Kinematoscope

(And now, for something completely different. Dave bought something like 178 CDs THAT WERE RELEASED in 2009, to say nothing of CDs he bought overall last year. As such, he brings us his top 25 albums while we're still digesting Oscar nominations. I've linked to mp3 blogs where you can download his favorite tracks from each, if you're so inclined.)



I have no freaky rules like the Grammys do. My rules are simple:

A) The albums here were released between January 1, 2009, and December 31, 2009.

B) Soundtracks, Greatest Hits, and Compilations are not the list.


25.) Amy Millan – Masters of the Burial: Imagine if my rock n’ roll girlfriend, Karen O, performed in her quiet, sweet voice all the time. You there? That is what Amy Millan sounds like and it’s quite nice. Best Song: “Bruised Ghosts”

24.) MSTRKRFT – Fist of God: Best workout, “I Want to Run Down the Street for No Apparent Reason” Album. Best Song: “Vuvuvu”

23.) Japandroids – Post-Nothing: The cacophonous melodies that appear on this album are excellent and show a promising future for these Canadians. Best Song: “Young Hearts Spark Fire”

22.) La Roux – La Roux: The soprano-voiced, techno beat princess hit it big in England… Maybe she’ll catch on here. Best Song: “In for the Kill”

21.) Simian Mobile Disco – Temporary Pleasure: I really can’t describe this album, aside from the fact that I know it’s good. Best Song: “Audacity of Huge”

20.) The Thermals – Now We Can See: You were right about the lead singer’s voice. It did take me a while to actually like it, but now that I do, I enjoy this album. Best Song: “Now We Can See”

19.) Jay – Z – The Blueprint III: The best rapper releases the best rap album of the year. Novel concept. Best Song: “Empire State of Mind”

18.) The Avett Brothers – I and Love and You: I love how music “insiders” say that Timbaland does wonders. What about Rick Rubin? Best Song: “Head Full of Doubt / Road Full of Promise”

17.) Them Crooked Vultures – Them Crooked Vultures: A throwback to the super bands of yesterday. This album proved that rock n’ roll – at its truest form – still has a pulse. Best Song: “Nobody Loves Me and Neither Do I”

16.) White Lies – To Lose My Life…: The leads singer was recently quoted as saying he has never listened to Joy Division and they do not influence his music style… Yeah… And I’m the Pope. Best Song: “Farewell to the Fairground”

15.) Band of Skulls – Baby Darling Doll Face Honey: When did the English learn to sound like the White Stripes? Best Song: “Honest”

14.) St. Vincent – Actor: I am surprised (but in a good way) that she made it onto the New Moon soundtrack for more exposure. Best Song: “Actor Out of Work”

13.) Camera Obscura – My Mauldin Life: I imagine the band Chairlift wished they had gone this route instead. Best Song: “French Navy”

12.) Peter Bjorn and John – Living Thing: Those damn Swedes! Best Song: “Nothing to Worry About”

11.) Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest: It took a little while, but this album grew steadily on me. Best Song: “Two Weeks”

10.) Metric – Fantasies: I am always impressed by a band that gets better over time. I am also amazed when I discover a band and later find out that its their fourth album. A nice reminder that I am not ahead of the curve. Best Song: “Help! I’m Alive!”

9.) Tegan and Sara – Sainthood: This is their most complete album to date. Polished, yet still innovative. Best Song: “Hell”

8.) Mobile – Tales from the City: The combination of rock and techno often merely yields a techno album that features an electric guitar. However, Mobile’s album offers rock n’ roll with but mild electronica, as to not drown out their songs. Best Song: “The Killer” (Editor’s Note: Link is to a YouTube video because Dave has obscure goddamn taste and it’s impossible to find mp3’s for some random Canadian band that no one has heard of. -Duncan)

7.) The Dead Weather – Horehound: This will do quite nicely until the next White Stripes album. Best Song: “Treat Me like Your Mother”

6.) The Field – Yesterday and Today: Best techno album of the year, bar none. The flow of this album is dreamlike. Best Song: “Leave It”

5.) Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion: Weird sounds abound, but it all works really well. I feel like this is what would happen if the Muppets were real and made an album… That is meant to be a really nice compliment. Best Song: “Summertime Clothes” (probably my favorite song of the year too)

4.) Florence and the Machine – Lungs: This is one of those albums that from start to finish, you get hooked. I am already eagerly awaiting a follow up album and I figure that she has to be a shoo-in for Best New Artist. Best Song: “Howl”

3.) Miike Snow – Miike Snow: Simply put, Miike Snow is bizarre. The melodies this trio puts out range from trippy to melodramatic to lovelorn. From the album’s opening song “Animal” (which is also the album’s first single), you get pulled in and can’t helped but be fixated by the music. One of the best debut albums in recent memory- and assuredly the best debut of the year. Best Song: “Silvia”

2.) Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s – It’s Blitz: Probably my most-listened-to album this year. It’s Blitz is a rollicking good time from start to finish, with great flow from song-to-song. The only criticism I have is the inclusion of the acoustic tracks at the end. While entertaining, they don’t really add any value to a great album. Best Song: “Heads Will Roll”

1.) White Rabbits – It’s Frightening: Where to begin with this one? The White Rabbits’ debut album Fortnightly from 2007, did not leave any impression on me. While I was not disappointed by their efforts, I was simply unmoved. However, in the two years since, they have developed into a finely tuned music machine. Every song on this album is well executed, well produced, and awesome. The intense opening beats of “Percussion Gun” to the finale of make for a lasting impression, and the best album of the year. Best Song: “Percussion Gun”

7:08 AM: I wait for the livestream.com thing to load. Here's hoping my connection can take it!

7:10 AM: Ach! Thanks for the feedback noise in the earbuds! Right now I get a beeping noise and an empty stage. Switching to the faceook feed.

7:13 AM: Okay, no more sound at all. Look! People milling about! I thought there would be some sort of preamble, but I guess they didn't feel the need to hype up the super-nerds who are tuning in to this in the first place. I guess I get to kill the next 25 minutes.

7:16 AM: Playing some music to make sure my sound is, in fact, still on. It's "Aside" by The Weakerthans up first, if you were wondering.

7:19 AM: Couldn't they have gotten Bill Murray to announce these, on Groundhog Day?

7:22 AM: On a related note, I hear that if AMPAS president Tom Sherak sees his shadow today, we get FIFTEEN nominees next year.

7:30 AM: Guy with a think Bronx accent is telling us the rules. Ten categories to announce, press kits, blah blah blah.

7:31 AM: Apparently there's a big problem with the press loitering when this is over, 'cause the guy stresses that they need to be OUT of the parking garage in two hours' time.

