Kinematoscope

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

2012 has such a rich amount of ridiculous tags, we're going to handle them one by one.

Actual tagline: We Were Warned. (Alternate version: Mankind's earliest civilization warned us this day would come...)

I wonder what people did before the internet? Did they just vaguely wonder if disaster films were full of baloney but just sort of shrug and move on? Casual research reveals that the Mayans, who were not the earliest civilization by any reasonable measure, had a calendar much different than our own that reaches the end of its thirteenth "baktun" (around 394 years) on December 21st (or 23rd), 2012.

That's it. Occasional historical conjecture arises that claims some Mayans thought there'd be some doom, but it's mostly just a common misconception, turned into a $200 Million budget.

OR: Who will be left behind?

Judging by the wanton destruction and seeming intent to flee in spaceships in the trailer, no one at all. Or is this a thinly veiled rapture reference?

OR: The end is just the beginning.

Indeed, because the Mayan calendar is cyclical- meaning nothing will happen at all?

OR: First, the Mayan calendar predicted it...Now, science has confirmed it...but we never imagined it could really happen.

Okay- granting that in the film whatever they call "science" confirms the impending disaster: at that point, they still "never imagined" it would happen? What else would it take?




Actual tagline: On air. Off shore. Out of control.

OR: 1 Boat. 8 DJs. No Morals.

These taglines do no bother me, well done, et cetera, but WHY did we need the title changed for American audiences? Are we that dumb? This used to be called The Boat That Rocked, as you can see from the poster, but that was too many words for us Yankees.

It's a radio station on a boat! It's not that crazy that we can't take a little wordplay. Why not just give it the full treatment and call it Radio Station On A Boat, and then Samuel L. Jackson can cameo, and so on.




Actual tagline: Life is hard. Life is short. Life is painful. Life is rich. Life is....Precious.

It seems unfortunate to me that this film, which by all accounts is fantastic, had to change its title because it was recently the title of a Chris Pine/Dakota Fanning B Movie.

And can we call a moratorium on the lame ellipses before using a movie title in a tag? You may as well simultaneously be winking at me and nudging me in the ribs while saying the word as if had quotes around it. No subtlety at all.