Kinematoscope

Actual tagline: Friendship has its benefits.

This year we get not one, but two entries in the burgeoning subgenre of Former 'That 70s Show' Stars Having Casual Sex. Who knew there was such a market for such a thing.

Anyway, we get the Natalie Portman-Ashton Kutcher version in January, and the Mila Kunis-Justin Timberlake one in July.

Just to add to the confusion we'll all surely have years from now remembering which is which, No Strings Attached went with a tagline that brings the competing film's title, Friends With Benefits to mind.

Which one will be better? Who can say? No Strings Attached does boast Ivan Reitman as director, although he hasn't made a good film since... Dave, in 1993? I would watch Dave if it came up on cable. Friends With Benefits has Will Gluck, of the surprisingly winning Easy A, behind the lens.




Actual tagline: Their escape was just the beginning

New Peter Weir movie! And it comes out on Friday? In over 600 theaters? Amazing.

Why has Weir gone all Terrence Malick on us? He worked pretty regularly until the 90s- in 1972 he has five credits to his name. Now it'll be five-plus years until we hear from him again.

Oh, the tagline: eh. Thanks for hammering home the plot, but it is called 'The Way Back,' after all. I wonder more about the change from the title of the book, The Long Walk- I suppose that didn't sound terribly exciting.

But hey, something I wanna see. In January!

Remember this? No? Well, it's back anyway.

Actual tagline: Not all souls can be saved.

It's hard not to think that we're referring to Nicolas Cage's soul, instead of witches. You should go listen to the second episode of Paul Scheer's new podcast, How Did This Get Made?, which takes on this movie and finds it to be unsurprisingly terrible.

Mostly I wonder if the title is a reference to the Donovan song from 1966. Is that a phrase ever used before that point? Are witches more prevalent during a particular season of the year (autumn, I would assume)?




Actual tagline: It doesn't matter where you've been as long as you come back strong.

Meh. The placement above the title makes the rhythm weird- "...come back strong. (pause) Country Strong." If you don't care about spoilers, go here and prepare to be flabbergasted. I would never have guessed that this seemingly fluffy Lifetime version of Crazy Heart would draw legit Black Swan comparisons.

I heard one of the songs from this movie playing over the PA in a Borders books and it was stuck in my head the rest of the night.




Actual tagline: The Truth Hurts.

OR: A Little Knowledge Is A Dangerous Thing.

OR: Two best friends. Nothing could come between them... or could it?

Look, I'm not a fool. I understand that Kevin James/Vince Vaughan movies where people fall down a lot and call things 'gay' (but not in a homophobic way, at all, totally) exist because there's a market for That Sort Of Thing.

But why are we dragging Ron Howard into this. Why is a Ron Howard movie of any sort coming out in January? I know he's not Terrance Mallick or anything, but still.

Anyway, the tags seem to all think that one man seeing his best friend's wife having an affair is hilarious, when in reality it would just be a miserable situation for all involved. The movie, or at least the trailers for it, seem to acknowledge this and go for laughs based entirely on pratfalls, Queen Latifah busy Latifah-ing it up, and Vince Vaughan's character having painful urination. Stay classy, Ron Howard! This should make a good triple feature with Apollo 13 and Frost/Nixon!




Actual tagline: Breaking the law to protect it.

Yes, I guess that's what all viglantes do? Thanks for reminding us of the concept.

Speaking of beloved directors whoring themselves out, this is directed by Michel Gondry, director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the movie I would blurt out if you had a gun to my head and for some reason demanded I name my favorite film of all time. With Rogen co-writing and co-producing, it might actually be okay, but I still wouldn't have predicted Gondry to helm a film that should properly be referred to with "in 3D" at the end of its title.

Actual tagline: When the top cops are busy...our only hope is... The Other Guys.

As far as Using The Title In A Sentence goes, it could be a lot worse. Though after seeing it I can tell you that the 'top cops' are hardly in the film any longer than they're in the trailer.




Actual tagline: Two Worlds. One Dream.