7:32 AM: That was it? Now we get to listen to restless crowd noise for five minutes before the real show.

7:37 AM: One minute! The excitement is palpable. Will Anne Hathaway look tired at all at 5:38 in the morning? Will she surprisingly read her own name for Bride Wars?

7:38 AM: Orchestra! Boom! Tom Sherak begins by making Sid Ganis look suave, and brings on Hathaway, lookin great at any hour.

7:39: S. Actress: Penelope Cruz? Damn! Kendrick, Farmiga (which Sherak butchers), Gyllenhaal? and Mo'Nique.

7:39: S. Actor: Matt Damon? Curses! Waltz gets a mild applause. Also, Plummer, Tucci, and Harrelson.

7:40: Actress. Scattered cheers for Bullock. No surprises. Streep, Mulligan, Sidibe, and Mirren.

7:40: Actor. Raises fist: FREEMAN!! Hooray for Renner. Firth, Bridges (no time for another standing O) and Clooney.

7:41: Director. Lee Daniels makes it as well. All of my gutsy calls ar going up in flames. Tarantino, Bigelow, Cameron, and Reitman.

7:41: A Serious Man and the Messenger in Orig Screenplay. Basterds, Locker, and Up. Ooooh, no Avatar!

7:41: Adapted. Boom! In The Loop! Called it! Nailed this whole category (and actress). District 9, An Education (Hornby five!), Precious, and Up In The Air.

7:42: I've only even heard of two of the foreign films.

7:42: The Secret of Kells? WTF?

7:42 AM: BP TIME! Avatar.. BLIND SIDE?-GAK! District 9! An Education! HUrt Locker! Basterds! Precious. A Serious Man. Up! and Up In The Air. No Star Trek? Ah, well.

7:45 AM: Aaand now it's back to milling around. I'm trying to check awardsdaily for the full list, but it's ofcourse crashed. Oscars.org it is. Full list up already.

7:47 AM: A disturbing amount of people on the "see what people are saying on facebook" thingy are all like "AVATAR!!!! YEEEESSSS!!!!" Cause for alarm?

7:51 AM: Overheard in the crowd: Some douche saying "So it's Jason [Reitman] versus James [Cameron] for best picture AND director!" Uh, where have you been, random guy? Not heard of a little Iraq-War movie and some lady that won the DGA?

Full post-mortem on the noms on the blogs later.

Oh, snap. Time for some straight up prognosticating.

Spoiler alert: This is going to take a while. I have thoughts about all nineteen categories (the three short films, documentary feature and foreign language will not be appearing, since I have seen a grand total of… one of them. That would be the short that ran in front of Up).

SOUND MIXING

Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Star Trek
Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen

I’ll stick with the guild nominees from the Cinema Audio Society on this one. Big, loud picture always have the easiest route, and the box office for Avatanic, Star Trek, Transformers, and District 9 guarantee that the screeners got maximum exposure. Thought Pixar’s been a favorite, Up wasn’t really a sonically diverse film, and it was a step back from the inventiveness of Wall-E or the The Incredibles, so I think The Hurt Locker gets a token-war-film nomination (because Nine is so dismal it won’t get a token-musical nomination).

Sadly the infamous Kevin O’Connell will not receive a twenty-first nomination (without winning) for Public Enemies. He’s always my favorite Oscar subplot when he’s got a chance to end the streak. It would be pretty cruel if his former team on Transformers wins without him, though.

More...

SOUND EDITING

Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Star Trek
Up

I put in Up on the basis that it’s an animated film, which means all sounds were created from nothing, so I see it getting a nod for the creation of effects (rather than for the mixing of effects with sound recorded on-set). And I took out Transformers: Explodier and Incoherenter because it’s got the least buzz of all the films left, and because the mixing of the fx with recordings of real military crafts and such seems like the safer bet.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

Avatar
District 9
Star Trek

Also, remember when the first Transformers was nominated for special effects and everyone was sure it would win and then it didn’t? I’m not getting burned like that again. Thanks for playing, movies that aren’t Avatar. Enjoy hearing your names read at the Oscars.

COSTUMES

The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
Inglourious Basterds
Nine
Sherlock Holmes
The Young Victoria

Two films seem pretty safe: Victoria and Nine (despite the flop) are locked in, but the other three are anybody’s guess. So I ended up with three home-picks- Basterds’s designer has been nominated for WWII work in the past, and the final two did get Costume Designer’s Guild nominations.

MAKEUP

District 9
The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
Star Trek

Aliens, Gilliam-induced acid hallucinations, and more aliens.

ART DIRECTION

Avatar
District 9
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Inglourious Basterds
Sherlock Holmes

District 9 is my gutsy call here- though it did get a BAFTA nomination. The real question is Avatar- it seems inevitable, but this award is shared with set designers, and the votes haven’t been kind to green-screen work so far. But you can’t ignore $2 billion.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Avatar
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
The White Ribbon

Sorry, Nine. You were the favorite until you crashed and burned. Bruno Delbonnel, of Amelie fame, steals the spot for his Harry Potter work, and the others came straight from the guild.

ORIGINAL SCORE

Alexandre Desplat, Fantastic Mr. Fox
Michael Giacchino, Star Trek
Michael Giacchino, Up
Marvin Hamlisch, The Informant!
James Horner, Avatar

Giacchino for Up is the sure winner, but he gets the twofer this year. Desplat has something like seventeen scores eligible, but Foxwas the best (and I don’t think AMPAS wants to nominate Twilight: New Moon for anything). Everyone was super-excited about Hamlisch returning to film scores after a decade, and Avatar continues to get in every categories’ business, even though Horner’s droning score is more of a sleep aid.

ORIGINAL SONG

Avatar- “I Will See You”
Crazy Heart- “The Weary Kind”
The Princess and the Frog- “Almost There”
The Princess and the Frog- “Down In New Orleans”
Where The Wild Things Are- “All Is Love”

This category can bite me. Every year it makes no sense. I feel comfortable predicting that much like Bruce Springsteen last year, the voters will decide that the Oscar telecast doesn’t need a performance from U2 (Brothers) or Paul McCartney (Everybody’s Fine). My gut tells me they’ll either only nominate three songs again, or do the patented Disney-double-dip again and make everyone groan. Here’s hoping Randy Newman wins and gives everyone the finger.

ANIMATED FEATURE

Avatar
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess And The Frog
Up

Though it’s excitingly the first year there will be five nominees in this category, it turned out to be rather easy to predict, with the winner even easier. Oh well.

