Kinematoscope

And now, after falling asleep during the middle four or five times and having to try again (what? It’s very long), it’s time for 1960’s Spartacus. It has something for everyone- romance, blood, epic battles, political machinations, and crucifixions. Exciting, right? If you have three hours and sixteen minutes to spare, grab a copy and follow along at home!

The Key Players:

Our director is a 30-year-old Stanley Kubrick- after churning out more accessible studio fare for most of the 50’s (most notably Paths Of Glory), Kubrick was brought on to replace Anthony Mann after star and producer Kirk Douglas didn’t like the cut of his jib. This would be Kubrick’s last, reportedly frustrating attempt to cowtow to the demands of a producing studio before embarking upon his twiceish-a-decade schedule of creating masterpieces with complete creative control. This is the first of a whopping EIGHT Kubrick films that we’ll be chit-chatting about on the countdown.

Douglas, meanwhile, has come a long way from his first countdown appearance. Legend has it that he decided to finance Spartacus himself after being passed over for Ben-Hur, in favor of Charlton Heston. A thrice-Oscar-nominated screen legend, Douglas played everything from a brooding Vincent Van Gogh (Lust For Life) to the plucky comic relief in a Disney film (20,000 Leagues Under The Sea) to our titular hero.

Laurence Olivier, one of the Greatest Actors of the Twentieth Century (or so they say), with fourteen Oscar nominations, two wins (for directing 1948’s Hamlet, and a best actor statue for taking his own direction so well), and two honorary little gold men to boot. With twice as many credits on the stage as on screen, he was generally regarded as the foremost authority on interpretations of his homeboy Shakespeare.

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The epic cast is rounded out by all-stars of the day, including Jean Simmons, Charles Laughton, Tony Curtis, and Peter Ustinov (who inexplicably, to this reviewer at least, won Best Supporting Actor for playing a hapless slave trader in this film, becoming the only actor in a Kubrick feature to win one).



The Story:

Spartacus (Douglas), a Thracian slave, is working in some Libyan mines at the film’s beginning. We see him stop to help an older slave that’s fallen, so naturally he’s whipped- but he’s got spirit, this one, and he ends up biting a guard in the leg. (A Roman guard. This is set in that part when the Roman Empire was sort of listlessly controlling everything with just the senate, not an emperor).

Anyway, he gets sold to Batiatus (Ustinov), who takes him to his camp that trains gladiators, where he generally does a whole bunch of silent brooding while I realize how many parts of Ridley Scott’s Gladiator were cribbed directly from this film. Eventually, a rich, powerful Roman senator named Crassus (Olivier) and his friend Glabrus stop by for a visit, and their wives are bored so they choose some gladiators to fight to the death and entertain them- naturally our stoic hero is among them. Spartacus actually loses his battle, but his opponent flips out and tries unsuccessfully to kill Crassus instead of finishing him off.

Now, this whole time Spartacus has been making gaga-eyes at a woman slave named Varinia (Simmons), even holding her hand when she came round to give him some soup. Aw. But when he sees her being taken away since she’s been sold to Crassus, he flips out, kills the head trainer, and the other gladiators join in and overthrow Batiatus’s entire estate. Now there’s an army of trained gladiators looting the countryside and living it up around Vesuvius. Oops.

The scene shifts to Rome, where Crassus’s main political rival, Gracchus (Laughton), manipulates things to get his buddy Caesar (hey, I know that guy!) in temporary command of the Roman Garrison, while Crassus’s teammate Glabrus leads six cohorts to stomp out Spartacus and co. Crassus is pissed about these developments, and also his favorite new boy slave Antonius (Curtis) has escaped, right when he was talking all menacingly yet seductively to him. What’s a crazy warlord to do?

Glabrus, it turns out, is not so up to snuff- the slave army destroys the entire six cohorts, burns their camp, and sends him back tied to a horse. Spartacus, after not talking for the entire first hour of the film, convinces the entire slave army that they need to organize, free and recruit other slaves, and bribe Sicilian Pirates into taking them out of Italy back to their homelands. Also, Varinia’s escaped from Batiatus and the lovers (who’ve hardly actually spoken to one another, really) are happily reunited.

If only the movie ended there…

The Artisticness:

Did I mention before that this movie is long? Always a curse and a blessing for Kubrick, his films are deliberately paced, which certainly gave Olivier and company plenty of time to flesh characters out, but makes for a long movie, especially when we all kind of know how the slave rebellion is going to end- maybe not specifically, but we’re pretty sure they don’t destroy Rome or anything.

The sets and battle-scenes are certainly pretty impressive for the time- this is even after an entire host of battle-footage was cut out of the finished film because it didn’t test well with audiences.

Douglas’s curious and resolved Spartacus is an all right hero, but you kind of wish he had some sort of flaw to round him out (this was apparently also a source of friction between Kubrick and Douglas as well). I loved Olivier’s Crassus, and I sort of found the Roman senate more intriguing than the war aspects.
And the “I am Spartacus!” scene- yeah, it worked for me. Call me a sap.

THE ENDING! THESE ARE SPOILERS! NO, THESE ARE SPOILERS!

Where were we? Oh yeah, the slave army, having grown, destroys an entire legion and makes it to one day’s journey from the very end of Italy- but the Sicilian Pirates have been bought off by Crassus, and they have no where to go, with large armies converging on them from the east and the south.

Spartacus sees that the only viable option is to march on Rome itself, which is exactly what Crassus wants, since the Senate has to basically hand him a dictatorship to get him to lead his legions in defense of the city. It all ends in a big, epic showdown with giant flaming logs rolling down hills and lots of people getting stabbed. The battle’s kind of even until those other two armies show up, and the slaves lose.

Then, of course, the survivors are rounded up and told that they will be allowed to live and sold back into slavery if they just turn over Spartacus to be crucified. But they all claim to be Spartacus. So they ALL GET CRUCIFIED. Wow. Way to go.

Also Crassus buys and tries to woo Varinia because he’s sort of got a Spartacus complex now. Plus he forces Antonius (who had joined the slave army and taught them about poetry and stuff) and Spartacus (who he’s pretty sure is Spartacus, but still is frustratingly unsure about) to fight to the death. Since the winner will be painfully crucified, they both try earnestly to kill the other and spare them, but Spartacus of course “wins.”

Finally Varinia, freed by Gracchus to spite Crassus gets to travel with Batiatus (who’s now anti-Crassus because he had been promised the right to auction off the slave army survivors who instead got crucified) and she gets to see nearly dead Spartacus (and show him his son) on her way out of Rome.

END SPOILERS


Overall: Should It Be Higher, Lower?

Whoo. What a downer. Personally, I still haven’t seen Ben-Hur or Gone With The Wind or many other historical epic type things, so Spartacus is pretty impressive to me as a technical achievement, and the cast is winning enough to stick out the run-time. So, higher-ish.

The Legacy:

Well, it’s somehow the only Golden Globe Best Picture, Drama winner to not be nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars, but it won four of ‘em anyway (Ustinov, Art Direction, Costumes, and Cinematography).

Plus the famous scene gets parodied all the time, including a soullessly annoying Pepsi commercial from 2005. Please see a whole list of parodies and homages here (but be warned, TV tropes is a hellish time-vortex that will destroy your brain).

