2009: Watch What Happens

A three part look at the year ahead, now that the Oscar have happened. Today: January to April!

The Only Movie This Year You Should Have Seen Aleady: Coraline

We all know January and February are dead months at the multiplexes. The only film worth your money so far has been Henry Selick’s masterpiece Coraline- it’s like The Nightmare Before Christmas without songs (except for one fun piano tune from one of the They Might Be Giants dudes), but more colorful, technically flawless, and with actual creepy moments.

If you can make it to a 3D showing, it’s well worth the extra $2 to rent the glasses- it’s the first film I’ve seen to use 3D as a way to enhance the storytelling instead of a “aaah! things in your face!” gimmick. Plus, it does a wonderful job of adapting a novella by my favorite author of all time, Neil Gaiman (I’m in a facebook group called “I may or may not be stalking Neil Gaiman.” Seriously, he lives in Wisconsin, too! I could have a sleeping bag outside of his house by tomorrow!).

The Weekend of February 27th: Nothing!

It’s a slow time. You can either go see the Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience, even though it might be a sign of the apocalypse, or Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun Li, because if there’s one film that needed a spin-off/sequel/whatever, it’s the 1994 Jean Claude Van-Damme vehicle Street Fighter.

You know what you should do instead? Rent The Fall!

The Weekend of March 6th: Watchmen

I don’t think, after The Dark Knight’s stigma-busting success, there’s an excuse not to go see what looks to be an as-faithful as possible adaptation of Alan Moore’s graphic novel Watchmen. It’s one of the best 100 works of literature of the last century. There are midnight showings. Get out of your house.

Unless you just don’t like movies. Or violence. Or blue people.

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The Weekend of March 13th: Nothing II: The Quickening!

Seriously, March is a wasteland. Will your life be improved in any way by watching Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the remake of Race To Witch Mountain? Perhaps it will help you realize every moment we spend on this earth is precious, and not to waste a single one.

Or you could see another remake, of Wes Craven’s The Last House On The Left, and learn that humans are nothing but annalistic savages that torture one another in an endless cycle of blood. Or you could read a book, or something.

The Weekend of March 20th: I Love You, Man

There is one reason to see I Love You, Man, and it isn’t the dubious track record of Director John Hamburg and screenwriter Larry Levin- its cast is a veritable comedian highlight reel, lead off by the trio of Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, and Rashida Jones (who I miss on The Office). Small parts by Andy Samberg, Aziz Ansari, Nick Kroll, Joe Lo Truglio, Jane Curtin, and Lou Ferrigno (not a comedian, but come on- Lou Ferrigno!) promise to make it a worthwhile trip.

Let the record show that this weekend Nicolas Continues his war against good movies with Know1ng, and Tony Gilroy follows up Michael Clayton with Duplicity, which I’d be excited about if not for the questionable casting of Julia Roberts as a femme fatale. We’ll see how that one plays out on RT first, thank you.

The Weekend of March 27th: Adventureland

Greg Mottola, fresh off the hit Superbad, decided to go for the mulligan and essentially make it again with his next film. Jesse Eisenberg takes over the Michael Cera nervous guy role as a recent college grad putting his dues in at an amusement park.

Monsters Vs. Aliens might be passable entertainment as well, if only for the 3D novelty and the voice of Seth Rogen as a blue blob.

The Weekend of April 3rd: Nothing With A Vengeance!

Although I bet, if you asked him nicely, Dave would save a seat for you when he lines up for the first screening of Fast & Furious.

The Weekend of April 10th: Observe And Report

Based on the trailer, it looks like Paul Blart: Mall Cop for people with brains. Maybe wait for review, but has Rogen steered us wrong so far?

Alternate options include Hannah Montanna: The Movie (because remember, normal girls are brunettes but rock stars are blondes) and Dragonball: Evolution (or as I like to call it, Speed Racer 2: Electric Boogaloo).

The Weekend of April 17th: Maybe State Of Play?

It looks like it could be good. If you’ve got nothing else going on, give it a shot. Plus there’s Crank 2: High Voltage, which is so Least Common Denominator is almost ironically highbrow.

The Weekend of April 24th: The Soloist

I know, it was delayed, so it must be bad, right? But RDJ in the trailer hooks me, as does that one bit of Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 that you hear everywhere. Or if you like to look at Beyonce without hearing her sing, go see Obsessed, where she tries on her “acting face.”

And so wraps the pre-summer preview. For the record, that’s pretty only one movie I’ll definitely see in theaters (Watchmen). But a few more to catch up on, at least.

2 Response to "2009: Watch What Happens"

  1. Anonymous says:

    I would not save a seat for Fast and Furious. . . It would totally be Crank.

    notemily says:

    for some reason "aaah! things in your face!" cracked me up. so... thanks for that :)

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