Kinematoscope

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Fear Not The Weapon But The Hand That Wields It.

Very Zen, completely insane looking ninja movie. I think I'll split the difference and fear both hand and weapon.




Actual tagline: Sit. Stay. Play Dad.

OR: Life is Not Child-Proof

Disney continues its quest to teach people the true meaning of family, one washed-up movie star at a time. Also, I love that Old Dogs' title is pretty similar to director Walt Becker's last lowbrow crowd-pleaser, Wild Hogs. Coming soon: Mild Clogs, Piled Logs, and Soiled Frogs.




Actual tagline: His life is fantastic... his wife is fantastic... his neighbors, not so fantastic.

OR: Dig the life fantastic.

OR: This year, forget super... ignore incredible... it's all about fantastic.

He's the most fantastically fantastical fox that ever fantasticked in fantastic-town! Fantastic!

(that third knows there was a "Fantastic Four," right?)

What follows, in many, many words is a parody of the #1 movie in America (somehow), 2012.

Movies In A Nutshell are not to be confused with Cleolinda's Movies in Fifteen Minutes which are awesome. She covered 2012 as well.

Otherwise, enjoy!

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India, Presentish Day

Dr. Adrian Helmsley arrives in India, and greets his friend Dr. Indian Guy.

Helmsley: Is it me, old friend, or do your wife and child grow more photogenic and representative of your entire nation every year?

Dr. Indian Guy: They do stand in quite nicely for billions of people, Dr. Helmsley.

Helmsley: Call me Adrian. I'm too handsome to be a "doctor".

They take a rickety elevator OF DEATH down an old copper mine to where some sweaty scientists are looking at machines.

Dr. Indian Guy: We recently detected the biggest solar eruption ever, so we made a vector drawing of it.

Helmsley: (putting on his Scientist Glasses) Ooh, very nice.

Dr. Indian Guy: The resultant neutrinos are now causing a physical reaction!

Helmsley: My. God.

Another Scientist: But neutrinos cause hardly any effect on matter. 50 trillion neutrinos pass through every person every second, so how can-

Dr. Indian Guy: Shut up Ranjesh! So anyway, the Earth's crust is more or less melting... to more, uh, molten than it already is.

Helmsley: That's impossible!

Another Scientist: That's what I was-

Dr. Indian Guy: He was saying it incredulously, Ranjesh! Quiet!


Washington D. C., The Very Next Day

Helmsley busts into a fancy party to track down White House Chief of Staff Carl Anheuser

Anheuser: You can't come in here! This is a black-tie fundraiser.

Helmsley: I just flew 20 hours to get here, so if you'd just-

Anheuser: Think of all the children without black ties in the world!

Helmsley: ...What? No, just look at this document!

This paper clearly contains science-speak for 'EARTH GO BOOM,' as Anheuser quickly sobers up.

Anheuser: Good thing you don't grow stubble on 20-hour plane rides.

Helmsley: Why?

Anheuser: Because we're going to meet the President.


The G8 Summit, Six Months Later, British Columbia

The U.S. President (Danny Glover) adresses the other seven heads of the Group Of Eight

President Globama: Ladies and gentlemen- recently certain information has come to light, and it's been confirmed by our best and brightest scientists, and it's totally irrefutable and stuff...there's a lot of ins, a lot of outs to this case, man, and I think that... I mean it might not be such a simple, uh... you know?-

Random Prime Minister: What in God's holy name are you blathering about? Aren't you supposed to be a great speaker?

President Globama: What I'm saying is, the world as we know it will soon come to an end.


China, 2010

An in-charge type yells at a mass of downtrodden worker types.

In-Charge Type: Who here can weld? We need workers for the new dam.

Welder: I can! Why does the dam have so many windows?

In-Charge Type: Quiet!


London, 2011

A Saudi-Arabian Prince reads a glowy screen as a British Government Official waits.

Saudi Prince: So it's one billion dollars for each seat? I have many relatives...

British Official: Dollars? Wow, that is adorable. It's one billion Euro- be serious.