The Best Video Of It On YouTube:

Whole thing starting here (it had to be split into 18 parts!), or you know, the Scene of Scenes:



I bet a lot of dudes in Hollywood at the time said they were extras in that scene. “You know that eighth dude that’s all like ‘I’m Spartacus!’? That was me.”

Leftover Thoughts:

-It’s not as prevalent as his later work, but you can still see Kubrick being Kubrick from time to time in the film. Like when Spartacus drowns his trainer in a giant pot of soup, we get to watch the entire 45 seconds of it in one long take.

-Oh yeah, this is the verbatim voice-over narration that opens the film: “In the last century before the birth of the new faith called Christianity, which was destined to overthrow the pagan tyranny of Rome and bring about a new society…” ‘Cause we all know Christianity turned out to be infallibly awesome, at all times.

We interrupt regular programming to bring you a trailer, a trailer that made my jaw hang in slack astonishment due to sheer awesomeness.

To review, what kind of films do I love? One: science fiction films. Two: films that star Sam Rockwell. Three: films with a great score. Four: films that look artfully done that were well received at Sundance.

What I told you there was a film starring Sam Rockwell about a man all alone on a mining base on the moon, scored by Clint Mansell (of Requiem For A Dream fame) that basically looks like Primer but with a bigger budget and better acting?

I mean, not only does it star Sam Rockwell, his name is BEFORE the title! That's how much it stars Sam Rockwell. I just, I can't even begin to, OMG just watch the trailer:



Other things that are awesome: There is a robot with the voice of Kevin Spacey. Yeah. Sam Rockwell mysteriously finds a duplicate of himself- THERE ARE TWO SAM ROCKWELLS. Visually, it looks a lot like the movie Sunshine but with the moon instead of the sun, and I loved Sunshine visually. It is directed by a first-time director named Duncan Jones, which is the name of a dude I met two weeks ago and also my first name. Sam Rockwell's character is named Sam.

I think I might watch this trailer a flobbity-jillion more times. Moon will be in limited theaters on June 12th (and probably in Milwaukee in July or something, although if you don't think I'd drive to Chicago to see it sooner than that you're clearly a fictional person who didn't just read the above hyperventilating with awesomeness).

That is all.

Mini reviews of all the 2009 movies I’ve seen so far, in reverse order:

Adventureland



What I Liked: First of all, Adventureland was filmed in Pittsburgh, PA (where I grew up) and parts of the fictional amusement park "Adventureland" were filmed at real-life amusement park Kennywood (where I went growing up and is the awesomest place EVER), so I felt warmly nostalgic already. The movie has a great naturalistic feel to it, a la Dazed And Confused, tracing its central characters while letting the others wander through the fringes (as opposed to presenting them one a time like “Here’s this guy! He’s the wacky dude who always plays the air drums! Yeah!”). And I admired the work of pretty much the whole cast (Eisenberg, Stewart, Staar, Reynolds, you name ‘em. Even Wiig and Hader scaled it back nicely).

What I Didn’t Like: Well, it’s hard to tell any coming of age story ever without treading familiar territory, I guess.

The Verdict: Three Stars- Kennywood! It’s a magic factory where dreams are made!

Duplicity



What I Liked: Clive Owen sort of gets to play the James Bond type he never got cast for, and Julia Roberts didn’t bother me as much as I predicted she would (what? I just don’t buy her as a femme fatale. Sorry). Tom Wilkinson and Paul Giamatti (who gets “and” credit, ooh) have fun as loudmouth CEOs. The plot is reasonably twisty.

What I Didn’t Like: It’s fun and all, but you just spend the entire movie waiting for the big reveal, to see who’s been playing who. And while I can’t say I called all the shots on what would happen, I can’t imagine needing to watch it ever again. Tony Gilroy seemed like an auteur capable of visual restraint with Michael Clayton, but he gets bogged down in Ocean’s style musical scene cues in Duplicity- the movie’s pretty proud of itself for being as inconsequential as it is, you could say.

The Verdict: Two and a Half Stars- what the hell, the dialogue is snappy and the movie passes quickly. I’d just rather see Gilroy get serious again for his next feature.

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I Love You, Man



What I Liked: Paul Rudd, after playing wise-ass supporting parts, nails a sort of over-eager awkwardness endemic to any new friendship. Jason Segel is just awesome in anything. The name “Lou Ferrigno” is always funny to say. Rashida Jones got third billing, good for her.

What I Didn’t Like: Meh. The whole storyline sort of followed a bunch of movie clichés, but with a best friend in place of a girlfriend, as in “Boy meets friend, boy loses friend, boy regains friend.” But there were a surprisingly lack of gay-panic jokes, so kudos.

Verdict: Two And A Half Stars

Watchmen



What I Liked: The opening montage is pretty much awesome. Jackie Earle Haley for Best Supporting Actor? Billy Crudup and Harry Dean Stanton were also well-cast. It was of course fun to see so many panels recreated exactly on the screen, and so many moments (“I’m not locked in here with you…”). The story mostly survived intact, and the new ending didn’t bother me.

What I Didn’t Like: Malin Akerman was a cinematic black hole (in addition to her character getting rewritten into a mental patient). Most of the soundtrack cues were obtrusive and/or ridiculous. Zack Snyder gets WAY too much of a hard-on for limb-snapping violence. Matthew Goode was terribly miscast and Patrick Wilson had little time to be anything other than milquetoast. The love scene. Carla Guigino acting like she was in a Tennessee Williams play. The tenement fire-scene getting way overblown. I could keep going for a while- the thing is, I liked it okay the first time, enough to see it twice, but the second time through the negatives really started to wear on me (more than the positives grew on me).

Verdict: Two Stars- A for effort, but the spirit got lost somewhere. And it’s not because, like Alan Moore, I think it’s impossible to tell Watchmen in movie form. It’s just that Zack Snyder seemed to like Watchmen for its grisly violence and Dan Gibbons’ art (really?) instead of, you know, themes of Cold-War paranoia and psychological complexity, which is why everyone else IN THE WORLD likes it so much.

Coraline (3D)



What I Liked: Uh, how about everything? The 3D added to the story, Dakota Fanning’s voice didn’t drive me up the wall for once, the textures and detail in Selick’s claymation are always indelible. There was a short song by one the They Might Be Giants guys! The father was voiced by John Hodgman and the upstairs neighbor by Ian McShane! After the likeable but not terribly Gaimanish Stardust, Coraline completely nails the source material, departing only to flesh the story to feature length.

What I Didn’t Like: Uh, how about you not going to see it? Seriously, what’s your deal?

Verdict: Four Stars- It’s looking like an honest cage match (or dance-off) between Coraline and Up for the Best Animated Feature statue come Oscar-time.

Taken



What I Liked: Taken doesn’t feel the need to waste time. There’s maybe ten minutes or so of Liam Neeson’s former spook taking some part time work as a security guard and reluctantly agree to let his daughter take a trip to Paris before she’s kidnapped (while on the phone with him OMG) and he sets out to kick ass. And seventy minutes of ass-kicking ensue. What else do you need?