EDITING

Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Up In The Air

This category normally mirrors the Best Picture heavies, but with a random action movie thrown in (like The Bourne Ultimatum that one time). I went with District 9 to take the place of Precious, and Inglourious Basterds to get a mention as well, despite missing the guild nomination.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

District 9
An Education
In The Loop
Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire
Up In The Air

How rare is it for this category to only have two locks in it? Those would be Precious and Up In The Air, the surefire winner. The rest could go many places, from Fantastic Mr. Fox to Star Trek, or even Where The Wild Things Are.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

(500) Days Of Summer
Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Up

Sorry, Coen brothers. I’m still not even clear why it’s in this category and not adapted, anyway, since A Serious Man was based on the book of Job, but hey, Avatar is just Pocahontas with new names. Summer takes the last spot among Best Picture nominees here.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Vera Farmiga, Up In The Air
Anna Kendrick, Up In The Air
Diane Kruger, Inglourious Basterds
Mo’Nique, Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire
Julianne Moore, A Single Man

Can we ever have a year when three of the four acting races aren’t clearly decided months before the ceremony? No?

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
Anthony Mackie, The Hurt Locker
Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

Boom! Mackie’s going to pull a Michael Shannon and sneak in to this category. You read it here… maybe not first, but at some point. Mark it. The rest of the field is pretty set.

LEADING ACTRESS

Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
Carey Mulligan, An Education
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire
Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

It’s not going to be long before someone edits all of the “Julie” portions out of Julie & Julia (much like how people edited Jar Jar Binks out of The Phantom Menace) and leave only Meryl Streep’s performance as Julia Child. But Sandra Bullock could deny her a third Oscar, though her win would feel like little more than a bone toss to The Blind Side fans, with their “values” and “decency” and other foreign things.

LEADING ACTOR

Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
George Clooney, Up In The Air
Matt Damon, The Informant!
Colin Firth, A Single Man
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Let me just say, if Morgan Freeman gets in over Matt Damon, I’ll be pissed- because I feel like it shouldn’t happen, but many other places are predicting it will. But he was great in The Informant!- it was even one of those Oscar-type roles where you gain weight and act crazy.

DIRECTOR

Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Neil Blomkamp, District 9
James Cameron, Avatar
Jason Reitman, Up In The Air
Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds

Going for broke: Daniels out, Blomkamp in. There’s usually one DGA nominee that’s not in the category, and Daniels is number five on the list right now.

PICTURE

I’m going to do this in order of probability to win, with thoughts on each one.

1. The Hurt Locker

Hopefully it didn’t move to front-runner status a bit too soon, with more than a month for people to settle back into acceptance of Avatar’s inevitability. But how great would it be if the critics and AMPAS agreed on the best film of the year for once?

2. Avatar

Look, I was pretty upset last year when the academy decided it didn’t have to nominate The Dark Knight just because it made a ton of money. I suppose, however, that I can at least respect the attempt at integrity. But if they go ahead and reverse themselves and give Cameron little Oscars with 3D glasses on them, I am done. You hear me? Done*.

3. Up In The Air

Still not quite dead, the favorite from festival season is still the most traditional “Oscar picture” left in the race. And Clooney demonstrated with the Haiti telethon that his smile alone can get a whole lot done.

4. Inglourious Basterds

Tarantino’s film is a masterpiece, but it still had enough edge to keep it from the top of AMPAS’ lists, even though it seems relatively mild compared to something like Kill Bill. It’s only a matter of time before he makes his No Country For Old Men and is fully embraceable.

5. Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire

At one point it seemed like this year’s Slumdog, a small picture destined to ride a wave of white guilt to the podium. But after a little backlash, it seems to have lost steam to the point that Mo’Nique’s award is all it will get.

6. District 9

I seriously feel that this film will be the Nader to Avatar’s Al Gore, if you know what I mean.

7. An Education

Old-school Oscar film number two. Carey Mulligan and the screenplay have kept the profile high enough to keep it in mind.

8. Up

Hooray for animated films getting token respect. I liked Up as much as the next person, but was it better than Wall-E?

9. Star Trek
10. Crazy Heart

Yep, those are my last two. Yeah, that’s right- I’m predicting an across the board shut-out for BOTH A Serious Man and Invictus. No one seems to mention them at all.

We’ll see you back tomorrow with how the predictions went, and some counter-programming from Dave.

TOTALS:

Avatar- 11
The Hurt Locker- 9
Inglourious Basterds- 9
District 9- 9
Star Trek- 6
Up In The Air- 7
Up- 5
Precious- 4
An Education- 3
Crazy Heart- 3
The Princess and the Frog- 3
Sherlock Holmes- 2
The Imaginarium Of Dr. Parnassus- 2
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince- 2
Fantastic Mr. Fox- 2
The Informant!- 2
A Single Man- 2
The Last Station- 2
A Bunch Of Others- 1

*This is not true. I'll never be done with the Oscars.

It's that time again, folks. Here are my friend Dave's picks for everything but the shorts, documentary, and foreign- because we live in Milwaukee and haven't seen any of them.

Best Sound Effects

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Star Trek
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Up

LOUD NOISES!

Best Sound Effects Editing

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Star Trek
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Up

LOUDER NOISES!

More...

Best Special Effects

Avatar
Star Trek
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Pretty things…

Best Costume Design

An Education
Inglourious Basterds
Nine
A Single Man
The Young Victoria

Prettier things…

Best Production Design

The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Nine
A Single Man
Where the Wild Things Are

More pretty things…

Best Makeup

District 9
Star Trek
The Young Victoria

Best Cinematography

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
A Serious Man
A Single Man

::Nodding Head::

Best Original Score

Avatar
An Education
A Single Man
Star Trek
Up

Best Song

Avatar – “I Will See You”
Brothers – “Winter”
Crazy Heart – “The Weary Kind”
Everybody’s Fine – “I Want to Come Home”
Where the Wild Things Are – “All Is Love” (not a homer pick at all…)

Best Animated Feature

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess and the Frog
Up

Best Film Editing

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious
Up in the Air

One category to decide them all… Sort of…

Best Adapted Screenplay

District 9
An Education
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Precious
Up in the Air

I feel pretty confident about this category. I have not further explain as to why.

Best Original Screenplay

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
A Serious Man
Up

Same here…

Mo’Nique Delivers Another Speech Best Supporting Actress

Vera Farmiga – Up in the Air
Anna Kendrick – Up in the Air
Mo’Nique – Precious
Julianne Moore – A Single Man
Samantha Morton – The Messenger

This was a pretty easy category to pick. I would have put Penelope Cruz here for Nine, but that film has just fallen off the radar. I placed Morton in her place. Dark Horse: Penelope Cruz – Nine, if she is still the voter’s darling.