Paris, 2011

A French museum director, Roland, and the First Daughter, are replacing the Mona Lisa with a replica during the night, so it can be preserved in a Swedish bunker. I guess.


California, 2012 (dun dun dun!)

Struggling writer and limo driver Jackson Curtis sleeps on his couch.

The TV: Mass Suicides Reported At Mayan Temples! Possibly Related To The Totally Legit Prophecy RE: Dec 21, 2012!

A brief Earthquake shakes Jackson awake, and he rushes off his ex-wife, Kate's (Amanda Peet) house to pick up his children for a camping trip. A hobo on the street holds a sign that reads "The End Is Nigh." This hobo is likely Roland Emmerich in his downtime.

Kate: Did you remember the bugspray?

Jackson: Probably not, I'm really harried. But in a likable way.

Moppet-Daughter: Daddy!

Sulky-Son: Jackson, what is this?

Jackson: Call me "dad"- that's such a tired cliche.


A Dock, Somewhere

Two old Jazz Guys are boarding a cruise ship, when a large wave rocks the entire ship and loading platform. They're very old and cranky about it.


The Oval Office

President Globama: You're telling me that you predicted the end of the Earth to be somewhere in mid 2013, without any sort of backup plan in case it happened sooner?

Helmsley: Yes, sir- I was wrong.

President Globama: Didn't the Mayans predict it would happen about now? You think that was a coincidence?

Helmsley: Well, that's actually completely wro-

First Daughter: (bursting in) You told me I was preserving art! But Roland called me and said it was all some massive coverup and then his CAR EXPLODED while he was on the phone!

President Globama: Nevermind that now, there's something big I need to tell you about.

Helmsley: (Checks own breath) So...you like art?

President Globama: Weren't you going to Yellowstone for some science?


Yellowstone

Jackson and his kids hop a fence that says "Restricted Area" and such things.

Sulky-Son: Don't you see the signs?

The Audience: ::GROANS::

They then see a circle of yellow caution tape and walk DIRECTLY TO THE MIDDLE OF IT. Helicopters and Humvees swoop in to collect them.

Helmsley: This data is unbelievable! If you look at it just right it makes a dolphin.

Soldier: We found these civilians in the hot zone, sir.

Helmsley: You folks should really leave the area so you don't melt...Say, aren't you "the" Jackson Curtis, that wrote Leaving Atlantis?

Jackson: You read it?

Helmsley: I'm reading it right now! All those people, selflessly trying to save a civilization. It's a little ham-fisted, really. Off you go.

Helmsley then video-chats with Dr. Indian Guy, who informs him everywhre else is as unstable as Yellowstone.

Helmsley: My. God. Man, if I had a nickel for everytime I've uttered that in terror.. Nevermind. Gather your family, Dr. I'll arrange an airlift for you from Delhi.

Dr. Indian Guy: Thank you so much, Adrian.

Helmsley: I mean, I'll probably remember. Here, I'll put it in my Blackberry.

Later, Jackson's terribly harried parenting leads to awkwardness putting them to bed. He wanders to Crazy Woody Harrelson's camper/radio station nearby

Jackson: So when you say it's all going to start in Hollywood, what do mean?

Crazy Woody Harrelson: I made a film explaining this, man, didn't you download my blog? Check it out!

What follows is a ridiculous, Morgan Spurlocky cartoon that lays out the pseudoscience premise

Crazy Woody Harrelson: Plus they're building spaceships, man! Spaceships!

Jackson: Yeah, I'm gonna go.


The Supermarket

Kate: Can we drop this, Gordon? He's the father of my children.

Gordon: But I'm your new, douchey boyfriend! Why am I clearly less good-looking than he is? I'm sorry, it's just lately I feel like something's literally tearing us apart.

The Earth: No, this would be LITERALLY! Rips the Supermarket in half right between where they're standing.


Random Boxing Match

Yuri Karpov, IMPORTANT, WEALTHY RUSSIAN in a FANCY SCARF, and his girlfriend Tamara arrive. Yuri talks to one of the fighters, who may or may not be his son (?).

Boxing Coach: Hey! He needs to focus now.