What I Didn’t Like: Uh, not much, really. I didn’t exactly pay (cough) for my ticket (cough) to see Taken, so I have no interest in harping on thin characters and nonsensical Paris law-enforcement logistics. There was ass, it was kicked.

Verdict: Two and Half Stars- delivers exactly what the trailer promises, with an extra half star for Neeson’s admirable badassery.

Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans



What I Liked: Sometimes you just gotta watch things that don’t take themselves too seriously. Or maybe things that take themselves so seriously that it’s funny- I can’t decide which one the Underworld prequel was. A friend of mine wanted to see it to complete the Underworld “trilogy,” so we went, and what I can I say- some werewolves fought some vampires, everybody came out a winner.

What I Didn’t Like: Not having seen the other two films, I figured I be okay since this all happened before those things occurred, but Rise Of The Lycans didn’t expect any non-fans to be interested whatsoever, and thus didn’t really bother explaining the particulars of the vampire/werewolf mythos in its world- thus I spent a good portion of the film asking Jacob annoying questions like “how come those vampire foot soldiers are incapacitated after one blow?” or “Can the werewolves change anytime, or does it have to be a full moon?”

What I Took Away: Respect for Michael Sheen, who was ripping out throats as the head werewolf in front of me while nebbishly interviewing Richard Nixon in the next theater over in Frost/Nixon. That’s an Oscar season juxtaposition nearly on par with Eddie Murphy in Dreamgirls/Norbit.

The Verdict: Two Stars- again, delivers exactly what you expect, not particularly memorable.

All in all, two films with three stars or higher is like a crazy winning streak for this third of the year. Could 2009 be as stacked as '07?

Hey there, people. Do you ever feel like life is too slow? That people around you should just knock it off with the carefully considered responses and the staring at the Wendy’s menu like zombies and just keep up with you already?

Then you’ll love His Girl Friday, the crackling, rapid-fire, rollicking screwball masterpiece that I was looking for on this countdown all along. I thought, given my propensity for the dialogue of Aaron Sorkin, that the tradition had been sort of talked-up as quicker than it actually was- maybe it was just relatively fast for people’s attention spans back then. And after enjoying movies that were reasonably snappy like Arsenic And Old Lace and The Philadelphia Story, I was beginning to believe that was true.

But His Girl Friday is a solid 92 minutes of breathless banter, and reinforces something we’ve learned once already: don’t divorce Cary Grant, because he will always trick you into remarrying him.

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The Key Players:

Howard Hawks, director of Bringing Up Baby and Scarface (1932 version, yo), pioneered the naturalistic style of dialogue we all love so much today. He’s like Tarantino’s grandfater, essentially. Hawks only received one Oscar nomination (for directing Sergeant York), but did get an honorary statuette in 1975.

Cary Grant. You know him.

Rosalind Russell was cast after some eight other actresses had turned down the role (including Katherine Hepburn, Claudette Colbert, and Ginger Rogers). A four-time Oscar nominee (and Hersholt Humanitarian recipient), five time Golden Globe winner, and Tony Award winner, it’s impossible to imagine anyone else in her most famous role.



The Story:

Grant plays Walter Burns, a newspaper editor whose ex-wife and best reporter Hildy Johnson (Russell) has stopped by to inform him she’s quitting to marry some sheepish nice guy (yeah, that’ll last). But mayhem ensues when a murderer about to be hanged escapes, leading to a whole madcap situation in which corrupt politicians are exposed, Hildy’s fiancee gets arrested several times in comical scenarios, and old feelings are re-ignited.

Is the plot terribly important? No. But here’s some quotes:

-“I like him; he's got a lot of charm.” 
“Well he comes by it naturally- his grandfather was a snake.

-“Who, me?“
“Yes, you and that albino of yours!” 
“You talkin' about Evangeline?” 
“None other!” 
“She ain't no albino.” 
“She'll do 'till one comes along!” 
“She was born right here in this country!”

-“Hey, Duffy, listen. Is there any way we can stop the 4:00 train to Albany from leaving town?” 
“… we might dynamite it. 
“Could we?” 

The Artisticness:

Aaaand more quotes:

-“ Well, Albany's a mighty good insurance town. Most people there take it out pretty early in life.“
“Yeah, well I can see why they would.”
“I figure I'm in one business that really helps people. Of course, we don't help you much while you're alive, but afterward - that's what counts!”

“No, no, never mind the Chinese earthquake for heaven's sake...Look, I don't care if there's a million dead...No, no, junk the Polish Corridor...Take all those Miss America pictures off Page Six...Take Hitler and stick him on the funny page...No, no, leave the rooster story alone - that's human interest.”

THE ENDING! THE SNAPPIEST SPOILERS THAT EVER SPOILED IN SPOILTOWN!

Guess what? They get the big story, and get back together. Who’dve thunk it?

Once again, gender roles are pretty antiquated- it’s good to know that if I want to win an ex back the day before she gets married, I might stand a chance if I set up her fiancee to get arrested three separate times. (Also not helping? Whoever decided to make the tagline “She learned about men from him!” What the hell is that?)

END SPOILERS


Overall: Should It Be Higher, Lower?

Well, I loved it, and I’m super stoked to watch Bringing Up Baby sometime (though it is not awaiting us on the 250, alas). Higher!

The Legacy:

Well, despite being an adaptation of a stage play itself, His Girl Friday was later adapted for the stage, in addition to the usual AFI list inclusion and so forth. I can’t say I recognized many lines from out there in the pop culture ether (unlike say, watching Casablanca for the first time), but that’s probably because they fly by too quickly, and they speak over one another so much.

The Best Video Of It On YouTube

Well, forget YouTube for once! You can watch the entire thing on hulu.com here. Hulu is pretty awesome.

Leftover Thoughts:

Interestingly (at least to me, because I used to have a job in a copyright setting) His Girl Friday’s copyright wasn’t renewed and has fallen into the public domain, but the play it was based on (1928’s The Front Page) is copyrighted until 2024. This means the only things really PD are the portions of the film not based on the original play, which is to say most of the Grant/Russell stuff about having been married and all (since in the play “Hildy” was, you know, a guy). There was also a straight-up adaptation of the play with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau directed by Billy Wilder in 1974 that will not be appearing on this countdown.

Hey, sorry for the delay here at Kinematoscope. You see, I’m writing a novel. But since you can only write 33,000 words before your mind starts to implode, apparently, I’m coming back here to move us one further in the countdown.

Today, 2003’s Big Fish, a movie I saw most of in theaters at the time (I showed up late). Questions which may or may not be answered in this post- will Billy Crudup ever be more than a “Hey It’s That Guy!” level actor? Is it possible for Tim Burton to be predictably sanitary? Speaking of Tim Burton, does Helena Bonham Carter really need to be cast in everything he does? At a certain point, you have to think she’s taking other people’s jobs away.

Big Fish is a test case in a lot of ways, for your patience for storytellers of a certain variety (spoiler- I love it, but I’m a storyteller, see: novel-writing aspirations). Are you more likely to roll your eyes or crinkle them in a smile at tall tales, or does it depend on the company? Keep reading to see what I mean.