OR: Take the biggest step of all in 3D

I would have extrapolated that first one much more, but in ascending order: "one Dream. Two Worlds. Three Dimensions. Eight Dollars Extra."

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Eat, Pray, Love

Actual tagline: Let Yourself Go This August

I'm sure they mean it spiritually and all, but aren't they really just saying "let yourself go TO THE THEATER AND PAY FOR THIS"? Look how the 'GO' is in a bigger font and all.

Also can't agree more with Nathan Heller of Slate regarding the lack of commas on the poster: "Eat Pray Love is not a title. It's a random and nonsensical jumble of words. It is a score card in the most boring game of Scrabble imaginable."

The Expendables

Actual tagline: Choose your weapon.

OR: Heroes today. Legends forever.

OR: Semper Fight.

Could these vary any more in quality? From the decently intriguing "Choose your weapon," which underscores both that it's an action movie and that it has many, many stars, to the cheeseball second, to the awful pun on "semper fi(delis)." Which means "always faithful" and is about loyalty, not fighting.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Actual tagline: An epic of epic epicness.

OR: Get the hot girl. Defeat her evil exes. Hit love where it hurts.

Blah on the second one, hooray for the very internet-friendly first one. And what a great film! It doesn't even matter that it tanked at the box office, because it didn't need to do well enough for a sequel (unlike, say, Serenity or something). Plus now it won't be overexposed and annoying. It's a win for everyone but Universal!

Vampires Suck

Actual tagline: Some sagas just won't die.

OR: From the guys who couldn't sit through another vampire movie!

As many problems as there are with the 'Twilight Saga,' I would much, much, much rather that the more informal saga of Friedberg and Seltzer's "_____ Movie" parodies (though lately they've moved on to actual titles, perhaps to avoid brand recognition) would die.

I realized that I wouldn't feel sad at all if Friedberg and Seltzer themselves died in a tragic auto accident (or, in fitting with their oeuvre, a tragic movie-prop-feces-related accident or something). Not one iota. Even if Uwe Boll died, I'd be kind of like "Aw, he really believed in what he was doing." Not these dudes.

The second tag even makes them the ones seemingly victimized by bad films. Oh you just couldn't sit through another one, could you? Boo hoo.

Nanny McPhee Returns

Actual tagline: You'll Believe That Pigs Can Fly!

OR: Who's Your Nanny?

Never saw the first one, no interest in this one. But if you told me there was a movie written by and starring Emma Thompson (who has an Oscar in each regard), directed by someone (Susanna White) that directed six episodes of "Bleak House" and four of "Generation Kill," I would probably sign up without knowing anything else and be pretty surprised.

Piranha 3D

Actual tagline: There's Something in the Water

OR: This Summer 3D Shows Its Teeth

The internets tell me that the French poster had the much more apt "Sea, Sex and Blood" tagline, much better than the bland American examples (Water, Teeth, we get it). I actually saw Piranha 3-D and I would say it was kinda dissapointing, but there were piranhas, and they were in 3-D. So it pretty much delivers.

The Switch

Actual tagline: The most unexpected comedy ever conceived.

If you're referring to a Jeffrey Eugenides short story somehow becoming an obviously bland and toothless romantic comedy, then that is pretty unexpected, yeah.

Lottery Ticket

Actual tagline: Winning is just the beginning. Surviving is another story.

So... surviving is 'another story' in that it.... isn't the beginning? I guess that makes sense?

Normally the phrase goes "[SOMETHING] is easy, [SOME OTHER THING] is another story." They kind of tried to fir a square peg in a round hole here.

The Last Exorcism

Actual tagline: Believe In Him.

Him who? Based on the poster it's a tossup between Jesus and Eli Roth. I dislike horror in general, and I especially dislike this recent spate of horror films that take skeptics who have lost their faith and then punish them with real supernatural religious voodoo (The Reaping, The Excorcism of Emily Rose, this thing).

Takers

Actual tagline: Who's Taking Who?

OR: Everyone's after something.

I believe it's "Who's Taking Whom?"