Yuri: ::INCOMPREHENSIBLE, ANGRY RUSSIAN::

Boxing Coach: Sorry, Mr. Karpov.

Yuri's Cellphone: GO TIME- IT IS THIS DAY!

Yuri leaves at once, leaving Tamara and the boxer-dude to get confused and punched, respectively.


California Once More

Jackson, having dropped his kids back at home, now delivers Yuri's twin sons at the airport, as he is the family's limo driver

Yuri's Kid #1: Way to be late, chotch!

Jackson: Whatever, tubby- I'm published, so...nyah.

Yuri's Kid #2: Pfah! Enjoy dying while we go on a big ship!

Sasha (The family pilot): Nyet!

Jackson looks confused and gets back in the limo as they board the plane.

Crazy Woody Harrelson (on the radio): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The Ground: ::STARTS TO CRACK::

Jackson runs to a nearby hangar

Jackson: Dude is this your plane? Can I rent it? Can you promise we can use it even if the city erupts into pandemonion?

Dude: Uh.

Jackson: I'll give you a watch.

What follows is an extended, insane sequence (That You Can Watch Here) in which the San Andreas fault breaks off, Jackson rescues his family (and Gordon, the new boyfriend) in a seemingly indestructible limo, gets back to the plane (the Dude got killed, no one took the plane which was polite) and Gordon, who has comically only had two flying lessons, pilots them to safety.

The plane, at one point, flys between two collapsing skyscrapers- the subtitle "9/11" practically appears on the screen.

Some People In The Audience: Aw, too soon.

Everyone Else: Shh, explody things!


The Cruise Ship

You remember. With the old Jazz guys? They finish a very timely song about the end of the world and Black Jazz Guy gets a phone call.

Black Jazz Guy: Adrian!

Helmsley: Dad- it's all happening now. Where is the ship heading?

Black Jazz Guy: Don't worry about me son. I'm old. You should look out for what's important on your end.

Helmsley: Well...the President's daughter is pretty hot.

Black Jazz Guy: That's my boy!


Yellowstone

Jackson and co. land at a conveniently deserted place to refuel. Jackson (and Moppet-Daughter) go to find Crazy Woody Harrelson, who spoke of a map to the "big ships" before. They find him standing on a clifftop, spouting the cuh-razy.

Crazy Woody Harrelson: I was right all along! I hope you've all made peace with your herbal remedies and electric cars! Buddha has a ghost-penis, and it lives in your cereal-

Jackson: Hey, nutso! Where's the map?

Crazy Woody Harrelson: On the shelf labeled "MAPS," duh. (chews popcorn) You wanna pull up a seat for this, too?

Jackson: A seat for what?

Yellowstone: ::MUSHROOM-CLOUDS ITSELF::

Yet more madcap craziness follows in which Jackson finds the map, outruns flaming mountain debri in an RV, and nearly falls through a fissure INTO THE EYE OF SAURON BELOW. Finally, he and Moppet-Daughter make it back just in time for Narrow Plane Escape II: The Squeakuel.


Washington, D.C.

Helmsley: Look at the news, sir! South America has been devastated by earthquakes.

Anheuser: ... We're not going to cut there? Huh. Must not have any important landmarks.

Helmsley: Sir, when are we going to tell the public about this?

Anheuser: You want to tell everyone they're doomed? There'd be anarchy! Not the calm, measured collapsing of society there is already. We have to board the ships first.


Air Force One

Helmsley: The President's not coming.

Anheuser: How noble. The VP's chopper went down, too. You want some peanuts?

Helmsley: But the Speaker Of The House is now-

Anheuser: Never liked the guy. Buckle in- the in-flight movie is License to Wed.

Helmsley: This is madness! Next you'll be telling me we've been killing people to keep this whole ship plan quiet!

Anheuser: ... Awk-ward.


Vegas Airport

Jackson's indestructible byplane lands on a chaos-filled tarmac. Yuri and co. are all there as Sasha (Russian Pilot Guy) explains that the plane is shot, in measured, technical Russian.

Sasha: There is plane we can take, but I need co-pilot.