The Key Players:

Tim Burton, whimsical director of rock star level name recognition (and rock star hair, for that matter), has given us plenty of modern cult and critical favorites, many of them starring Johnny Depp (Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Sleepy Hollow, Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd) and many of them starring people that aren’t Johnny Depp (Batman, Batman Returns, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, Mars Attacks!, and Big Fish). The only Tim Burton film I’ve ever been disappointed by is his regrettably scatterbrained remake of Planet Of The Apes, especially now that I’ve seen the original.

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Billy Crudup stars, one of my favorite actors, and a dedicated chameleon along the lines of your Christian Bales of the world, just waiting to break into the bigtime. He pops up in the oddest roles and the oddest places, and it wasn’t until watching Big Fish I realized I love him in each one: he voices a character in Princess Monoke, perhaps my faovrite Miyazaki anime, he disappears into the role of a Shakespearian era transvestite actor in Stage Beauty, and he plays a tempermental rocker to perfection in Almost Famous. He might finally be a name that lots of people know with roles in two potential blockbusters this year- Watchmen (as the blue guy) and Public Enemies (as J. Edgar Hoover, another transvestite).

Albert Finney and Ewan McGregor play different parts of the role that’s the soul of the film. Finney has lost an Oscar five separate times, most recently for Erin Brockovich, and always brings the same deep voice and sleepy gravitas to his roles. McGregor is of course the biggest star present, and has split his career nearly equally between beloved artful projects (like Danny Boyle’s Trainspotting, or Moulin Rouge) and behemoth crowd pleasers (The Star Wars prequels, or the upcoming Angels & Demons).

The story is rounded out by a loaded cast, including Jessica Lange, Bonham Carter, Steve Buscemi, Alison Lohman, Marion Cotillard, Danny Devito and even the guy that played Isaac on Sports Night (and the dude that played Roy on The Office). How’s that for a key players list? Probably the most crowded one ever.



The Story:

Crudup plays a man who’s father (Finney) is dying. He goes home to be with him, but spends the entire film wondering who his father really is, and trying to reconcile the fantastic stories that Finney tells with who the real man might be.

We then spend most of Big Fish flashing back to Finney’s version of his life story, in which he’s portrayed by a child actor and then McGregor and navigates a colorful world of witches, giants, werewolves, conjoined twins mixed with elements of his actually biography, like his son’s birth and his time at war in Korea.

The story within the story is remarkably complete for something that’s presented as a collection of anecdotes his father tells, but the point is that Finney has repeated them over and over until they form one tale, a nearly cyclical life story that he’s nearing the end of. But will father and son find the peace they’ve been missing?

The Artisticness:

Big Fish isn’t terribly subtle about telegraphing the question of where the storyteller ends and the story begins. But since that’s a theme that pretty obviously appeals to me anyway, I’m more than willing to let the Hallmark movie sort of antagnism between Finney and Crudup slide, especially the second time through.

If anything, the only problem I would list with Big Fish’s fantasy sequences is that they seem almost… affably familiar. It’s somewhat a product of the nature of Finney’s character, but the fairy tales are all a mixture of unique moments like the titular motif of fish that can appear like people in the moonlight and worn through elements of every other story ever.

But that’s not a big deal when the tales are told with McGregor’s winning bravado, or in Finney’s bass tone. My favorite story told is one that’s not even depicted: in one scene Crudup leading up to a point, says: “You know about icebergs, dad?” and Finney jumps in: “Do I? I saw an iceberg once. They were hauling it down to Texas for drinking water. They didn't count on there being an elephant frozen inside. The wooly kind. A mammoth.”

The visuals are much more colorful and bright a palette than you’d expect from Tim Burton, to be honest, but that doesn’t mean the film isn’t fun to watch. It’s just sunnier than say, Sweeney Todd, or even his update of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, surprisingly.

THE ENDING! I ONCE SAW A SPOILER THAT WAS SO LARGE IN BREADTH AND COMPLEXITY THAT IT SPOILED THE ENDING TO THE ENTIRE TIME 100 BEST WORKS OF LITERATURE LIST!

The end, for some reason, seemed contrived when I watched it the first time, but hits me the more I watch it. Finney stubbornly refuses to admit that he’s telling anything but the truth, and Crudup discovers that not every element of his father’s biography is fabricated.

All along, Finney has claimed to know exactly what the moment of his death will be (claiming to have seen it in the eye of a witch as a child). But Finney has a stroke, and it’s up to his son, sitting as his bedside in the hospital, to tell him what it will be like, and in an abrupt reversal of character he emotionally tells Finney that he’s going to rush him to the river, and amidst a joyous send-off from all of the story’s members on the riverbank, he’ll drop him into the river where he’ll become a big fish, since he was always a big fish in a small pond.

Now, thirty seconds before this scene, Crudup’s character had finally heard the real, boring story of the night of his birth (Finney’s had involved fighting a giant catfish to get his wedding ring back), and declared that he liked the real life story better, even if it’s less interesting. So I still don’t really buy it.

But ultimately, I’d rather see the storyteller stubbornly win over the pragmatist anyway, so I like the ending with each repeat viewing. Plus, that’s how I’d wanna go, too.

END SPOILERS



Overall: Should It Be Higher, Lower?

Higher for me- I think that’s clear. I’m a firm believer in movies as escapism, and there’s no greater escapism than fairy tales.

The Legacy:

Let’s see: Danny Elfman’s original score garnered the lone Oscar nomination-I didn’t really take note of it, to be honest, but that’s probably because Elfman & Burton are like peanut butter & jelly at this point- still delicious, but it doesn’t occur to you to even think of different ingredients. The film and Finney also received Golden Globe nominations in the “Musical Or Comedy” categories, along with Elfman and an original song by Eddie Vedder.

Critical reception was largely positive- we’ll see how it ages. Most people I talk to seem to like it, but not love it in a crazy way. I almost think that if it wasn’t directed by a man known mostly for much more grandiose and specifically bizarre fantasies (maybe if earlier attached directors had stayed on, like Steven Spielberg or Stephen Daldry), that Big Fish would be more of a cult favorite than it is.

The Best Video Of It On YouTube:

After years of putting up a cynical, jokey front of wiseassery, I'm coming close to asking my friends for their reaction to my novel manuscript which is nothing but earnest romanticism (but in a dystopian future of sorts) in a lot of ways. So with nothing left to hide, let's go with when McGregor sees the girl of his dreams (Lohman) and time itself freezes:



Leftover Thoughts:

I also have a mini-collection of American folklore for a novel I want to write someday. So the odds were stacked in Big Fish’s favor from the start.

Guy that played Roy in The Office (David Denman) also plays a douchey boyfriend in Big Fish. I hope he doesn’t keep getting typecast.

Google Image searching for the poster and a still of the movie inadvertently confirmed that catfish can get that big, apparently. And that Reel Big Fish is still together, even though ska is dead.

A three part look at the year ahead, now that the Oscar have happened. Today: January to April!



The Only Movie This Year You Should Have Seen Aleady: Coraline

We all know January and February are dead months at the multiplexes. The only film worth your money so far has been Henry Selick’s masterpiece Coraline- it’s like The Nightmare Before Christmas without songs (except for one fun piano tune from one of the They Might Be Giants dudes), but more colorful, technically flawless, and with actual creepy moments.

