Kinematoscope

A ten part series on the Best Picture nominees, structured around four basic questions.

Was It Any Good?

Well...I guess it was. If that seems reluctant, it's because I'm not sure if I saw it because I wanted to, or because I knew the rest of the world was going to see it, AMPAS included.

It's entertaining, sure, if overlong, stilted, cliche-ridden and stuffed with weird racial undertones. For all the cynicism with which I watched it the first time, I was noticably rooting for the good guys in the climactic showdown- mostly because the under-mentioned Stephen Lang played such a greatly cartoonish villain.

But "good"? Meh. Since comparisons to Titanic are clearly impossible to avoid: the second half breakdowns of both films are impressive, but Avatar manages to make Titanic's first half look like a master case of nuanced storytelling.

More...

Would I See It Again?

Full disclosure: I saw it twice. Once, I snuck into a 2D showing after I saw Sherlock Holmes around Christmas. Then, after weeks after record paying grosses and everyone saying how the 3D effects were the BEST THING EVER OMG, I went out to AMC and caught the IMAX 3D "Experience."

Do I plan on buying it? Not at all. Would I watch it again on cable? If there were nothing else on. For all the wow-factor of the effects (even if 3D someday becomes commonplace in a home theater setting), the story is only as compelling as any run-of-the-mill actioner.



What Did It Acheive?

I'm not going to argue with the momentousness of the work that went into Avatar. They created an entire virtual world, revolutionized motion capture, Jim Cameron invented a new type of camera or something and grew six extra arms over the course of shooting.

I guess my real question is: how impressive is all that measured against the current field of CGI ubiquitousness? It's everywhere, and pretty soon 3D is going to be everywhere too.

To use a sports anaolgy, is Avatar Babe Ruth, head and shoulders above the field, or is it Barry Bonds, hitting home runs only slightly more often in a juiced-up field? Clearly it's paving the way for hugely successful 3D block-busters to be commonplace, but in 2D it didn't impress me in any unusual way.

I wish the Special Effects artists well at the Oscars, and I hope they're working on speeches already. But all the bells and whistles in the world don't make up for weak storytelling, not when it's Oscar-time.

Will I Remember It Years From Now?

I will, but for mixed reasons. It's visually striking and technologically memorable, but it has some easy pop-culture punchlines that will follow it, from the "Pocahontas with blue people" plot to (sigh) "unobtainium."

I'll remember the Avatar/Hurt Locker, Cameron/Bigelow Oscar narrative more than Avatar itself, especially watching Cameron give speeches and self-implode any goodwill he might've had brewing.

But Avatar isn't going to be treated well in my memory, and sadly, it's making Titanic look better and better all the time.

What's coming up these next few weeks on Kinematoscope? Non-stop Oscar coverage, and maybe some overdue "best of the decade" lists that have been so trendy elsewhere. Right now, however, is the first entry in a 33 part series on the Oscars (one per category and ten for Best Picture).

BEST ANIMATED SHORT

I wonder if people used to get excited about the animated shorts because they actually ran in theaters- only Pixar is keeping this trend alive, and they've won it more often than not for the last two decades. Walt Disney used multiple wins for shorts to up his career Oscar total to a record 22 statuettes.

The short in front of Up, "Partly Cloudy", somehow lost out this year, which one hopes would mean that the quality of the nominees is off the charts. But let's see for ourselves:

1. French Roast
-Watch it on YouTube

A silent short with a simple premise- uptight Frenchman goes to cafe, forgets his wallet. Minutes of embarrassed hi jinks to cover it up follow.

The animation here is alright, chiefly the way the view blends the reflection of the cafe in the window with the street outside, but the exaggerated features of the characters don't really jibe with the quiet pace of the one-gag plot for me.

2. Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty
-Watch it on YouTube

Next, a memorable half-CGI, half-traditional alternate take on a classic fairy tale. The titular granny terrifies her small grand-daughter with a re-telling of Sleeping Beauty sympathetic to the evil witch.

If this were all in the vibrantly colored hand-drawn style that depicts the story within the story, I would've liked it a lot more- the framing device is just boring CGI with barely-human, bug-eyed characters. And the voice actress playing Granny O'Grimm chews a lot of scenery in under six minutes.

3. The Lady And The Reaper
-Watch it on YouTube

A funny third CGI entry, wherein an old widow welcomes the sight of a hapless grim reaper, only to be foiled time and again by a big-chinned Lothario of a doctor.

It's another trifle, but memorable for it oddly pro-euthanasia stance and for being produced by Antonio Banderas (who we all know is an animation fan).