Jackson: Gordon's a pilot! A great one!

Gordon: Stop saying that! I'm just a douchey plastic surgeon.

In short order, they commandeer a much bigger plane and pull off Narrow Plane Escape III: With A Vengeance., just in front of the dust cloud coming in from Yellowstone. Vegas crumbles like a modern-day Gomorrah. They head to China, where The Map says The Big Ships are.


China

A Young Monk talks to an Old Monk, in a mountaintop temple.

Young Monk: So can I have your truck? My brother is that one Welder, and he can sneak our whole family onto one of those Big Ships.

Old Monk: (pours tea into a cup until it overflows) Your mind is like this cup. Full of opinions and speculation. Too see the path of wisdom, you must first empty it.

Young Monk: So that's a...yes?


On The Way To China

Jackson: I can't believe you paid for seats. Life is strange, huh?

Yuri: ::QUIET, INTROSPECTIVE RUSSIAN

Jackson: Uh, yeah, sure.

Sasha: Hokay, we refuel in Hawaii real quick here.

Hawaii: ::IS ON FIRE::

Sasha: Is not good. We'll have to make a water landing after fuel is gone.

Gordon: Least we won't need the landing gear. It blew off in Vegas.

Audience: Then how were you going to refuel?!?

No One: ::ADRESSES THIS AT ALL::


Air Force One

Helmsley: So, did you hear from your father? Do you need any.. comfort?

First Daughter: Yeah, he gave me the full Bruce Willis on the phone. And now you tell me I've been colluding in murder! Poor Roland.

Helmsely: It's not so bad. You preserved great works. And I even have this random Jackson Curtis guy's book in my satchel- everyone had a chance to be remembered, see?

First Daughter: I don't really follow your logic.


White Jazz Guys calls his estranged son, but Earthquakes have little patience for reconcialation and destroy the son's building instead. Aw. Also in D.C. the President tries ineffectually to find a girl's missing father- Earthquakes remain unmoved and trash the city.


The Vatican floods, and we see a crack split the ceiling of the Sistine chapel starting right in between God and Adam's fingers, AS IF UNDOING THE ACT OF CREATION ITSELF. It continues to be Go Time: the Cruise ship, Jazz guys with it, upends in a giant Tsunami.


Meanwhile, in D.C. once more, the President has somehow survived the dust wave and Earthquake, only to see a wave-born Aircraft carrier bearing down on him.


Back On The Plane

Note: This plane has a bunch of cars in it. Jackson and Kate sit in one and talk.

Jackson: Do you love him?

Kate: I love him enough.

Jackson: So if he were to tragically and unpredictably die-

Sasha: Engine failure! Lifevests everyone! We vill hit the water soon.

The Sea: ::IS NOT THERE AT ALL:: It's is all mountains!

Sasha: Don't ask me for plausible scientific reason, but whole world has shifted. We make snow landing now. You all get in car and drop out loading dock, I vill land plane and barely stop before edge of cliff.

This is exactly what happens.

Sasha: Huh. And here I thought I was expend-

The Plane: ::PLUMMETS, EXPLODES::

Tamara: Sasha! You were age-appropriate for me!

Some Chinese arrive in helicopters, and ask to see Boarding Passes. Yuri produces three for himself and sons.

Tamara: But, Yuri!

Yuri:: ::ANGRY, VINDICTIVE RUSSIAN::

Jackson, family, Gordon, and Tamara flag down Young Monk and hitch a ride in the Truck. See? It all comes together.


At The Ships

Many VIPs and Rich Folks arrive. Ark #3 (of 4) is broken and not boarding, to Yuri's FRUSTRATED RUSSIAN chagrin.

Helmsley: (seeing the clientele) You SOLD tickets? What about creating a genetic master race- I mean, repopulating the Earth?

Anheuser: You think giant ships build themselves? Have you seen the economy lately?

Helmsley's phone rings

Dr. Indian Guy: Adrian! I am still waiting for the airlift you promised. There is a giant wave heading from the East. Why didn't you-(BZZZT!)