If you can make it to a 3D showing, it’s well worth the extra $2 to rent the glasses- it’s the first film I’ve seen to use 3D as a way to enhance the storytelling instead of a “aaah! things in your face!” gimmick. Plus, it does a wonderful job of adapting a novella by my favorite author of all time, Neil Gaiman (I’m in a facebook group called “I may or may not be stalking Neil Gaiman.” Seriously, he lives in Wisconsin, too! I could have a sleeping bag outside of his house by tomorrow!).

The Weekend of February 27th: Nothing!

It’s a slow time. You can either go see the Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience, even though it might be a sign of the apocalypse, or Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun Li, because if there’s one film that needed a spin-off/sequel/whatever, it’s the 1994 Jean Claude Van-Damme vehicle Street Fighter.

You know what you should do instead? Rent The Fall!



The Weekend of March 6th: Watchmen

I don’t think, after The Dark Knight’s stigma-busting success, there’s an excuse not to go see what looks to be an as-faithful as possible adaptation of Alan Moore’s graphic novel Watchmen. It’s one of the best 100 works of literature of the last century. There are midnight showings. Get out of your house.

Unless you just don’t like movies. Or violence. Or blue people.

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The Weekend of March 13th: Nothing II: The Quickening!

Seriously, March is a wasteland. Will your life be improved in any way by watching Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the remake of Race To Witch Mountain? Perhaps it will help you realize every moment we spend on this earth is precious, and not to waste a single one.

Or you could see another remake, of Wes Craven’s The Last House On The Left, and learn that humans are nothing but annalistic savages that torture one another in an endless cycle of blood. Or you could read a book, or something.



The Weekend of March 20th: I Love You, Man

There is one reason to see I Love You, Man, and it isn’t the dubious track record of Director John Hamburg and screenwriter Larry Levin- its cast is a veritable comedian highlight reel, lead off by the trio of Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, and Rashida Jones (who I miss on The Office). Small parts by Andy Samberg, Aziz Ansari, Nick Kroll, Joe Lo Truglio, Jane Curtin, and Lou Ferrigno (not a comedian, but come on- Lou Ferrigno!) promise to make it a worthwhile trip.

Let the record show that this weekend Nicolas Continues his war against good movies with Know1ng, and Tony Gilroy follows up Michael Clayton with Duplicity, which I’d be excited about if not for the questionable casting of Julia Roberts as a femme fatale. We’ll see how that one plays out on RT first, thank you.

The Weekend of March 27th: Adventureland

Greg Mottola, fresh off the hit Superbad, decided to go for the mulligan and essentially make it again with his next film. Jesse Eisenberg takes over the Michael Cera nervous guy role as a recent college grad putting his dues in at an amusement park.

Monsters Vs. Aliens might be passable entertainment as well, if only for the 3D novelty and the voice of Seth Rogen as a blue blob.

The Weekend of April 3rd: Nothing With A Vengeance!

Although I bet, if you asked him nicely, Dave would save a seat for you when he lines up for the first screening of Fast & Furious.



The Weekend of April 10th: Observe And Report

Based on the trailer, it looks like Paul Blart: Mall Cop for people with brains. Maybe wait for review, but has Rogen steered us wrong so far?

Alternate options include Hannah Montanna: The Movie (because remember, normal girls are brunettes but rock stars are blondes) and Dragonball: Evolution (or as I like to call it, Speed Racer 2: Electric Boogaloo).

The Weekend of April 17th: Maybe State Of Play?

It looks like it could be good. If you’ve got nothing else going on, give it a shot. Plus there’s Crank 2: High Voltage, which is so Least Common Denominator is almost ironically highbrow.

The Weekend of April 24th: The Soloist

I know, it was delayed, so it must be bad, right? But RDJ in the trailer hooks me, as does that one bit of Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 that you hear everywhere. Or if you like to look at Beyonce without hearing her sing, go see Obsessed, where she tries on her “acting face.”

And so wraps the pre-summer preview. For the record, that’s pretty only one movie I’ll definitely see in theaters (Watchmen). But a few more to catch up on, at least.

(answers: Yes, it is; they're only in Bond movies now; and because I'm slightly crazy.)

The Key Players:

Our director, Norman Jewison, a long-storied director and producer of everything from Cold War satire (The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming) and an adaptation of Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar to racially charged dramas like 1999’s The Hurricane and today’s subject, for which he was a Best Director nominee. He’s also a regular source of inspiration for modern unnecessary remakes, as he directed the original Thomas Crown Affair and the thriller Rollerball, and you know what they say about imitation.

Poitier, of course, is the Jackie Robinson of the Oscars, winning a statue for Lillies Of The Field, and with two other successful 1967 films (To Sir, With Love and Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner), the top box-office star of the year- and keep in mind this is when Will Smith was negative one year old. Sharing the screen is Rod Steiger in an Oscar winning role. Steiger appeared in over 100 films, garnering Oscar nominations in On The Waterfront and The Pawnbroker and putting in a memorable turn in Doctor Zhivago.

In a fun turn of top 250 countdown synergy, In The Heat Of The Night was edited by Hal Ashby (director of #249), and scored by Quincy Jones (who also scored #247- which also had Scott Wilson in it, who has a minor part in Heat).



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The Story:

A bumbling Barney Fife type policeman in the sleep small town of Sparta, MS, stumbles upon a body on his night patrol- the local police chief (Steiger), an abrasive Southern SOB if there ever was one, is quick to point the finger at a black man (Poitier) picked up waiting for a 4:05 AM train out of town at the local station.

Stieger quickly discovers he’s accused not just a police detective from Philadelphia, but that city’s pre-eminent homicide expert- he grudgingly asks Poitier to help investigate the murder, since the victim is a businessman who was in the process of creating a factory vital to the town’s future.

After Poitier proves the first suspect that Steiger brings in to be clearly innocent (when Steiger and all the cops had been happy enough to just assume guilt and call it a day), the victim’s widow insists Poitier lead the investigation- an uneasy working alliance forms between our principled hero and the heavily prejudiced police chief.

It’s quickly apparent, however, that the case is bigger than it appeared, and that Steiger’s far from the worst kind of bigotry that Poitier will have to face.

The Artisticness:

In The Heat Of The Night begins, somewhat oddly from my perspective, with the song “In The Heat Of The Night” sung by Ray Charles over the credits. The song recurs briefly, during a driving interlude halfway through, and again at the end of the film. It’s a great song and all, but it doesn’t seem to fit with the grimmer mood of the film- though that might be a matter of perspective. The film is brightly lit, most of the time, and visually has more in common with a detective series than a dramatic film.

That might be because the story’s emphasis is on the murder, largely, with the racial strife as a constant undertone- but we don’t meet Poitier until twenty minutes into the film when he’s rounded up by the deputy. But his presence immediately dominates the proceedings- never have I seen anyone act with a steely-eyed glare.

Steiger does a great job, himself, but I certainly can’t see why he gets an Oscar over Poitier. It might be because the whole “good ole boy bigot who realizes there are worse demons than negroes in the world” has been done to death, but I imagine it hadn’t in 1967.

