Night, Some Lady's House:

SOME LADY: Listen to the score of this film! It’s so ominous and creepy. I hope there are no creepy bald guys around.


SOME LADY: Aaah! Eat garden hoe!

RUSSIAN LEOBEN: I have something to tell you about the future. Also, YAA! (kidnapping ensues).

Some Snowy Field, later (but edited so you think it’s the same time what?):

RANDOM FBI AGENT: Why are we all following this old priest around and combing through this snowy field? And why are there so many of us for just this one field? Seriously- there’s like thirty of us out here, you guys.

AGENT FBI-BANGS (Amanda Peet): Quiet, he’s having a vision.

FATHER JOE (Billy Connolly): Here, it’s here!

RANDOM FBI AGENT: Where? It’s all just snow!

(some other random FBI agents dig to find a severed arm with some garden-hoe-like scratches on it)

RANDOM FBI AGENT: How did he know that was there?

AGENT FBI-BANGS: He’s psychic, you see.

RANDOM FBI AGENT: Oh. So he said he had a vision of a severed arm and you just took his word for it? You mobilized like fifty FBI agents on some nutjob’s whim?


RANDOM FBI AGENT: I can see maybe if he’d had the arm already, but-

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Look I just don’t have much experience with this psychic stuff, okay? If only there was someone out there who did…

Christian Hospital Of Death:

SCULLY: And so, ladies, gentlemen, woman on the tv, I know none of the treatments for Little Johnny’s brain situation have worked so far, but I think we should pursue some experimental therapy because science is awesome- and I’m totally a doctor in case you forgot.

EVIL PRIEST BIG EARS: Well, the board feels that the boy is too cute to be in any more pain. Hospice, pronto!





(this is seriously how this subplot unfolds, for the whole film)

Later, in the Hallway:

AGENT XZIBIT: Dana Scully? Hi, I’m an FBI Agent, for real. We need you to contact Fox Mulder for us and tell him the FBI is willing to forgive everything that nobody remembers he did anyway if he’ll come help us with a case. For the FBI.

SCULLY: Wasn’t he sentenced to death or something like that?

AGENT XZIBIT: Yes, but we’ve got a missing FBI Agent/gardening enthusiast and we really need him to come in and disagree with everyone until the case is solved. Did I mention that I’m like a full FBI Agent? - I have a badge and everything.

SCULLY: Okay, Xzibit, I’ll tell him.

Scully’s House (Mulder’s house? Do they share it? I wasn’t clear):

MULDER: Did you see these newspaper clippings? I’m thinking of making a paper maché.

SCULLY: Mulder, I’m worried about your mental health- there are negative effects to long-term isolation, even though we may or may not share this house.

MULDER: I’m in perfect mental health! I keep my Unabomber beard neatly trimmed!

SCULLY: Yeah… Anyway, some rapper told me that the FBI would call off the manhunt and forget everything if you help them find some missing agent.

MULDER: Really? What if it’s a trap?

SCULLY: Sure, but what if it’s a plot device?

MULDER: I’ll do it. Are you going to be with me the whole way, or abruptly turn into a wet blanket when I get obsessed and take things too far?

SCULLY: No promises.

Washington, D. C.:

MULDER: Wow, it’s funny how we could get here in a helicopter from Alaska, or wherever it was so snowy.

(It was Somseret, West Virginia. Really?)

AGENT FBI-BANGS: So, Agent Foxy, I’ve read your files and I have to say you’re pretty boyishly handsome. What’s with the beard?


AGENT FBI-BANGS: Huh? Oh, anyway there’s these missing women, and the last victim was an FBI agent, and now there’s this priest dude who claims to have visions from god and he led us to a random severed arm.

MULDER: Psychic, you say? Well I may not be able to prove his visions are real, but I’ll defend to the death his right to have them.

SCULLY: I guess we can take a look…

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Also he’s a convicted pedophile.

SCULLY: WHAT!? Screw this noise!

Pederast Dorm:

FATHER JOE: That poor girl… I didn’t ask for these visions, just like I didn’t ask for little boys to be so-

AGENT FBI-BANGS: I’m gonna stop you right there. So Fox, what’s the S. O. P. in this situation? Little cards with lines and squiggles? Hypnosis? Any kind of Scientific Method?

MULDER: Well, mostly I just stubbornly refuse to doubt them until something randomly happens that backs me up, and then I solve the case somehow.

AGENT XZIBIT: That’s it? This FBI Agent is skeptical.