The Christoph Waltz Award Best Supporting Actor

Matt Damon – Invictus
Woody Harrelson – The Messenger
Christopher Plummer – The Last Station
Stanley Tucci – The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz – Inglourious Basterds

Too easy. Dark Horse: Anthony Mackie – The Hurt Locker

Best Actress

Sandra Bullock – The Blind Side
Helen Mirren – The Last Station
Carey Mulligan – An Education
Gabourey Sidibe – Precious
Meryl Streep – Julie and Julia

The Bullock-Streep title bout takes center stage here. The two newcomers, Mulligan and Sidibe, will be rewarded with nominations – and be content with that. I figure Mirren for the last spot because she’s always a favorite and there really is no one else. Dark Horse: Emily Blunt – The Young Victoria

Best Actor

Jeff Bridges – Crazy Heart
George Clooney – Up in the Air
Matt Damon – The Informant!
Colin Firth – A Single Man
Jeremy Renner – The Hurt Locker

I feel that Bridges, Clooney, and Firth are locks. I would bet the farm on them. The last two spots have been toss ups over the last several weeks. Damon has gotten a Golden Globe nomination, while Renner got a BAFTA nomination. I feel that those two are the most likely candidates because Renner leads the most lauded film of the year, and Damon is going to get nominated because it is a good performance (from what I hear) and he has not been nominated since Good Will Hunting. Dark Horse: RDJ – Sherlock Holmes

Best Director

Kathryn Bigelow – The Hurt Locker
James Cameron – Avatar
Lee Daniels – Precious
Jason Reitman – Up in the Air
Quentin Tarantino – Inglourious Basterds

Another category where four are locks (Bigelow, Cameron, Reitman, and Tarantino), and there is one slot open. Eastwood, Daniels, and JJ Abrams are the most likely to fill that last spot. Pete Docter will be overlooked for Up because animation has not come that far – yet. I figure it to be Daniels because the DGA gave him the nomination over Eastwood and Abrams has not seen any love this year. Dark Horse: Lone Scherfig – An Education.

Best Picture

Avatar
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Invictus
Precious
A Serious Man
Star Trek
Up
Up in the Air

I feel very confident about nine of these ten being here. The one I don’t? A Serious Man. I feel that the last spot comes down to the Coen Brothers’ film or District 9. Invictus gets in on pure prestige, as its odds have faded considerably since its release. Dark Horse: District 9

Totals:
Avatar – 10
The Hurt Locker – 9
Inglourious Basterds – 8
Up in the Air – 7
Precious – 6
A Single Man – 6
Up – 6
Star Trek - 6
An Education – 5
A Serious Man – 3
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – 3
Where the Wild Things Are – 2
Crazy Heart – 2
Fantastic Mr. Fox – 2
Invictus – 2
The Last Station – 2
The Messenger – 2
Nine – 2
District 9 – 2
The Young Victoria – 2
The Blind Side – 1
Brothers – 1
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs – 1
Coraline – 1
Everybody’s Fine – 1
The Informant! – 1
Julie and Julia – 1
The Lovely Bones – 1
The Princess and the Frog – 1

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Some Secrets Take Us To The Edge

That doesn't really tell me much, poster. Unless that secret that takes us to the edge is... anti-semitism? (Obligatory. It's his first movie back!)

From The Trailer: Turns out the entire tag goes thusly: Some Memories Never Fade. Some Feeling Never Change. Some Secrets Take Us To The Edge.

Also we learn this is another in the suddenly-lucrative "Don't Mess With My Daughter" subgenre after the slight sucess of last year's The Last House On The Left and the surprise smash hit Taken. Some people kill Mel-Gibson-The-Cop's daughter, and he, well, kills all of them.




Actual tagline: Did You Ever Wish For The Impossible?

Another bafflingly cryptic poster/tag combination. What's "the impossible"? To have a giant right shoulder and a teeny left one? For your fingernails to be edible? Fitting five people in an old-school mini-cooper?

From The Trailer: Again, no additional motto.

But we do discover that Kristen Bell is unlucky in love, and needs a high concept rom-com to find it! Spoiler Alert: she falls in love and it ends happily and our memories of Veronica Mars die just a little.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Don't hope for a miracle. Make one

Miracles by definition are something you can only hope for, unless you happen to believe in a deity (or so I hear). Then you can pray to said deity, or maybe blackmail it, until the miracle is delivered.

From The Trailer: They Had Everything To Lose. So They Risked It All. (What?)




Actual tagline: When The Last Angel Falls... The Fight For Mankind Begins.

Is it religious week? It's nice to see Paul Bettany paying his bills, but why would an angel need a semi-automatic? And this is just me thinking out loud but why would an angel have a bellybutton, since he/she/it would not be born of woman?

From The Trailer: No more slogans there, but I bet there's a fun drinking game in this film if you do a shot every time Bettany uses his gravelly badass voice and says Angels.




Actual tagline: The Tooth Hurts.

OR: You Can't Handle The Tooth.

Rejcted ideas for these posters, I'm sure: The Tooth About Cats And Dogs. An Inconvenient Tooth. We Hold These Tooths To Be Self-Evident. and so on.

Sidenote: I wonder if in the future, this will lead to some hilarious Netflix queue mix-ups with the straight-to-DVD horror movie of the same name.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

No joke, internets. One of the resolutions I made this year was to not miss a single week of this feature, since it's breezy to write and fun, and then I got bronchitis and missed the very first week. So we start 2010 with a double installment of last Friday's wide releases and this week's.

Actual tagline: Anna planned to propose to her boyfriend on February 29th. This is not her boyfriend.

What a reversal, poster! You should just keep it going: This is not Anna. This is not a movie poster. You are not yourself. NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS!

From the trailer: When life surprises you... don't be afraid to take a LEAP of faith.

Also feel free to take a bunch of pratfalls, apparently. Quick googling reveals the "women can propose on leap day" legend to be a real thing (or a real legend, anyway). I wonder if the movie will adhere to all of the traditions supposedly involved, like the woman having to wear a scarlet flannel petticoat while proposing (and the man paying her a forfeit for turning her down, like a silk gown or 100 pounds).




Actual tagline: He Wasn't a Rebel Until He Found His Cause.

Raise your hand if you are in the target demographic for this Michael Cera vehicle and have seen Rebel Without A Cause. No one? Do you know who stars in it? No? And yet the title has survived in the pop consciousness enough for this tagline to make sense. Go figure.




Actual tagline: In 2019, the most precious natural resource... is us.

That's not proper grammar, is it? One would never say "In 2019, us is the most precious natural resource." Also this poster seems to want me to think that this movie is like The Matrix, but... blue.

From the trailer: This Winter, the battle between Immortality and Humanity.. IS ON.



Actual tagline: Some will kill to have it. He will kill to protect it.

Presumably, "it" is the titular book. Without any other context, I assume this is some sort of post-apocalyptic librarian movie.