Plus, I don’t know if this was in John Ball’s original novel or not, but good god why did Steiger have to constantly chew gum? And not a lazy, southern laconic gum chewing, but a rapid, nervous, grating habit that made me want to punch a wall. I know that’s a personal thing, but I would seriously have trouble watching this film again because of it. (Another thing I skip- the very end of A Clockwork Orange where Malcolm McDowell is chewing extra loudly- that makes me convulse. Does anyone else have little annoyances that they hate to see portrayed in films?).

Otherwise, I really liked the visual detail of In The Heat Of The Night- it starts with a fly on a calendar, it closes in on Poitier’s hands as he inspects the corpse, or the hands of workers in a cotton field as they drive by.

THE ENDING! SOME CLASSY SPOILERS, SOME RACIST ONES!

The mystery takes some typical twists and turns before Poitier figures out that it was the lanky guy who works in the diner, the first person we actually see on camera. But the real progression is between Steiger and Poitier- Steiger saves him from a mini-lynch mob of four young whites, and they actually sort of open up to one another overnight at Steiger’s house.

When Poitier leaves, Steiger pointedly makes a point of telling him to “take care,” and then they both smile a little too much (I really didn’t buy it completely, I guess I mean to say). But it’s not overdone to the point of a ham-fisted transformation (I’m looking at you, Crash and American History X).

END SPOILERS

Overall: Should It Be Higher, Lower?

I’d almost have to say higher, if I knew more about what lies ahead. I enjoyed not only the mystery, but I’d say it’s worth the price of admission for Poitier alone (way to take a stand, I know. Next week, Citizen Kane was a pretty good film).

The Legacy:

Let’s run it down: Five Oscars (Steiger, Ashby for Editing, Sterling Siliphant for Adapted Screenplay, Best Sound, and Best Picture), NFR preservation, not one but two sequels (the goofily titled They Call Me MISTER Tibbs and The Organization), and it was adapted into a tv series in 1988 with Archie Bunker himself, Carol O’Connor, in the Steiger role.

The Best Video Of It On YouTube

The first confrontation between Poitier and Steiger is rife with tension, and played pretty well by both actors... But oh, the gum chewing.



Leftover Thoughts:

I had been led to expect a much bigger moment for the “They call me Mister Tibbs” line than there actually was, but it’s still a pretty awesome moment.

Quincy Jones, once again, still a really insane choice to score a film. The scene where Steiger chases down a suspect on the Mississippi River bridge had some completely ridiculous music.

Up next on the countdown: Big Fish! That’s a change of pace.

With an entry on 1940’s The Philadelphia Story, we are officially One Tenth of the way through the countdown! Wooo! That list just got decimated, which literally means to reduce something by ten percent. Woo! Word humor!

Anyway, my love of words also translates to a love of screwball comedy, and if you remember months ago I was pretty big on Arsenic and Old Lace. So I was pretty stoked to watch what on all accounts is a classic.

The Key Players:

Our director is George Cukor, an Oscar winner for the much more famous but not on the countdown My Fair Lady. Cukor is also famous for being slow and difficult to work with, at least earlier in his career, leading to his dismissal from projects as famous as The Wizard Of Oz and Gone With The Wind.

He directs three cinema heavies- Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart (whom we’ve seen before), and the late, great Katherine Hepburn. Hepburn, a Hollywood legend whose imdb trivia page is filled with fun facts like “did all her own stunts because the stunt women never stood up straight enough,” is a record-setting four time Lead Actress Oscar winner.


Not a trailer, just a mushy scene with Hepburn & Stewart.

The Story:

Hepburn plays a rich socialite with an iron will, about to get married for a second time after divorcing Cary Grant’s schmoozy business man some years before. Grant, not invited to the wedding but not shy about showing up anyway, makes a deal with a tabloid to smuggle a failed-writer/reporter (Stewart) and a photographer into the ceremony for the scoop.

Hilarity ensues. Pretty simple.

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The Artisticness:

Much like previous countdown 40’s comedy Arsenic and Old Lace, The Philadelphia Story was based on a play, and reflects that to a great degree. There’s not a terrible amount I remember that struck me visually, but it’s quick-witted and sharp.

Hepburn apparently bought the rights to the play and developed the film as a comeback role after a series of flops, and it certainly is a proper showcase for her talent (though somehow I’ve only seen On Golden Pond among her long filmography. Well, at least I’ll get to The African Queen before this is over).

Stewart and Grant both bring the usual cleverness to their roles, quickly pushing Hepburn’s stodgy “man of the people” fiancé to the background and creating a fun little love quadrangle.

As a comedy, The Philadelphia Story is certainly slower-paced than I expected, but the twists and turns happen quickly enough, and the stars are winning enough to keep me interested. Plus, Stewart plays a struggling writer, which always appeals to my sensibilities.

And it’s hard not to fall into rhythm with dialogue like this:

-I suppose I should object to this twosome!
-That would be most objectionable.

-I’m testing the air. I like it, but it doesn’t like me.

-You hardly know him!
-To hardly know him is to know him well.

-I would sell my grandmother for a drink- and you know how I love my grandmother.

THE ENDING! SPOILERS!

For a lead role that she oversaw, and for a well-remembered personality of Hollywood royalty, Hepburn spends a lot of The Philadelphia Story getting pushed around. She drinks, goes for a swim with Stewart’s bumbling character, gets a stern talking to from her father for driving him to infidelity somehow, and eventually, after some chicanery with blackmail, misunderstandings and the like, accepts Grant’s proposal to get remarried- though it seems more like he tricks her into it.

And I’m pretty sure near the beginning someone piches her bottom. But that’s the 40’s for you. Otherwise, it’s pretty harmless fun, and I guess there’s a message about not having a heart of stone in their somewhere.

END SPOILERS


Overall: Should It Be Higher, Lower?

It seems fine where it is, to me. Not my favorite example of old-school comedy (and I’m excited to get to His Girl Friday pretty soon and compare), but I laughed. I’m an easy mark for banter.

The Legacy:

All the good stuff- National Film registry preservation, lists of 100 films and so forth. Jimmy Stewart won Best Actor and the Screenplay Best Adapted at the Oscars the following winter and everything.

It was even adapted into the 1956 musical High Society, which in turn was adapted into a stage musical ten years ago.

The Best Video Of It On YouTube:

One of my favorite scenes, when a drunk Stewart shows up at Grant’s house with an idea to reverse the tabloid-blackmail scheme that they’ve been embroiled in, since they both like Hepburn’s character after all.

-This is where Cinderella gets off- now you hurry back to the ball before you turn into a pumpkin and six white mice.



Leftover Thoughts:

-Champagne is a great levelerer. Leveler- it makes you my equal.
-I wouldn’t quite say that.
-Well, almost my equal.

-What’s wrong?
-Oh nothing, nothing. My head’s just fell off, that’s all.

Actual tagline for this film: Broadway's howling year-run comedy hit of the snooty society beauty who slipped and fell — IN LOVE!   That’s just how they talked back then, I suppose.

6:57 PM CST: Seriously we (I'm watching this year's telecast with my folks) just flipped from Andy Rooney to Barbara Walters. Can we retire people forcibly from tv journalism when they start saying random old grandparent things? Enough is enough already.