SCULLY: Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Do you know how many strings I had to pull to get you pardoned or whatever? That’s all you’ve got? At least shave your stupid beard, dammit!

FATHER JOE: Uh.. maybe I could go take a look at the house?

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Fine, whatever. Lead the way, Father Joe.

SCULLY: Why is everyone calling him “Father” Joe? Doesn’t that get revoked or something?

In The Car:

FATHER JOE: So who are you again? Didn’t I see you at the NAMBLA convention?

MULDER: No, no- it’s just the beard. I used to investigate paranormal phenomena for the FBI.

FATHER JOE: You believe in that stuff?

Me: Say “I Want To Believe”! Say it!

MULDER: Let’s just say I want to believe.

Me: Whoo! Nailed it!

Some Other Car:

SOME OTHER LADY: Nothing like driving down deserted roads after a good swim. Hey, that truck’s getting awful close…

RUSSIAN LEOBEN: In Russia, hay bales you! ::Knocks Some Other Lady’s Car Into Bale of Hay:: (kidnapping ensues)

Some Lady’s House:

FATHER JOE: Oh yes, the midi-chlorians are really high here..

SCULLY: What?! I’ve had enough of this charlatan.

MULDER: If he’s faking, how did he find the arm?

SCULLY: He’s clearly involved in whatever went down!

AGENT XZIBIT: Maybe he has a really good sense of smell?


AGENT XZIBIT: Hey, uh, I’m totally in the-

MULDER: FBI, we get it. You’re very believable. Scully, how many ridiculous things do you need to witness before you start to believe?

SCULLY: Always one more, crackpot.

FATHER JOE: The visions! So portentous yet vague! ::CRIES BLOOD::


The Next Morning, At Scully’s (Mulder’s?) House:

SCULLY: So there’s this little boy with a brain thing...

MULDER: What’s his name?

SCULLY: Uh.. Little Johnny? No wait, it’s Christian. Isn’t that weird that that’s his name and I’m having a crisis of faith about his treatment?

MULDER: That’s pretty contrived, yeah. Maybe stem cells?

SCULLY: Go on…

MULDER: I was just throwing it out there- I don’t know anything about them. But maybe you could google “stem cell therapy,” learn all about it, get approval, funding, and the parents to agree all in a day and perform the procedure tomorrow?

SCULLY: Come on, there’s no way that would be possible- not even here in British Columbia or maybe Virginia. By the by, you know what’s weird? That severed arm had a horse tranquilizer in it, but we all just sort of shrugged and moved on.

MULDER: What the what!? ::Shaves Beard:: It’s time for some serious obsessiveness.

SCULLY: I’ll catch up with you later. ::Googles “stem cell therapy”:: (this seriously happens!)

Local FBI Headquarters:

MULDER: Horse tranquilizers!

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Another swimming missing woman!

FATHER JOE: Visions!


The Woods:

SCULLY: Mulder, there’s nothing out here. Also your sister is dead already, just move on!

MULDER: Wow, that was uncalled for. I know that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to look for Samantha- I mean, Some Lady.

FATHER JOE: The visions, they’re hazy and unclear. I’m not sure if- no, it’s down there actually.

RANDOM FBI AGENT: This is like the coldest West Virginia winter ever, people. ::Digging:: What’s down here, anyway?


MULDER: Ha! See?

SCULLY: This doesn’t prove anything.

FATHER JOE: Hey Scully: "swing away."


FATHER JOE: I mean: "don’t give up."

SCULLY: You mean on my patient? Should I use these cell stems I’ve been reading about?

FATHER JOE: ::Shrugs::

Some Other Lady’s Wrecked Car:

MULDER: Looks like another abduction victim. Father Joe?

FATHER JOE: I got nothing. A hay-monster?

MULDER: Oh-kay… maybe this medical bracelet and swimsuit will tell us something- to the pool!

Christian Hospital Of Death:

EVIL PRIEST BIG EARS: So we’re transferring Christian to a hospice where God doesn’t have to think about him and feel guilty.

SCULLY: But what about the experimental-

EVIL PRIEST BIG EARS: God doesn’t experiment! It was six days and then “hey, that looks good to me”! No meddling!

SCULLY: But the parents-

EVIL PRIEST BIG EARS: The parents saw it my way after three hours of cajoling. Now clearly the catholic church always has the best interests of children in mind. Good day!