Actual tagline: Part spy, part babysitter, all hero.

A difficult choice between that and the equally lame Spying is easy, babysitting is hard. Is Jackie Chan officially only able to get children as costars now? What happened to B-Movie actresses like Claire Forlani and Jennifer Love-Hewitt? Were they deterred by his joints making ungodly noises while still performing his own stunts (he's 55)?

I do love how the poster keeps going- still not sold? How about Billy Ray Cyrus! And George Lopez! Will that do it?

From the trailer: There was something that was all like "Bob Ho has dethroned dictators, but he's about to face his greatest challenge yet... White children!" or something but I was too busy clenching my teeth to notice. Cyrus and Lopez are apparently worse actors than Jackie Chan, and a pig is fed bacon. Thought you should know.




Actual tagline: The story of a life and everything that came after...

More accurately, a death and everything that came after. I'm pretty grateful that this movie has no Oscar potential at all, because now I won't feel obligated to see it at all. Murder makes people sad? You don't say.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Who Will Be The Last Man Standing?

OR: To Protect and Serve. Yourself.

A film about an armored truck heist picked the second-most indicatie of those three words for the title (to be fair, there's already a Heist, and Truck would be worse). And then the theives turn on each other? Until only one is left standing? Is he standing on the truck?

And armored truck guards are not police, I believe, so I doubt they take the exact same oath to "protect and serve."




Actual tagline: There are two sides to every family.

I guess there are, Brothers, I guess there are. I'm not sure if I like that better than the original Danish film's tagline: "How far would you go for Family... Surival... Love..."

One is a nonsensical platitude, the other keeps heading toward a question mark that never comes. Let's let the internet at large decide!




Actual tagline: Frank wanted the holidays to be picture perfect. What he got was family.

Wow, that stings. Sam Rockwell, I forgive you. It may take some time, and I'll cringe everytime I see commercials for this film, but I'll forgive you, I promise.

I bet this would make a hilarious Rockwell/Kate Beckinsale double feature if you watched it and Snow Angels back to back.




Actual tagline: Euro-trashed! Euro-smashed! Euro-slashed!

OR: College kids. The other white meat.

This terrible-looking comedy has some terrible slogans, sure, but the bigger issue here is this: this movie used to be Dorm Daze 3, as in National Lampoon Presents Dorm Daze 3, which means that the name of the National Lampoon film series has been tread on so much in recent years that they've REMOVED IT FROM THE NAME of this meaningless trifle, instead latching onto the vampire craze of the late aughts to carry it to sub-mediocrity.

What is the world (of incomprehensibly not direct-to-dvd campus comedies) coming to these days?

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Fear Not The Weapon But The Hand That Wields It.

Very Zen, completely insane looking ninja movie. I think I'll split the difference and fear both hand and weapon.




Actual tagline: Sit. Stay. Play Dad.

OR: Life is Not Child-Proof

Disney continues its quest to teach people the true meaning of family, one washed-up movie star at a time. Also, I love that Old Dogs' title is pretty similar to director Walt Becker's last lowbrow crowd-pleaser, Wild Hogs. Coming soon: Mild Clogs, Piled Logs, and Soiled Frogs.




Actual tagline: His life is fantastic... his wife is fantastic... his neighbors, not so fantastic.

OR: Dig the life fantastic.

OR: This year, forget super... ignore incredible... it's all about fantastic.

He's the most fantastically fantastical fox that ever fantasticked in fantastic-town! Fantastic!

(that third knows there was a "Fantastic Four," right?)

What follows, in many, many words is a parody of the #1 movie in America (somehow), 2012.

Movies In A Nutshell are not to be confused with Cleolinda's Movies in Fifteen Minutes which are awesome. She covered 2012 as well.

Otherwise, enjoy!

Click for More...

India, Presentish Day

Dr. Adrian Helmsley arrives in India, and greets his friend Dr. Indian Guy.

Helmsley: Is it me, old friend, or do your wife and child grow more photogenic and representative of your entire nation every year?

Dr. Indian Guy: They do stand in quite nicely for billions of people, Dr. Helmsley.

Helmsley: Call me Adrian. I'm too handsome to be a "doctor".

They take a rickety elevator OF DEATH down an old copper mine to where some sweaty scientists are looking at machines.

Dr. Indian Guy: We recently detected the biggest solar eruption ever, so we made a vector drawing of it.

Helmsley: (putting on his Scientist Glasses) Ooh, very nice.

Dr. Indian Guy: The resultant neutrinos are now causing a physical reaction!

Helmsley: My. God.

Another Scientist: But neutrinos cause hardly any effect on matter. 50 trillion neutrinos pass through every person every second, so how can-

Dr. Indian Guy: Shut up Ranjesh! So anyway, the Earth's crust is more or less melting... to more, uh, molten than it already is.

Helmsley: That's impossible!

Another Scientist: That's what I was-

Dr. Indian Guy: He was saying it incredulously, Ranjesh! Quiet!


Washington D. C., The Very Next Day

Helmsley busts into a fancy party to track down White House Chief of Staff Carl Anheuser

Anheuser: You can't come in here! This is a black-tie fundraiser.

Helmsley: I just flew 20 hours to get here, so if you'd just-

Anheuser: Think of all the children without black ties in the world!

Helmsley: ...What? No, just look at this document!

This paper clearly contains science-speak for 'EARTH GO BOOM,' as Anheuser quickly sobers up.

Anheuser: Good thing you don't grow stubble on 20-hour plane rides.

Helmsley: Why?

Anheuser: Because we're going to meet the President.


The G8 Summit, Six Months Later, British Columbia

The U.S. President (Danny Glover) adresses the other seven heads of the Group Of Eight

President Globama: Ladies and gentlemen- recently certain information has come to light, and it's been confirmed by our best and brightest scientists, and it's totally irrefutable and stuff...there's a lot of ins, a lot of outs to this case, man, and I think that... I mean it might not be such a simple, uh... you know?-

Random Prime Minister: What in God's holy name are you blathering about? Aren't you supposed to be a great speaker?

President Globama: What I'm saying is, the world as we know it will soon come to an end.


China, 2010

An in-charge type yells at a mass of downtrodden worker types.

In-Charge Type: Who here can weld? We need workers for the new dam.

Welder: I can! Why does the dam have so many windows?

In-Charge Type: Quiet!


London, 2011

A Saudi-Arabian Prince reads a glowy screen as a British Government Official waits.

Saudi Prince: So it's one billion dollars for each seat? I have many relatives...

British Official: Dollars? Wow, that is adorable. It's one billion Euro- be serious.


Paris, 2011

A French museum director, Roland, and the First Daughter, are replacing the Mona Lisa with a replica during the night, so it can be preserved in a Swedish bunker. I guess.