Helmsley: We never picked up my friend! Now there will be no more Indians! Plus, there's another wave coming we didn't know about, and now we've only got thirty minutes!

Anheuser: My. God. You still get a signal?


A Mountain Pass

The Welder is not happy about the extra party guests to his "Sneaking Aboard A Secret Ship" Soiree.

Kate: Please, at least take my children!

Chinese Grandmother: ::STUBBORN, HUMANE CHINESE::

Welder: Fine, you all come.

Sulky-Son: Why do the ships have anchors?

Jackson: (suddenly knowing this) Because they're not spaceships, son.

They all sneak onto Ark #1 through the Gate mechanism, just as they close.

Helmsley: Good people! We cannot begin mankind's future with an act of cruelty and barbarism! We must save those people from Ark #3! (is further articulate)

Anheuser: Fine, Gawd. Are you sure you weren't supposed to play the President?


A Giant Rube-Goldberg-esque sequence follows in which they reopen the gates while the Chinese family and Jackson's are still inside. This leads to the Welder getting hurt, Yuri falling to his death to save his children, a piece of equipment getting stuck in the works, and the gate to Ark# 1 stopping at a mostly-closed position.

Oh and Gordon, predictably, dies. The old crushed between gears routine, alas.

Kate: Where's Gordon?

Jackson: Honestly, even you can't be surprised.


The tsunami hits, and water begins to enter the ship. This leads to a very Titanicy situation in which compartments begin to seal off. Tamara saves Moppet-Daughter but TRAGICALLY DROWNS HERSELF in doing so. Helmsley and First Daughter rush back to help, but are stuck on one side (with the Moppet-Daughter) with Jackson, Kate, Sulky-Son, and the Chinese family on the other.

Helmsley: (through an intercom) Mr. Curtis this is Adrian Helmsley. We met at Yellowstone.

Jackson: That's great- get us the hell out of here!

Helmsley: We can't. Someone needs to go back and get the thing out of the gears or we'll all die!

Jackson: Fine, I'll do it. Even though I'm such an important published author and stuff.

He swims down to unclog the tube or whatever that fell in there (Gordon's mangled body apparently causes no problems), and succeeds but only with the help of his Sulky-Son, who loves him after all! Hooray!


One Month Later

Moppet-Daughter: Can we go home now, daddy?

Jackson: No, we've got to find a new home out here. But we'll be a family again. Couldn't have planned this better myself.

Kate: Hey! I'm still kinda sad about...was it..Gil?

Helmsley: We've set a course for the Cape of Good Hope. It turns out Africa never flooded at all. It's the only viable land left.

Anheuser: My God. (Anyone playing the "My God" drinking game is now dead) Africa, really? Did the inhabitants survive?

Helmsley: It's possible.

Anheuser: Do you think they'll be pissed we didn't invite them?

Helmsley: (shrugs) You what's crazy, though- my cell phone still works.

END



Other Parodies:

The X-Files: I Want To Believe

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

Crash- Not so much a parody as a recap where I make snide comments about EVERY scene.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: The Next Chapter Begins

Nooo! How can this possible not have terrible and cheesy tags with it? Twilight gave us fun ones like "When you can live forever what do you live for?".

How disapointing.




Actual tagline: Based on the Extraordinary True Story

Et tu, Hallmark-channel-looking inspirational Sandra Bullock movie? Nothing? What is happening this week?




Actual tagline: Something strange is coming to their planet...Us!

OR: Right stuff. Wrong planet.

Saved by over-done children's movies again! Because really all Planet 51 has to sell itself (other than the vocal stylings of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) is it's premise, where an astronaut lands on a Planet where the stereotypically green aliens all A) speak English and B) all live in an eerie facsimile of 50s-era American suburbia. So the taglines really need to send home the point.

Guess what? We're going to take a weekly look at the reviews by Entertainment Weekly's increasingly befuddled and impossible to predict movie critic, Owen Glieberman. Recently, he gave A Christmas Carol an A while giving The Men Who Stare At Goats an F, though both films received middle-of-the-road reviews.