The Pool:

POOL ATTENDANT: Yep, both missing ladies are here in the log. Funny how they always wore bracelets with their blood type on them. They had a whole little “AB Negative” club that met on Thursdays.

MULDER: Clearly they were targeting people with that blood type! Maybe they put out a craigslist ad or something. What do you think, Agent FBI-Bangs?

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Hey! My name is Dakota Whitney.

MULDER: Yeah, that sounds like a name someone would have.

Some Other Hospital:

RANDOM COP: Excuse me sir, are you a licensed organ transporter person?


Pederast Dorm:

FATHER JOE: Agent Scully? Wha?

SCULLY: Why did you say “Don’t give up” to me?

FATHER JOE: I’m just a vessel.

SCULLY: Why would God reward you with psychic visions after what you’ve done? Plus, why are they more cryptic than the first season of Lost?

FATHER JOE: Proverbs 25:2- “It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings is to search out a matter.”

SCULLY: So… I should do the stem cells?

FATHER JOE: ::Seizures::

Creepy Russian Lab:

SOME OTHER LADY: They left this cage open! Maybe if I crawl away very loudly I can-


Christian Hospital Of Death:

SOME RANDOM NURSE: Here’s your giant needle of stem cells, doctor.

SCULLY: Take that, religion!

SOME RANDOM NURSE: I can’t believe we just had those laying around for this.

Downtown Richmond:

AGENT FBI-BANGS: We’ve tracked Russian Leoben to this organ facility. Turns out he was married to some Creepy Bald Guy that Father Joe molested when he was little! Xzibit, you lead the raid up there- I’ll wait in the street with Foxy Clean-Shaven.

AGENT XZIBIT: Xzibit? My name is Mosley Drummy… what is with the names in this movie? ::leaves::

AGENT FBI-BANGS: So, Mulder, there’s another case I need you to take a look at, but we’ll have to go back to my apartment to-

MULDER: There he is!

RUSSIAN LEOBEN: ::Drops Cooler, Runs::

MULDER: ::Runs::

AGENT FBI-BANGS: (running) Wait! How are you so much faster than I am? Aren’t you nearing fifty?

(they chase Russian Leoben into a building under construction, but lose him- Mulder ends up two floors above Agent FBI-Bangs)

MULDER: (calling down) I lost him!

AGENT FBI-BANGS: Mulder! Have you seen him? I didn’t see him anywhere, so it’s probably safe to lean precariously on this railing to shout up at you.


MULDER: Oklahoma Brittany! Wait, that's not right. South Dakota Slim? I mean, FBI-Bangs!

AGENT FBI-BANGS: ::Impales::

Back On The Street:

AGENT XZIBIT: Well, nothing fishy going on up there. Hey, I wonder what’s in this cooler?


Christian Hospital Of Death:

SCULLY: Mulder, where have you been? I totally did the stem cell thing, without any training even! Also it turns out Father Joe has lung cancer.

MULDER: Father Joe, do you recognize this Creepy Bald Guy’s picture?

FATHER JOE: Not really. Is that Gollum?

MULDER: It’s one of your victims!


SCULLY: Just for the record, is the original Some Lady still alive?

FATHER JOE: The visions say… yes, she is.

SCULLY: Owned. They just found her head in a box! Enjoy your cancer, faker.

MULDER: Nice burn. Anyway, there’s still another victim to rescue, so-

SCULLY: I can’t look into the darkness with you anymore, Mulder.

MULDER: Wait- wasn’t my involvement in this all your idea?

SCULLY: Nevermind that now! The point is, if you go any further with this I’m not coming home tonight.

MULDER: So we were living together!

SCULLY: Also you’re out of Orange Juice.

Nutter’s House of Feed and Tranquilizer:

MULDER: Anyone buy this sort of horse tranquilizer from like an hour ago?

CLERK: Hell, son, we give that stuff away with every six pack! That Russian guy coming in is our biggest customer.

MULDER: Russian guy? ::Hides::

RUSSIAN LEOBEN: Yes, can I refill this prescription?

CLERK: That’ll be a forty-five minute wait.

Another Snowy Road:

MULDER: This Russian guy is so dense he doesn’t notice me following him, when I’m the only other car on the-


SCULLY’S CAR: ::Tumbles::

Christian Hospital Of Death:

CHRISTIAN’S DAD: We’re having some doubts about this procedure- isn’t it pretty painful?

SCULLY: You know what else is painful? A red-ass beatdown. We’re doing this thing.