California, 2012 (dun dun dun!)

Struggling writer and limo driver Jackson Curtis sleeps on his couch.

The TV: Mass Suicides Reported At Mayan Temples! Possibly Related To The Totally Legit Prophecy RE: Dec 21, 2012!

A brief Earthquake shakes Jackson awake, and he rushes off his ex-wife, Kate's (Amanda Peet) house to pick up his children for a camping trip. A hobo on the street holds a sign that reads "The End Is Nigh." This hobo is likely Roland Emmerich in his downtime.

Kate: Did you remember the bugspray?

Jackson: Probably not, I'm really harried. But in a likable way.

Moppet-Daughter: Daddy!

Sulky-Son: Jackson, what is this?

Jackson: Call me "dad"- that's such a tired cliche.


A Dock, Somewhere

Two old Jazz Guys are boarding a cruise ship, when a large wave rocks the entire ship and loading platform. They're very old and cranky about it.


The Oval Office

President Globama: You're telling me that you predicted the end of the Earth to be somewhere in mid 2013, without any sort of backup plan in case it happened sooner?

Helmsley: Yes, sir- I was wrong.

President Globama: Didn't the Mayans predict it would happen about now? You think that was a coincidence?

Helmsley: Well, that's actually completely wro-

First Daughter: (bursting in) You told me I was preserving art! But Roland called me and said it was all some massive coverup and then his CAR EXPLODED while he was on the phone!

President Globama: Nevermind that now, there's something big I need to tell you about.

Helmsley: (Checks own breath) So...you like art?

President Globama: Weren't you going to Yellowstone for some science?


Yellowstone

Jackson and his kids hop a fence that says "Restricted Area" and such things.

Sulky-Son: Don't you see the signs?

The Audience: ::GROANS::

They then see a circle of yellow caution tape and walk DIRECTLY TO THE MIDDLE OF IT. Helicopters and Humvees swoop in to collect them.

Helmsley: This data is unbelievable! If you look at it just right it makes a dolphin.

Soldier: We found these civilians in the hot zone, sir.

Helmsley: You folks should really leave the area so you don't melt...Say, aren't you "the" Jackson Curtis, that wrote Leaving Atlantis?

Jackson: You read it?

Helmsley: I'm reading it right now! All those people, selflessly trying to save a civilization. It's a little ham-fisted, really. Off you go.

Helmsley then video-chats with Dr. Indian Guy, who informs him everywhre else is as unstable as Yellowstone.

Helmsley: My. God. Man, if I had a nickel for everytime I've uttered that in terror.. Nevermind. Gather your family, Dr. I'll arrange an airlift for you from Delhi.

Dr. Indian Guy: Thank you so much, Adrian.

Helmsley: I mean, I'll probably remember. Here, I'll put it in my Blackberry.

Later, Jackson's terribly harried parenting leads to awkwardness putting them to bed. He wanders to Crazy Woody Harrelson's camper/radio station nearby

Jackson: So when you say it's all going to start in Hollywood, what do mean?

Crazy Woody Harrelson: I made a film explaining this, man, didn't you download my blog? Check it out!

What follows is a ridiculous, Morgan Spurlocky cartoon that lays out the pseudoscience premise

Crazy Woody Harrelson: Plus they're building spaceships, man! Spaceships!

Jackson: Yeah, I'm gonna go.


The Supermarket

Kate: Can we drop this, Gordon? He's the father of my children.

Gordon: But I'm your new, douchey boyfriend! Why am I clearly less good-looking than he is? I'm sorry, it's just lately I feel like something's literally tearing us apart.

The Earth: No, this would be LITERALLY! Rips the Supermarket in half right between where they're standing.


Random Boxing Match

Yuri Karpov, IMPORTANT, WEALTHY RUSSIAN in a FANCY SCARF, and his girlfriend Tamara arrive. Yuri talks to one of the fighters, who may or may not be his son (?).

Boxing Coach: Hey! He needs to focus now.

Yuri: ::INCOMPREHENSIBLE, ANGRY RUSSIAN::

Boxing Coach: Sorry, Mr. Karpov.

Yuri's Cellphone: GO TIME- IT IS THIS DAY!

Yuri leaves at once, leaving Tamara and the boxer-dude to get confused and punched, respectively.


California Once More

Jackson, having dropped his kids back at home, now delivers Yuri's twin sons at the airport, as he is the family's limo driver

Yuri's Kid #1: Way to be late, chotch!

Jackson: Whatever, tubby- I'm published, so...nyah.

Yuri's Kid #2: Pfah! Enjoy dying while we go on a big ship!

Sasha (The family pilot): Nyet!

Jackson looks confused and gets back in the limo as they board the plane.

Crazy Woody Harrelson (on the radio): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The Ground: ::STARTS TO CRACK::

Jackson runs to a nearby hangar

Jackson: Dude is this your plane? Can I rent it? Can you promise we can use it even if the city erupts into pandemonion?

Dude: Uh.

Jackson: I'll give you a watch.

What follows is an extended, insane sequence (That You Can Watch Here) in which the San Andreas fault breaks off, Jackson rescues his family (and Gordon, the new boyfriend) in a seemingly indestructible limo, gets back to the plane (the Dude got killed, no one took the plane which was polite) and Gordon, who has comically only had two flying lessons, pilots them to safety.

The plane, at one point, flys between two collapsing skyscrapers- the subtitle "9/11" practically appears on the screen.

Some People In The Audience: Aw, too soon.

Everyone Else: Shh, explody things!


The Cruise Ship

You remember. With the old Jazz guys? They finish a very timely song about the end of the world and Black Jazz Guy gets a phone call.

Black Jazz Guy: Adrian!

Helmsley: Dad- it's all happening now. Where is the ship heading?

Black Jazz Guy: Don't worry about me son. I'm old. You should look out for what's important on your end.

Helmsley: Well...the President's daughter is pretty hot.

Black Jazz Guy: That's my boy!


Yellowstone

Jackson and co. land at a conveniently deserted place to refuel. Jackson (and Moppet-Daughter) go to find Crazy Woody Harrelson, who spoke of a map to the "big ships" before. They find him standing on a clifftop, spouting the cuh-razy.

Crazy Woody Harrelson: I was right all along! I hope you've all made peace with your herbal remedies and electric cars! Buddha has a ghost-penis, and it lives in your cereal-

Jackson: Hey, nutso! Where's the map?

Crazy Woody Harrelson: On the shelf labeled "MAPS," duh. (chews popcorn) You wanna pull up a seat for this, too?

Jackson: A seat for what?