Fun Fact: I saw a trailer for Takers this spring when I randomly saw The Losers- as that film also starred Idris Elba, Zoe Saldana, and a generic prettyboy (Chris Evans and Paul Walker may in fact be the same person) I was briefly under the impression that either they ran the trailer for the movie I was about to see, or that I was in the wrong theater entirely.

Wasn't that fun? Coming soon: September! Maybe all at once I dunno!

Yeah, so I took a break. It happens. Now, the final two weeks of July in movie-slogan land! Coming soon, an All-Of-August tagline extravaganza!

Actual tagline: A Little Sister Goes A Long Way.

I spent many fruitless minutes trying to google this, but isn't the phrase "A little _____ goes a long way" rooted in cooking? Am I just making that up?

If I'm right, it makes this not-bad play on words a little unsettling.




Actual tagline: Who is Salt?

This tagline's simple question is entirely derailed by, y'know, the common household condiment and simple compound that we all know and love. The other taglines for the film simply personify it in less existential fashion: Salt Kills (this is true, kids, watch your sodium-intake levels). Don't Trust Salt. Okay, noted. Salt Must Die. That's too bad. We still have pepper, I guess. But wait- Salt Will Not Be Stopped. We're all doomed! We'll be shriveled to death like slugs!

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Dinner For Schmucks

Actual tagline: Takes One To Know One.

Meh. At least it doesn't try to get across the semi-high-concept premise in one sentence, since it really doesn't matter all that much. But to me, there seems to be an entire brand of comedy encapsulated by baring your front teeth like Carell in the poster there that I disdain entirely.

Also just in case you might be tempted to see this because Steve Carell and Paul Rudd can actually be funny, the poster reminds us that it "From the director of Meet The Parents." Nice save, poster.

Charlie St. Cloud

Actual tagline: Life is for living

A cheeseball slogan for a seemingly cheeseball movie, shocking NOT based on a Nicholas Sparks novel.

But wait- just so you know, Wikipedia clunkily can SPOIL the fact that this is actually a film about Zac Effron seeing ghosts (and ghosts of people that are just mostly dead as well), though it is still very terrible I'm sure. Still, seeing dead people is more of a catch than just a dude being repressed. I wonder why none of the advertising even alluded to it?

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

Actual tagline: Just like real spies... only furrier.

Remember this? No? It's already in the imdb bottom 100, but at least Jack McBrayer got some spending money.

Actual tagline: It's The Coolest Job Ever

Is it? What does it pay? Do you get dental? Is there a Sorcerer's Apprentice Union? Are you forced to work with Nicolas Cage and then pretend in thousands of interviews that he's not absolutely insane?




Actual tagline: Your mind is the scene of the crime.

OR: The dream is real.

Sooooooo excited for this one. Totally seeing it at midnight tomorrow. You can plan ahead for my insanely bitter rant if it doesn't get nominated for Best Picture this year.

Actual tagline: The most dangerous killers on the planet... but this is not our planet.

OR: Fear is Reborn

Thanks for trying, first tagline, but I don't think you need to work overtime selling the "mercenaries brought into fight predators" concept. That would be like Alien Vs. Predator trying to work the under the ice pyramid of death into its taglines.

Though "Fear is Reborn" seems to imply that this is a remake, rather than a thirteen-years-later sequel- not that it makes a difference, really.




Actual tagline: Superbad. Superdad.

I couldn't shrug more at this one. Villain meets adorable moppet-children, has basic change of heart about villainy, yawn. Why couldn't he teach these orphans how to be super-villains themselves, in a spiritual sequel to The Professional? That I would see.

Actual tagline: It all begins... With a choice

Does it? Good to know that three movies into the franchise, Bella will make her first decision. Hey is it just me or does everyone on the Twilight posters look they're in the weird afterlife in Wristcutters (great movie, bad title) where you're physically incapable of smiling?

I bet in that world the Twilight movies play ALL THE TIME!