CHRISTIAN’S MOM: If you were a mother you’d understand.

SCULLY: First of all, I’m pretty sure I am (sort of?), and secondly WHAT DID I JUST SAY!?

A Snowbank:

MULDER: Ugh.. should I go for help? Find my cell phone? NO TIME! We’re doing the rest of this on foot, head-trauma style!

MULDER: … I hope Scully’s not mad about her car.

Scully’s House:

SCULLY: Good old google- I'd never pull off half that "doctor" stuff without it. I wonder if there’s anything else about stem cells on here…

GOOGLE: Stem cells totally kept this severed dog’s head alive! (Are you feeling lucky?)

SCULLY: I should call Mulder about this, even though I was pretty final back there…

SCULLY: ::Dials::…. these voice-mail menus take forever.

Local FBI Headquarters:

SCULLY: Mulder’s missing! He won’t answer his phone!


SCULLY: And we need to find him!

AGENT XZIBIT: I think you need another branch for that. You, see, I’m in the-

SCULLY: Saying it all the time won’t make it plausible! Why are you here, anyway!? Do you at least have a song on the soundtrack?

AGENT XZIBIT: Actually, I-


Creepy Russian Lab:

MULDER: Wow, this place is creepy. At least I have the element of-


A Snowbank:

SCULLY: My car!

SKINNER: He must have gone further down this road on foot.

SCULLY: Thanks for your help. Hey, how’d you get here so quickly?

SKINNER: They just leave those helicopters laying around everywhere.

Creepy Russian Lab:

RUSSIAN LEOBEN: Don’t worry, my Creepy Bald Love, soon you’ll have a fresh, young woman’s body and you’ll be… well, even more creepy, but alive.

MULDER: Not on my watch! Unhook that machine! Turn this process around! Hit Ctrl + Z!

RUSSIAN DOCTORS: (confused yelling)

RUSSIAN LEOBEN: Hey, you know what helps with head-wounds? Horse tranquilizer.

MULDER: Yeah, let’s give that a shot. ::Falls Down::

Some Snowy Road:

SKINNER: Look how snowy it is here! We’ll never figure out where he went.

SCULLY: Stop- let’s go back to those mailboxes.

SKINNER: This is no time for identity theft!

SCULLY: No, look, mailbox 252 has a medical company address in it! We’re close!

SKINNER: Why mailbox 252?

SCULLY: It’s the same number as a biblical verse some possibly psychic pedophiliac priest mentioned before!

SKINNER: Uh, isn’t that kind of ridic-


Creepy Russian Shed:

RUSSIAN LEOBEN: I'm here to prepare you to pass through the next door, to discover what lies in the space between life and death.


RUSSIAN LEOBEN: I mean, Ax-Time!

SCULLY: Thwack!

MULDER: Scully, you came back! Funny how you always give me some sort of ultimatum and then cave.

SCULLY: This is the last time I swear.

Creepy Russian Lab:

RANDOM FBI AGENT: Hands up, Russians! Uh, can we just unplug this stufff, or…

SCULLY: Stand back- I’ve got some doctoring to do! ::Saves Some Other Lady::

CREEPY BALD GUY’S SEVERED HEAD: Hey, don’t pull that tube out of- ::Dies::

SKINNER: ‘Sup, Mulder. You still crazy?

MULDER: I dunno, are you still bald?

Scully And Mulder’s House:

MULDER: So not only did Father Joe die, he’s suspected of collaborating with the crazy Russian Dr. Frankensteins!


MULDER: How can you say that?

SCULLY: Eight-year-olds, dude.

MULDER: Whatever. What’s on for today, more stem cells?

SCULLY: I don’t know, everyone seems to be against me on that. Plus I’m not clear if it’s even legal to begin with.

MULDER: But didn’t Father Joe say “Don’t give up”?

SCULLY: He could have been talking about anything! Like “Don’t give up on The Wire after one episode!”

MULDER: Scully…

SCULLY: Fine, I’ll do it! Can’t you ever use my first name? We sort of (maybe?) have a kid together for Chrissakes.

Christian Hospital Of Death:




SCULLY: Damn straight.

SOME RANDOM NURSE: Are you ready to begin, Dr. Scully?

SCULLY: (pause) Yes- yes I am. Let’s stem up some cells or whatever!

SOME RANDOM NURSE: I don’t think that even makes any-



1 Response to "‘The X-Files: I Want To Believe’ In A Nutshell"

  1. Kathleen says:


    That is all.


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