Yellowstone: ::MUSHROOM-CLOUDS ITSELF::

Yet more madcap craziness follows in which Jackson finds the map, outruns flaming mountain debri in an RV, and nearly falls through a fissure INTO THE EYE OF SAURON BELOW. Finally, he and Moppet-Daughter make it back just in time for Narrow Plane Escape II: The Squeakuel.


Washington, D.C.

Helmsley: Look at the news, sir! South America has been devastated by earthquakes.

Anheuser: ... We're not going to cut there? Huh. Must not have any important landmarks.

Helmsley: Sir, when are we going to tell the public about this?

Anheuser: You want to tell everyone they're doomed? There'd be anarchy! Not the calm, measured collapsing of society there is already. We have to board the ships first.


Air Force One

Helmsley: The President's not coming.

Anheuser: How noble. The VP's chopper went down, too. You want some peanuts?

Helmsley: But the Speaker Of The House is now-

Anheuser: Never liked the guy. Buckle in- the in-flight movie is License to Wed.

Helmsley: This is madness! Next you'll be telling me we've been killing people to keep this whole ship plan quiet!

Anheuser: ... Awk-ward.


Vegas Airport

Jackson's indestructible byplane lands on a chaos-filled tarmac. Yuri and co. are all there as Sasha (Russian Pilot Guy) explains that the plane is shot, in measured, technical Russian.

Sasha: There is plane we can take, but I need co-pilot.

Jackson: Gordon's a pilot! A great one!

Gordon: Stop saying that! I'm just a douchey plastic surgeon.

In short order, they commandeer a much bigger plane and pull off Narrow Plane Escape III: With A Vengeance., just in front of the dust cloud coming in from Yellowstone. Vegas crumbles like a modern-day Gomorrah. They head to China, where The Map says The Big Ships are.


China

A Young Monk talks to an Old Monk, in a mountaintop temple.

Young Monk: So can I have your truck? My brother is that one Welder, and he can sneak our whole family onto one of those Big Ships.

Old Monk: (pours tea into a cup until it overflows) Your mind is like this cup. Full of opinions and speculation. Too see the path of wisdom, you must first empty it.

Young Monk: So that's a...yes?


On The Way To China

Jackson: I can't believe you paid for seats. Life is strange, huh?

Yuri: ::QUIET, INTROSPECTIVE RUSSIAN

Jackson: Uh, yeah, sure.

Sasha: Hokay, we refuel in Hawaii real quick here.

Hawaii: ::IS ON FIRE::

Sasha: Is not good. We'll have to make a water landing after fuel is gone.

Gordon: Least we won't need the landing gear. It blew off in Vegas.

Audience: Then how were you going to refuel?!?

No One: ::ADRESSES THIS AT ALL::


Air Force One

Helmsley: So, did you hear from your father? Do you need any.. comfort?

First Daughter: Yeah, he gave me the full Bruce Willis on the phone. And now you tell me I've been colluding in murder! Poor Roland.

Helmsely: It's not so bad. You preserved great works. And I even have this random Jackson Curtis guy's book in my satchel- everyone had a chance to be remembered, see?

First Daughter: I don't really follow your logic.


White Jazz Guys calls his estranged son, but Earthquakes have little patience for reconcialation and destroy the son's building instead. Aw. Also in D.C. the President tries ineffectually to find a girl's missing father- Earthquakes remain unmoved and trash the city.


The Vatican floods, and we see a crack split the ceiling of the Sistine chapel starting right in between God and Adam's fingers, AS IF UNDOING THE ACT OF CREATION ITSELF. It continues to be Go Time: the Cruise ship, Jazz guys with it, upends in a giant Tsunami.


Meanwhile, in D.C. once more, the President has somehow survived the dust wave and Earthquake, only to see a wave-born Aircraft carrier bearing down on him.


Back On The Plane

Note: This plane has a bunch of cars in it. Jackson and Kate sit in one and talk.

Jackson: Do you love him?

Kate: I love him enough.

Jackson: So if he were to tragically and unpredictably die-

Sasha: Engine failure! Lifevests everyone! We vill hit the water soon.

The Sea: ::IS NOT THERE AT ALL:: It's is all mountains!

Sasha: Don't ask me for plausible scientific reason, but whole world has shifted. We make snow landing now. You all get in car and drop out loading dock, I vill land plane and barely stop before edge of cliff.

This is exactly what happens.

Sasha: Huh. And here I thought I was expend-

The Plane: ::PLUMMETS, EXPLODES::

Tamara: Sasha! You were age-appropriate for me!

Some Chinese arrive in helicopters, and ask to see Boarding Passes. Yuri produces three for himself and sons.

Tamara: But, Yuri!

Yuri:: ::ANGRY, VINDICTIVE RUSSIAN::

Jackson, family, Gordon, and Tamara flag down Young Monk and hitch a ride in the Truck. See? It all comes together.


At The Ships

Many VIPs and Rich Folks arrive. Ark #3 (of 4) is broken and not boarding, to Yuri's FRUSTRATED RUSSIAN chagrin.

Helmsley: (seeing the clientele) You SOLD tickets? What about creating a genetic master race- I mean, repopulating the Earth?

Anheuser: You think giant ships build themselves? Have you seen the economy lately?

Helmsley's phone rings

Dr. Indian Guy: Adrian! I am still waiting for the airlift you promised. There is a giant wave heading from the East. Why didn't you-(BZZZT!)

Helmsley: We never picked up my friend! Now there will be no more Indians! Plus, there's another wave coming we didn't know about, and now we've only got thirty minutes!

Anheuser: My. God. You still get a signal?


A Mountain Pass

The Welder is not happy about the extra party guests to his "Sneaking Aboard A Secret Ship" Soiree.

Kate: Please, at least take my children!

Chinese Grandmother: ::STUBBORN, HUMANE CHINESE::

Welder: Fine, you all come.

Sulky-Son: Why do the ships have anchors?

Jackson: (suddenly knowing this) Because they're not spaceships, son.

They all sneak onto Ark #1 through the Gate mechanism, just as they close.

Helmsley: Good people! We cannot begin mankind's future with an act of cruelty and barbarism! We must save those people from Ark #3! (is further articulate)

Anheuser: Fine, Gawd. Are you sure you weren't supposed to play the President?


A Giant Rube-Goldberg-esque sequence follows in which they reopen the gates while the Chinese family and Jackson's are still inside. This leads to the Welder getting hurt, Yuri falling to his death to save his children, a piece of equipment getting stuck in the works, and the gate to Ark# 1 stopping at a mostly-closed position.

Oh and Gordon, predictably, dies. The old crushed between gears routine, alas.

Kate: Where's Gordon?

Jackson: Honestly, even you can't be surprised.