4. Logorama
Watch it on movieweb

An entire world built from corporate logos is the setting for a sixteen minute film in which Michelin Man cops chase an evil Ronald McDonald on a crime spree. The wonderful visual idea gets bogged down by an uninteresting and unnecessarily crude plot- oh, the logos curse and harass one another? What a striking commentary. How 'edgy.'

It all ends in a heavy-handed natural disaster metaphor, as the proceedings are interrupted by a flood of oil seeping from cracks in the earth. Get it?

5. A Matter Of Loaf And Death
-Watch the trailer on YouTube

Three words: Wallace. And. Gromit. Considering that the series is three for four on Oscar night, and that creator Nick Park lost that one to himself for "Creature Comforts," this is one of the safest bets of the night.

I haven't seen it, not living in the UK and all, but I'd also bet it's just as awesome as Wallace and Gromit always are.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: When The Moon Is Full, The Legend Comes To Life.

OR: The Legend Is Alive.

Not sure if the makers have been following recent trends, but lycanthropy is very much alive and well- you're sort of on the tail end, really. And aren't legends by definition always alive? Hence being legends?




Actual tagline: From The Director Of Pretty Woman Comes A Day In The Life Of Love.

I feel compelled to point out that this poster is vaguely swastika-shaped. Look at it. Right?




Actual tagline: Worlds Collide

From the director of the first two Harry Potters? Chris Columbus? That's your lead?! What is the world coming to?

From The Trailer: Some Heroes Are Made. And Some Are Born...Of The Gods.

I think they should have gone with: So You Never Have To Get Around To Reading The Books.

I know you must’ve seen the Oscar nominations and thought to yourself: But what do two random people in the Midwest think of all this?

If for no reason other than having opinions about it, these are the Oscar nominations I would’ve voted for, if I had a ballot. Will I nominate Drag Me To Hell for five Oscars like Dave did? (Spoiler Alert: No. Not that into horror.)

I did give myself the handicap of limiting the choices to only films that I’ve seen (except for original song, because that’s impossible; and animated feature, because I only saw three or so).

Visual Effects

Avatar
District 9
Star Trek


Can’t disagree with the Academy here. Can I just say that while the visual flare of J. J. Abrams’ Star Trek was something I immensely enjoyed, I can’t help but feel that it’s the apple version of the ST universe? An “iStarTrek,” if you will. Am I crazy?

Sound Editing

Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Star Trek

The art of loud noises. It’s not a part of the IMAX/Ultrascreen experience that people mention as much as the visual components, but it’s integral all the same.

More...

Sound Mixing

District 9
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Star Trek

While I respect Avatar in the previous category, for creating sound effects for things that don’t exist in real life, the overall mix of sound, score, and dialogue didn’t strike me as artful in any way. Witness the masterful use of tense silence suddenly ratcheted into chaos in both Locker and Basterds, or the raucous opening horns of Star Trek blasting us off into space. And Fox was the best at turning the soundtrack up and down at the right moments, something Wes Anderson films are always wont to do.

Best Make Up

District 9
The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
The Road

Arguably the most surprising scene in District 9 is when a surprise alien prosthetic arm pops out of nowhere, as it were. How AMPAS ignored that for standard paleface period-piece business in The Young Victoria is beyond me.

Best Costume Design

The Brothers Bloom
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Inglourious Basterds
Public Enemies
Sherlock Holmes

What’s that? You didn’t see The Brothers Bloom and it’s archly complete visual flair? Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll mention it again at some point.

Best Art Direction

The Brothers Bloom
District 9
Inglourious Basterds
Sherlock Holmes
Where the Wild Things Are

This may be as good as place as any other to mention that as much as I wanted to like Where The Wild Things Are, it left me a little hollow, and my memory hasn’t treated it very well. Maybe I’ll watch it again, but I really don’t need to be reminded again that it’s confusing and sometimes depressing to be nine.

Best Song

Coraline- “Other Father Song”
Crazy Heart – “The Weary Kind”
Simon & Malou- “No Time For Love”
That Evening Sun- “Depression Era”
Where the Wild Things Are – “Hideaway”

Every time I see that “The Weary Kind” was co-written by someone named “Ryan Bingham,” I go “where do I know that name from?” before I remember it’s George Clooney’s character in Up In The Air. Anyway, good tune.

Also I scoured the list for some more obscure contenders: if we’re not worried about length, one of They Might Be Giants’ Johns had a fun thirty second ditty in Coraline, some foreign rom-com called Simon & Malou had a rocking (Enlgish) song by Maria Apetri, and forgotten Hal-Holbrook vehicle That Evening Sun had a song by the guy from Drive-By Truckers.