Actual tagline: Four nations, one destiny

Sounds cool enough- if only it was directed by someone else. For all the excitement over M. Night Shyamalan finally put his talents to work directing instead of originating concepts, I couldn't be less excited to see him work with child actors. He's already an ace at getting stiff, wooden line readings out of polished adults- what happens when that's the starting point?

Also it's sad that even funnyman Aasif Mandvi can't address the whitewashing controversy head-on.

Actual tagline: Boys will be boys... some longer than others.

OR: Back Then They Were Too Young To Know Better. Now They Have No Excuse.

Or even better, Most Of These Over-grown Frat Douche-bags Will Make Millions Of Dollars To Clown Around In This Terrible Excuse For A Film! Why mince words, taglines?

(Although Rob Schneider prolly just makes hundreds of thousands)




Actual tagline: none

Is is just me, or is that poster... pretty...cool? What? For a gimmicky Tom Cruise vehicle? What's happening? I'm scared.

Super Taglines Happy Catch-Up Fun Time! And how has your June been going, internet? Also this is the 200th post on Kinematoscope, so that's fun.

Actual tagline: Aaron Green has 72 hours to get a Rock Star from London to L.A. Pray for him.

Oh no, not a "Rock Star"! Pretty sure "rockstar" is one word, poster. Wiktionary confirms it- and a google result test of 22 million to 12 million. A "rock star" could just be a star within the rock community, like Igneous (whoo! Igneous!).




Actual tagline: Marriage... give it your best shot.

OR: One Day Is Enough For You!

Marriage...shoot it with a firearm! Ba dum cha! Of more interest to me is why the working title of this film was originally "Five Killers"- the internet at large seems to care very little. Did Katherine Heigl get married five times, only to find out each husband was secretly a contract killer? Because that would be cuh-razy.

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Marmaduke

Actual tagline: Live Large

Admirable restraint from a poster that had many (doubtlessly awful) dog-related pun options. Meanwhile, now that Marmaduke and Dennis the Menace have had their day, where the hell is Ziggy: The Movie? Please go listen to this podcast which spitballs some Ziggy movie ideas rapid-fire. "Maybe the movie ends with a shot of Ziggy smirking or shrugging, even though things haven't gone his way- 'Uh oh, that's life as a Ziggy!'- OR, things HAVE gone his way- 'Finally Ziggy's on top!'- then we get to the credits, audience is about to leave, then UH OH, more footage- and Ziggy raps about being Ziggy...maybe the parrot has some gold chains!"

Splice

Actual tagline: Science's Newest Miracle ... Is A Mistake

OR: She's Not Human ... Not Entirely.

I would argue that most miracles of science (especially in movies) are mistakes in some way or another.

The A-Team

Actual tagline: There Is No Plan B

Sounds like someone's not a fan of progestin, huh? (bazing!) But seriously, was this a tagline for the original show? Because I'v never seen an episode. Not one.

The Karate Kid

Actual tagline: none

Nothing? I guess this is as good a spot as any to mention that I have Joe Esposito's "You're The Best" on my ipod for working out at the gym. And finally, we're caught up to this week...

Jonah Hex

Actual tagline: Revenge Gets Ugly

Oh, it's a revenge movie? The tv spots have lead me to believe it's more of a plotless, blowing stuff up sort of affair. But that's why we're here: to learn.

Toy Story 3

Actual tagline: No toy gets left behind.

OR: The Toys Are Back In Town.

Wooo! I'm sure this'll be great, but I really wish the marketing so far hadn't focused incessantly on Barbie and Ken's super-obvious metahumor. Though other supporting characters are also trademarked products (like the Potato-Heads or Slinky Dog), giving these two an enire subplot seems a little too obvious and product-placement-y for a Pixar film.

Hey, I was totally sick for a little while there. Double taglines, with lots of countdown catch-up happening these next few days.

Actual tagline: It's ain't ogre... til it's ogre

OR: What the Shrek just happened?

Ugh. Goodbye Shrek, and thanks for all the lame puns! The crowning of How To Train Your Dragon and Kung Fu Panda as Dreamworks' new franchises really make this unwanted, unneccessary "final chapter" seem extra-stale on arrival.