Fantastic Mr. Fox: A

OG claims to be "not a big fan of Anderson's work," but that the clay-mation medium was exactly what he needed to stomach the "virtuoso tomfoolery" and "arch self-possession" in all of the director's films. He sums it up thusly:

"Before, he twisted reality into a permanent ironic pose. Now, in the infectiously primitive talking-animal world of Fantastic Mr. Fox, he's become an ironic realist."

Points for the construction, Gliebs, but I really don't see how one who twists reality into an ironic pose isn't already an ironic realist.

Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire: A

He loves this one as much as everyone else, but I present the following passage about Mo'Nique's character:

"Her Mary is raging and defeated, a woman who treats Precious as a slave — and I don't use the word lightly, since part of the film's power is its perception that these two are living out patterns of cruelty that go back for generations. Their agony has roots."

It has ROOTS, get it? Like the show? Those italics are all original Glieberman, by the way. He also pontificates near the end: "Precious is a film that makes you think, 'There but for the grace of God go I.'" Somehow I doubt that young Owen, reviewing movies in the student rag at Ann Arbor Pioneer High School, was just a little bit of God's grace away from being exploited for welfare benefits by his parents.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

2012 has such a rich amount of ridiculous tags, we're going to handle them one by one.

Actual tagline: We Were Warned. (Alternate version: Mankind's earliest civilization warned us this day would come...)

I wonder what people did before the internet? Did they just vaguely wonder if disaster films were full of baloney but just sort of shrug and move on? Casual research reveals that the Mayans, who were not the earliest civilization by any reasonable measure, had a calendar much different than our own that reaches the end of its thirteenth "baktun" (around 394 years) on December 21st (or 23rd), 2012.

That's it. Occasional historical conjecture arises that claims some Mayans thought there'd be some doom, but it's mostly just a common misconception, turned into a $200 Million budget.

OR: Who will be left behind?

Judging by the wanton destruction and seeming intent to flee in spaceships in the trailer, no one at all. Or is this a thinly veiled rapture reference?

OR: The end is just the beginning.

Indeed, because the Mayan calendar is cyclical- meaning nothing will happen at all?

OR: First, the Mayan calendar predicted it...Now, science has confirmed it...but we never imagined it could really happen.

Okay- granting that in the film whatever they call "science" confirms the impending disaster: at that point, they still "never imagined" it would happen? What else would it take?




Actual tagline: On air. Off shore. Out of control.

OR: 1 Boat. 8 DJs. No Morals.

These taglines do no bother me, well done, et cetera, but WHY did we need the title changed for American audiences? Are we that dumb? This used to be called The Boat That Rocked, as you can see from the poster, but that was too many words for us Yankees.

It's a radio station on a boat! It's not that crazy that we can't take a little wordplay. Why not just give it the full treatment and call it Radio Station On A Boat, and then Samuel L. Jackson can cameo, and so on.




Actual tagline: Life is hard. Life is short. Life is painful. Life is rich. Life is....Precious.

It seems unfortunate to me that this film, which by all accounts is fantastic, had to change its title because it was recently the title of a Chris Pine/Dakota Fanning B Movie.

And can we call a moratorium on the lame ellipses before using a movie title in a tag? You may as well simultaneously be winking at me and nudging me in the ribs while saying the word as if had quotes around it. No subtlety at all.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Season's Greedings

Oh, I see what you did there. Har har. Jim Carrey returns to ruin your holidays with his heavily make-uped ubiquity for another holiday season.




Actual tagline: You Are The Experiment

Is it a medical study? Do I get paid in cash? Is it an experiment to see if I'll go see a film based solely on the fact that The Arcade Fire composed the score?




Actual tagline: No goats. No glory.

I swear the small laugh that escaped the side of my mouth when I read this one was completely involuntary. I'm very serious about my distaste for puns in movie taglines. Completely serious.

Heh. "No goats."




Actual tagline: There are four kinds of alien encounters. The fourth kind is abduction.

Actually, according to Wikipedia, there is a fifth kind of close encounter (basically when they start a-murderin' us human folk.

And the fourth kind can also be referred to as type 3-G. Now you know.