Finally, I much prefer Kareno O’s more somber “Hideaway” from Wild Things to “All Is Love,” but it might be because kids singing in high voices make me want to kick things for some reason.

Best Score

Nathan Johnson, The Brothers Bloom
Alexandre Desplat, Fantastic Mr. Fox
Clint Mansell, Moon
Hans Zimmer, Sherlock Holmes
Carter Burwell and Karen O, Where the Wild Things Are

Best Animated Feature

Avatar
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Mary And Max
Up

Ahem. From the official Oscar bylaws:

“An animated feature film is defined as a motion picture with a running time of at least 70 minutes, in which movement and characters’ performances are created using a frame-by-frame technique. In addition, a significant number of the major characters must be animated, and animation must figure in no less than 75 percent of the picture’s running time.”

Just saying.

Best Cinematography

The Brothers Bloom
District 9
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds


In order, for symmetry, shakiness, meltiness, immediacy, and conversational staidness.

Best Film Editing

The Brothers Bloom
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
In The Loop

Pacing is very, very important to comedies, and the dark tour de force In The Loop knew just what it was doing. Why no Avatar? Because it was about forty minutes too long, that’s why.

Best Adapted Screenplay

District 9
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Informant!
In the Loop
Up In The Air

Three real nominees, one near miss (Fox), and Scott Burns’ well-crafted farce from a non-fiction book.

Best Original Screenplay

Broken Embraces
The Brothers Bloom
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Moon

Some great original scripts this year, including the inventive sci-fi indie Moon and maybe my favorite from Almodovar so far.

Best Supporting Actress

Vera Farmiga- Up In The Air
Anna Kendrick- Up In The Air
Diane Krueger – Inglourious Basterds
Gina McKee- In The Loop
Blanco Portillo- Broken Embraces

Last Woman Out: Meryl Streep - Fantastic Mr. Fox

I felt it important to highlight the work of McKee and an Almodovar player not named “Penelope” here. But when will voice-acting (or motion capture) get its day, anyway?

Best Supporting Actor

Peter Capaldi – In the Loop
Anthony Mackie – The Hurt Locker
Mark Ruffalo- The Brothers Bloom
Karl Urban- Star Trek
Christoph Waltz – Inglourious Basterds

Last Man Out: Jackie Earle Haley – Watchmen

A fun one to fill out this year- Ruffalo’s great in Bloom, no matter how stiff he seems to be in the trailer, I promise. Waltz is a force of nature, Urban stole every scene he was in in Star Trek, and Capaldi took In The Loop to a whole new level. And I keep thinking Mackie was nominated, then remembering he got overlooked for Matt Damon’s role in Invictus as a piece of wheat toast.

Best Actress

Penelope Cruz- Broken Embraces
Melanie Laurent- Inglourious Basterds
Alison Lohman – Drag Me to Hell
Leslie Mann- Funny People
Rachel Weisz- The Brothers Bloom

Last Woman Out: Julia Roberts- Duplicity

Laurent was submitted for leading, according to my sources (as in, “the internet”), so I’m putting her here. I suppose I’ll help “legitimize” horror by giving Lohman a nod for being game for anything. Funny People is something I think a lot more people would have like if they knew nothing about Judd Apatow, and Mann really holds the middle of it together.

Best Actor

George Clooney – Up in the Air
Sharlto Copley- District 9
Matt Damon – The Informant!
Jeremy Renner- The Hurt Locker
Sam Rockwell- Moon

Last Man Out: Robert Downey, Jr. – Sherlock Holmes

Lost amid the late-act splatters and explosions in District 9 is Copley’s affecting performance of a desperate man. Damon found his Oscar role, but it was unfortunately in a comedy. Renner and Clooney are justly deserving, and you didn’t think I could possibly not nominate Sam Rockwell, did you? He’s Sam Rockwell!

Best Director

Wes Anderson- Fantastic Mr. Fox
Kathryn Bigelow – The Hurt Locker
Neil Blomkamp – District 9
Rian Johnson – The Brothers Bloom
Quentin Tarantino – Inglourious Basterds

Last Man/Woman Out: Jason Reitman– Up In The Air

Yeah, that’s right. I think Rian Johnson did a better job directing The Brothers Bloom than Cameron did Avatar. I weighed the technical merits of both against other things like writing, acting, preponderance of thinly-veiled racism, and found myself with a clear victor.