And its arrival means officially that I can't go see Dragon in 3D again- I mean, I cut myself off a few weeks ago, sure, but this whole time I knew it was still there if I needed to go back. Now it's gone, and I have to wait until I can afford one of these crazy HD, 3D television things (and for 3D blu-rays to be invented) until I can experience it again! Dammit, Shrek!




Actual tagline: The Ultimate Tool

I bet that what it says on Will Forte's business cards, too: only rarely do I find him as wacky as I'm supposed to. It's like he's the human equivalent of wAckY CApS- just trying too hard.

I have no desire to see this, nor can I think of a single current recurring SNL-sketch that I'd prefer be made into a film.




Actual tagline: Defy the Future

Fun with reverse implications: "Defy the Future, Obey the Past!" What? I love time travel, but something tells me Jerry Bruckheimer doesn't hold it to the same standards I do.




Actual tagline: Carrie On

Yawn. Though the roundly eviscerating reviews have been endlessly entertaining so far. I would just suggest, based on what I've heard, that the title be changed to Marriage, Menopause, Children, and the Arabian Desert.

Actual tagline: None.

Bah. Academy this, nominated that. I'm not that much of a sucker for awards baiting, poster. (Or am I? I'll probably see this, lackluster reviews and all).




Actual tagline: In this game... every shot counts.

That would be the game of looooooove, ladies and gentlemen. As opposed to professional basketball, where only every fourth shot counts, though on alternate Fridays and the day after a new moon it's every third shot (but the players can only shoot underhand).

For some reason, I assumed that "Wright" was the last name of the famous NBA star that falls for Queen Latifah, making the title pun at least a little feasible, but it's her character's surname after all. But maybe she's a famous physical therapist with name recognition, or something.




Actual tagline: What if you had a second chance to find true love?

Rhetorical question alert! I love "questions" that are just there to tell you the basic plot. Is there an answer to that?

It's as if someone asked you: "What if you were a robot sent back in time to kill the mother of a future human resistance leader?" The response to both questions is an awkward "That would...be nice, I guess?"

Actual tagline: none.

None? But how will I know what it's about? Has anyone heard anything about this "Ironed Man"?




Actual tagline: Everybody Loves... BABIES

Point-of-fact, poster: I do not love babies. I have nothing against them, per se, but babies do not inherently appeal to me on their own merits. They can't really do much of anything. Sorry.




Actual tagline: 100 % medically accurate

OR: Their flesh is his fantasy.

By special request (AKA Dave's insistence), this week we include an obscure horror film that may indeed expand to more than just one theater in the weeks to come, if purchasing agents can keep from gagging long enough to consider it.

The premise is simple enough- a mad scientist connects three people end to end to make a centipede-like creature. I don't think anyone buying a ticket is worried about the medical accuracy of the proceedings, but one of the taglines is here to reassure us.

And beyond the film's own promotional material, there are plenty of DVD-cover worthy reverse endorsements out there. Who wouldn't be intrigued by the following:

"Without question one of the most disgusting horror films ever made."
-Entertainment Weekly

"Almost more revolting to describe than to watch."
-The New York Times

"I don’t think I’d ever want to meet anyone who truly enjoyed it."
-The Newark Star-Ledger

Now you might say to yourself- "I'm going to vote with my purse-strings and not see this terrible film, even if it comes to my town!" And that's your right. But it hardly matters: there's already a sequel in the works.

Actual tagline: He came. He saw. They conquered.

I wish there was a way to see exactly how many films have co-opted the "came, saw, conquered" bit for a bad slogan- 'cause I bet it's in the thousands.

I'm sure this movie tries its best to be cute- woodland creatures retaliate against a real estate developer seems like a solid idea, but I can't help but notice one of them is a freking bear. Bears get a very specific, messy type of vengeance that might buck a G rating.




Actual tagline: Never Sleep Again.

OR: Welcome To Your New Nightmare.

Word is that Michael Bay and co. wanted to make this thoroughly unnecessary remake more scary by removing the campy humor of the original, AKA what made it great in the first place.