6:58: Time for half an hour of red carpet pre-show. Just so you're aware, I don't care who anybody is wearing, even if it's the dead flesh of an actual person.

7:00: Oh, it's pronounced "Tah-Rah-Gee" P. Henson. That's one mystery solved.

7:01: Tim Gunn is worth fifty of the Riverses of the world, but he needs to do better than ask Kate Winslet if she's more worried about "winning or tripping."

7:03: As Dave would say (if he didn't have to work, like a loser), Josh Brolin- luckiest man alive... This other silver-haired guy (henceforth "Other Guy") seems to make people uncomfortable, while Tim Gunn makes people happy (plus I do agree that stripper vs. nun is not a fair fight- meaning Marisa Tomei in the Wrestler vs. Amy Adams in Doubt).

7:09: I care about Valentino dresses? I'm getting something to drink.

7:11: The entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire! The "rags to riches" story of the movie's success is apparently a case of "life imitating art," according to our interviewer lady. Did they all sleep in garbage shanties last night?...Oh, don't talk to Mickey Rourke, good lord. I'm regretting that pick already.

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7:13: Robert Downey, Jr.! Save this red carpet for me! What? Stop talking to his wife! Other Guy is terrible- he didn't set RDJ up for a single quip... I understand that Miley Cyrus can sing, but her speaking voice makes me grind my back teeth together...

7:16: A trailer for Knowing! Nothing says Oscar night like the trailer for Knowing. Or perhaps Antonio Banderas as the Nasonex bee.

7:20: The cheesy montage to accountants just makes me wish Vesper Lynd was carrying that suitcase... Other Guy continues his streak of hardly talking to the nominees themselves, talking over Meryl Streep to ask her daughter questions. Penelope Cruz's dress is sixty years old, so make a note of that.

7:22: Is there are rule that no question can be interesting at all? How do people watch more than half an hour of this stuff? Jack Black to the rescue, sticking it to Other Guy with copious eye-rolling.

7:25: Did Seth Rogen attend the Oscars stag? Why do we need a "sneak peek" at the Oscars at this point? They're five minutes away! Speaking from what I know of music copyright law (former job, long story), this incorporation of multiple movie themes was probably a nightmare to put together.

7:28: And finally, it's done. Two minutes to go time!

7:30: Wow, the set really does look like a huge nightclub- the kind that seats several thousand and a live orchestra.

7:31: RDJ applauds himself during the monologue, awesome. Wait, Hugh Jackman starts with a monologue? But then breaks into a song and dance routine, ah.

7:35: The Button thing is cute, and we'd all like to run off with Anne Hathaway. Actually, after her and Jackman's Frost/Nixon duet, I'd much rather see Anne Hathaway host the Oscars. She was aces on SNL two months ago.

7:38: People are standing and applauding? I liked the medley well enough, but does Hugh Jackman always sing like he has a cold? Now he's sitting in Frank Langella's lap? Can we present an award already? Even a sound one- I'm geeked for all 24.

7:41: I actually kind of like random montages, since they're always more fun to watch than awkward live television, and we get several clips of past winners of the (finally) Supporting Actress award. Come on, Amy Adams! I'm either going to look like a genius or an idiot.

7:43: Uh, why are we dragging this out? Five former winners are delivering speeches on each acting nominee? We enraged Peter Gabriel for this? Could they not get rights to film clips?

7:47: Seventeen minutes in, still no statues handed out...

7:48: Penelope Cruz wins! Damn! "Not an auspicious start," says my mom. Ugh- Cruz is killing me here. At least she thanks Almodovar for making her career. 0 for 1.

7:49: My dad's new tv has subtitles on all the time, and whoever's keeping up with the show just copped out and put [speaking in foreign langauge] when Cruz broke into some rapid Spanish.

7:53: Steve Martin and Tina Fey! Okay, I'm actually sort of digging not knowing the presenters ahead of time. We get a writing award already? Original Screenplay better go to Milk or this night will not go well at all for me.

7:56: Based on the applause-o-meter, Wall-E might steal this... No, it's Dustin Lance Black! I'm batting .500. Black really knows how to get to the point in a speech, by the way, but he is a writer. That speech was a hell of a moment, right there. Right on.

7:58: And Adapted Screenplay! Man, are they going to just rattle off all the techs in a five minute span later? I audibly "booed" The Reader's screenplay, by the way.

8:01: Beaufoy and Slumdog start the process. 2 for 3. He did make me smile with his opening line: "There are few places in the world you can never imagine yourself standing- for me that's the moon, the south pole, the Miss World podium, and here."

8:03: That was a good Dreamworks slam, Jack Black. Can we give Wall-E a statue already? No, it's time for another montage.

8:06: Unexpectedly awesome? The Animation montage is set to Does It Offend You, Yeah? music. Point to you, Ganis. Wall-E wins Best Animated Feature! Andrew Stanton also knows how to make a speech, but he probably had the most time to prepare of anybody. 3 for 4.

8:08: Animated Short: here's where my random guessing skills come in to play. Come on, french title... La Maison De Petites Cubes wins! Boo yah! 4 for 5! I just threw up my arms with more vigor than at any point during the Superbowl (and I grew up in Pittsburgh).

8:10: If the Oscars get a third of the Superbowl's audience (hopefully), then do ads cost one third as much? Like $1 Million?

8:15: Craig... Daniel Craig. He sounds pretty authoritative even reading pre-pared Art Direction banter. Come on, Dark Knight love... Did I pick with my heart too much on this one? Yes, I did. Button takes it. 4 for 6. Last year I nailed Sweeney Todd out of nowhere for Art Direction and was so proud...

8:17 Straight into Best Costumes. I kind of like the "Oscars as narrative" gimmick they've got going. The Duchess- woot! 5 for 7.

8:22: Man, that costume guy went on forever. Straight into Best Makeup! Can Daniel Craig host the whole thing? Come on, Button... Nailed it! 6 for 8.

8:25: Did the announcer just say "Robert Patterson"? I really am sick of all the Twilight hoopla, but it's Robert Pattinson, people. He and Amanda Seyfried look like anime characters. Why do we need a "romance" montage? These should all be set to Does It Offend You, Yeah? I think.

8:28: Included in the "romance" clips is The Reader! Hooray for pedophilia! Commercial time. For the curious, Dave is one ahead of me at 7 for 8, presently- he missed only the animated short.

8:31: Ben Stiller's Joaquin Phoenix impression is pretty winning. Here comes Best Cinematography, another Oscar I picked for The Dark Knight that won't happen...

8:33: I really, really don't want Slumdog Millionaire to wine nine Oscars. Did I let that influence my decision making? Yes, yes I did. 6 for 9, now that Anthony Dod Mantle has an award. Hopefully I can make it up on the shorts and sound awards.

8:37: How come a guy never hosts the tech awards dinner? That's sexist, that is. Jessica Biel talks about one of the Pixar co-founders for a little while.

8:46: Okay, I forgot to write stuff during the Pineapple Express skit because I was actually entertained, so point there, Apatow. Live Action short: Spielzeugland! Go H-Caust factor! Bam! 7 for 10.