The tsunami hits, and water begins to enter the ship. This leads to a very Titanicy situation in which compartments begin to seal off. Tamara saves Moppet-Daughter but TRAGICALLY DROWNS HERSELF in doing so. Helmsley and First Daughter rush back to help, but are stuck on one side (with the Moppet-Daughter) with Jackson, Kate, Sulky-Son, and the Chinese family on the other.

Helmsley: (through an intercom) Mr. Curtis this is Adrian Helmsley. We met at Yellowstone.

Jackson: That's great- get us the hell out of here!

Helmsley: We can't. Someone needs to go back and get the thing out of the gears or we'll all die!

Jackson: Fine, I'll do it. Even though I'm such an important published author and stuff.

He swims down to unclog the tube or whatever that fell in there (Gordon's mangled body apparently causes no problems), and succeeds but only with the help of his Sulky-Son, who loves him after all! Hooray!


One Month Later

Moppet-Daughter: Can we go home now, daddy?

Jackson: No, we've got to find a new home out here. But we'll be a family again. Couldn't have planned this better myself.

Kate: Hey! I'm still kinda sad about...was it..Gil?

Helmsley: We've set a course for the Cape of Good Hope. It turns out Africa never flooded at all. It's the only viable land left.

Anheuser: My God. (Anyone playing the "My God" drinking game is now dead) Africa, really? Did the inhabitants survive?

Helmsley: It's possible.

Anheuser: Do you think they'll be pissed we didn't invite them?

Helmsley: (shrugs) You what's crazy, though- my cell phone still works.

END



Other Parodies:

The X-Files: I Want To Believe

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

Crash- Not so much a parody as a recap where I make snide comments about EVERY scene.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: The Next Chapter Begins

Nooo! How can this possible not have terrible and cheesy tags with it? Twilight gave us fun ones like "When you can live forever what do you live for?".

How disapointing.




Actual tagline: Based on the Extraordinary True Story

Et tu, Hallmark-channel-looking inspirational Sandra Bullock movie? Nothing? What is happening this week?




Actual tagline: Something strange is coming to their planet...Us!

OR: Right stuff. Wrong planet.

Saved by over-done children's movies again! Because really all Planet 51 has to sell itself (other than the vocal stylings of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) is it's premise, where an astronaut lands on a Planet where the stereotypically green aliens all A) speak English and B) all live in an eerie facsimile of 50s-era American suburbia. So the taglines really need to send home the point.

Guess what? We're going to take a weekly look at the reviews by Entertainment Weekly's increasingly befuddled and impossible to predict movie critic, Owen Glieberman. Recently, he gave A Christmas Carol an A while giving The Men Who Stare At Goats an F, though both films received middle-of-the-road reviews.

Fantastic Mr. Fox: A

OG claims to be "not a big fan of Anderson's work," but that the clay-mation medium was exactly what he needed to stomach the "virtuoso tomfoolery" and "arch self-possession" in all of the director's films. He sums it up thusly:

"Before, he twisted reality into a permanent ironic pose. Now, in the infectiously primitive talking-animal world of Fantastic Mr. Fox, he's become an ironic realist."

Points for the construction, Gliebs, but I really don't see how one who twists reality into an ironic pose isn't already an ironic realist.

Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire: A

He loves this one as much as everyone else, but I present the following passage about Mo'Nique's character:

"Her Mary is raging and defeated, a woman who treats Precious as a slave — and I don't use the word lightly, since part of the film's power is its perception that these two are living out patterns of cruelty that go back for generations. Their agony has roots."

It has ROOTS, get it? Like the show? Those italics are all original Glieberman, by the way. He also pontificates near the end: "Precious is a film that makes you think, 'There but for the grace of God go I.'" Somehow I doubt that young Owen, reviewing movies in the student rag at Ann Arbor Pioneer High School, was just a little bit of God's grace away from being exploited for welfare benefits by his parents.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

2012 has such a rich amount of ridiculous tags, we're going to handle them one by one.

Actual tagline: We Were Warned. (Alternate version: Mankind's earliest civilization warned us this day would come...)

I wonder what people did before the internet? Did they just vaguely wonder if disaster films were full of baloney but just sort of shrug and move on? Casual research reveals that the Mayans, who were not the earliest civilization by any reasonable measure, had a calendar much different than our own that reaches the end of its thirteenth "baktun" (around 394 years) on December 21st (or 23rd), 2012.

That's it. Occasional historical conjecture arises that claims some Mayans thought there'd be some doom, but it's mostly just a common misconception, turned into a $200 Million budget.

OR: Who will be left behind?

Judging by the wanton destruction and seeming intent to flee in spaceships in the trailer, no one at all. Or is this a thinly veiled rapture reference?

OR: The end is just the beginning.

Indeed, because the Mayan calendar is cyclical- meaning nothing will happen at all?

OR: First, the Mayan calendar predicted it...Now, science has confirmed it...but we never imagined it could really happen.

Okay- granting that in the film whatever they call "science" confirms the impending disaster: at that point, they still "never imagined" it would happen? What else would it take?




Actual tagline: On air. Off shore. Out of control.

OR: 1 Boat. 8 DJs. No Morals.

These taglines do no bother me, well done, et cetera, but WHY did we need the title changed for American audiences? Are we that dumb? This used to be called The Boat That Rocked, as you can see from the poster, but that was too many words for us Yankees.

It's a radio station on a boat! It's not that crazy that we can't take a little wordplay. Why not just give it the full treatment and call it Radio Station On A Boat, and then Samuel L. Jackson can cameo, and so on.




Actual tagline: Life is hard. Life is short. Life is painful. Life is rich. Life is....Precious.

It seems unfortunate to me that this film, which by all accounts is fantastic, had to change its title because it was recently the title of a Chris Pine/Dakota Fanning B Movie.

And can we call a moratorium on the lame ellipses before using a movie title in a tag? You may as well simultaneously be winking at me and nudging me in the ribs while saying the word as if had quotes around it. No subtlety at all.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Season's Greedings

Oh, I see what you did there. Har har. Jim Carrey returns to ruin your holidays with his heavily make-uped ubiquity for another holiday season.




Actual tagline: You Are The Experiment

Is it a medical study? Do I get paid in cash? Is it an experiment to see if I'll go see a film based solely on the fact that The Arcade Fire composed the score?




Actual tagline: No goats. No glory.

I swear the small laugh that escaped the side of my mouth when I read this one was completely involuntary. I'm very serious about my distaste for puns in movie taglines. Completely serious.

Heh. "No goats."




Actual tagline: There are four kinds of alien encounters. The fourth kind is abduction.

Actually, according to Wikipedia, there is a fifth kind of close encounter (basically when they start a-murderin' us human folk.

And the fourth kind can also be referred to as type 3-G. Now you know.