8:51: Hugh Jackman? Haven't seen him for a while. I thought Chicago brought the musical back, but Hugh informs us that Mamma Mia! has done so this year. And now Hugh's singing and dancing again... with Beyonce. Again, no Peter Gabriel for this? I'm checking out until this is over.

8:55: And people from High School Musical also join in. And the young ones from Mamma Mia!... I feel like Will Ferrell in the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches right now: "French Stewart, you answered 'threeve,' a combination of the numbers three and five. And you wagered 'Texas' with a dollar sign in front of it... I'm speechless." Just... why? There are no nominated musicals this year. How are musicals back? Mamma Mia! didn't even win any BAFTAs, and it's the highest grossing film of all time in Britain.

9:02: Finally, it's Heath Ledger time. I say we just let Matilda give the speech, that would be adorable... Christopher Walken alert!... Phillip Seymour Hoffman is wearing a knit cap, at the Oscars.

9:05: Man, they're lucky Cuba Gooding Jr. was available for this. Hee.

9:07: Okay, Heath Ledger isn't winning an Oscar for his entire life, people. Three family members accept? Couldn't we just have had Nolan say a few polite words? I bet they don't do the playoff music, for once. Anyway, 8 for 11.

9:14: Looks like it's documentary time, judging by the montage with the Phillip Glass music we just saw. Bill Maher is kind of a jackass, but that's not news. Man On Wire wins doc feature! 9 for 12. Okay, I love the French high-wire guy now- he made a coin disappear during his speech. Magic! Bring on Doc Short...

9:17: Damn it! I never get all three shorts! Congrats to Smile Pinki, but I'm skipping the speech. 9 for 13.

9:22: Time for Sound awards, I think. It's make or break time- does Slumdog sweep all nine, or will my Wall-E predictions hold any weight? Ooh, the Hives for this montage. Nice. Although the song overpowers most of the effects they're highlighting...

9:25: (Why are they taunting me with a part of Howard and Zimmer's not-nominated Dark Knight score as Will Smith is raised onto the stage? Don't rub it in). Turns out it was Visual Effects First, by the way. This category went rogue last year...

9:26: But not this time! Button picks up another. 10 for 14. How did those four dudes decide which one got to speak? Draw straws?

9:28: Now it's sound time. Sound Editing, to be precise. Anything but Slumdog, dear god. Yes! The Dark Knight! Whoo! Suck it, India! I got this wrong but I'm happy we don't have to hear about Slumdog in the same company as Return Of The King as a clean sweeper.

9:32: And Sound Mixing goes to...Slumdog Millionaire. Ugh. I'm heading to the bathroom. That's 10 for 16.

9:33: Will Smith, still? All right, let's do Editing. I would love Slumdog to lose here, as long as my percentage is dropping anyway... but Chris Dickens takes the statue. 11 for 17. Dave is still one ahead of me at 12 for 17, and it's going to come down to Penn vs. Rourke to see if I can tie him or not.

9:37: Let's see, are they going to present seven more statues and the lifetime achievement award before ten thirty? I say no.

9:42: Clearly there's no better choice to present a humanitarian award than Eddie Murphy. I'll be back in a little bit...

9:53: A montage of the Best Original Score music... can we hurry along? Nothing makes the Oscars seem longer than writing about them while you watch. Try it next time. Alicia Keys and the obligatory Zac Effron present Slumdog with yet another Oscar. 12 for 18.

9:57: How do we know that Best Original Song is stacked for Slumdog? John Legend gets to sing "Down To Earth" from Wall-E with backup dancers from Slumdog's first performance, at least at first. "Jai Ho" also clearly sends the subtitler into fits- he only gets the chorus.

10:00: Wow, you know what you get when you mix "Jai Ho" and "Down To Earth" together? A pile of garbage, that's what. And the Oscar goes to... "Jai Ho." Yawn. 13 for 19.

10:06: Foreign language time, and Waltz With Bashir inexplicably loses to Departures. 13 for 20. I'm getting tired.

10:18: Sorry, just checked out for the "People We've Lost" montage, set to Queen Latifah singing something or other. Reese Witherspoon trots out for... director? Before the lead actors? Come on, that's going too far.

10:19: I forgot all about Frost/Nixon until I saw Ron Howard just now... Danny Boyle takes home his first award. It's too bad he can't sell his Oscar and donate the proceeds to providing India with a better social infrastructure. 14 for 21.

10:25: Lead Actress highlight reel! For the record, I would love to be wrong about this one (much as I love Kate Winslet, you can't tell me she was better than she was in Eternal Sunshine). Making it through a whole paragraph with the 74 year old Sophia Loren was an adventure...

10:31: And the Oscar goes to Kate Winslet! 15 for 22. That's the only Oscar it gets, Dave. Content yourself with that. She's really milking her time here, but she's accepting for six previous nominations, to be fair.

10:35: Just so we're all aware, I'm at 15, Dave's at 16, and if Rourke wins we'll tie, and it Penn wins he'll beat me by two. It's go time here at Kinematoscope.

10:37: No Daniel Day Lewis for our quintet of Best Actor presenters? Aw. Again, what luck that Adrian Brody had the free time. Rourke has a slight aplause-o-meter edge, but that might be because De Niero didn't pause long enough talking about Penn...

10:43: Sean Penn?! That does it. I am officially not caring next year. (Yes I will, actually). Also, you know what kills drama during an acceptance speech? Reading glasses.

10:45: And Mickey Rourke was never heard from again. 15 for 23.

11:00: Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Picture and a total of eight Oscars. Just so we're clear, we're saying that Slumdog F*cking Millionaire is twice as good as No Country For Old Men, The Departed, A Beautiful Mind, Unforgiven, Driving Miss Daisy, Rain Man, Platoon, Chariots Of Fire, Ordinary People, Annie Hall, Tom Jones, Marty, Oliver's Hamlet, and Billy Wilder's The Lost Weekend. We're supposed to believe that it's precisely, exactly, twice the film that any of the Best Picture winners I just listed ever were.

Give me a break.

To sum up, I came up from last year's 13 with 16 correct out of 24. Last year I went with mostly conventional thinking and largely got burned, this year I would've done better to pick all favorites (I lost on Cruz, Penn, Button for Art Direction, Slumdog for Cinematography, and I would've got one Sound award if I put Slumdog for both like most people. That would've been 21, not that I'm counting).

Dave put in a very solid 18 out of 24 correct, missing only the two sound awards, the three shorts, and foreign language, which is really like getting 18 out of 20 for films he's seen.

I guess I'm a bit disappointed that there was only one surprise of any kind (Waltz With Bashir losing Best Foreign Language)- I thought the whole theme of the Oscars is "nobody knows anything," not "they're a herd of mindless sheep with a lot of white guilt to work off."

I did enjoy some of the things they tried with the telecast- making a film as narrative determining the presentation order, the Apatow short, and best of all no awfully boring speech from Sid Ganis. And of course, I'll be watching next year, because this is what I do.

Just a quick note to say enjoy the dresses, awkward presentation banter, unnecessary Hugh Jackman dancing, and (hopefully) upsets in the next three hours.

I'll be keeping a running diary of thoughts and crass humor throughout the ceremony that I'll post tomorrow- liveblogging is so 2006, everybody.

So in the words of the best character in the best film of the year:

And here... we... go!