Best Picture

Broken Embraces
The Brothers Bloom
District 9
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Hurt Locker
In The Loop
Inglourious Basterds
Sherlock Holmes
Star Trek
Up in the Air

Last Two Films Out: Up and Moon

Hey , AMPAS and I agree on four films, which is more than I expected.

Totals

Inglourious Basterds – 12
District 9 – 11
The Brothers Bloom – 10
The Hurt Locker – 9
Fantastic Mr. Fox – 6
Up in the Air – 5
Star Trek – 5
In The Loop – 5
Broken Embraces – 4
Sherlock Holmes – 4
Moon – 3
Avatar – 3
Where the Wild Things Are – 3
The Informant! – 2
Coraline – 2
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus – 2

Best Visual Effects

Avatar
District 9
Star Trek

So pretty…

Best Sound Effects

Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Star Trek

BOOM!

Best Sound Effects Editing

Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Star Trek

BOOM goes the dynamite!

More...
Best Make Up

District 9
The Road
Star Trek

I have often found myself wondering how this award is not sponsored by Max Factor or L’Oreal.

Best Costume Design

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Inglourious Basterds
Nine
A Single Man
The Young Victoria

For costume design, I have three out of the five real nominees. Basterds gets added because of its scope and costumes for the women. Meanwhile, A Single Man gets added for its dead on fashion of the 1960s and because Tom Ford made it. You know it has to at least look damn good.

Best Art Direction

District 9
Inglourious Basterds
A Single Man
Watchmen
Where the Wild Things Are

None of the real nominees here, convention be damned!

Best Song

Crazy Heart – “The Weary Kind”
Fantastic Mr. Fox – “Petey’s Song”
The Hangover – “Stu’s Song”
It Might Get Loud – “Fly Farm Blues”
Where the Wild Things Are – “All Is Love”

Save “The Weary Kind,” the Academy completely fumbled away this category. Songs should be memorable and fun/moving.

Best Score

Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Hurt Locker
A Single Man
Star Trek
Up

Best Animated Feature

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Secret of the Kells
Up

::Nodding::

Best Cinematography

Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
A Single Man

Awesome to the max.

Best Film Editing

District 9
Drag Me to Hell
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
A Serious Man

The “It” Category.

Best Adapted Screenplay

District 9
Fantastic Mr. Fox
In the Loop
A Single Man
Up in the Air

I feel that this category, without compromise, is significantly more solid than the real one.

Best Original Screenplay

Drag Me to Hell
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
A Serious Man
Up

Solid choices abound…

Best Supporting Actress

Diane Krueger – Inglourious Basterds
Melanie Laurent – Inglourious Basterds
Mo’Nique – Precious
Julianne Moore – A Single Man
Lorna Raver – Drag Me to Hell
Last Woman Out: Vera Fermiga – Up in the Air

I cannot ignore Mo’Nique’s career altering performance in Precious. The Basterds duo of Krueger and Laurent get my support giving the film a strong female presence. Julianne Moore has replaced Kate Winslet as the actress who always gets nominated, but has nothing on the shelf at home. Lastly, I am recognizing Lorna Raver for her wacky and dastardly turn in Drag Me to Hell. I just gave the horror industry legitimacy.

Best Supporting Actor

Peter Capaldi – In the Loop
Billy Crudup - Watchmen
Richard Kind – A Serious Man
Anthony Mackie – The Hurt Locker
Christoph Waltz – Inglourious Basterds
Last Man Out: Kylie the Possum – Fantastic Mr. Fox

I feel that Capaldi, Kind, Mackie, and Waltz are self-explanatory. Waltz is easily the most memorable character, with Capaldi in second. The fifth spot came down to Watchmen co-stars Crudup and Jackie Earle Haley. I chose Crudup’s alienated and subdued performance over Haley’s psychotic rendition.

Also, if a claymation possum could be nominated for an Oscar, Crudup gets dropped.

Best Actress

Sandra Bullock – The Blind Side
Alison Lohman – Drag Me to Hell
Carey Mulligan – An Education
Gabourey Sidibe – Precious
Meryl Streep – Julie and Julia
Last Woman Out: Helen Mirren – The Last Station

I just added more legitimacy to the horror genre.

Best Actor

Jeff Bridges – Crazy Heart
George Clooney – Up in the Air
Matt Damon – The Informant!
Colin Firth – A Single Man
Michael Stuhlbarg – A Serious Man
Last Man Out: Liam Neeson – Taken

A solid list… Up until you read Liam Neeson as the sixth man. Why Neeson? If you have a role that redefines who you are as actor and it establishes a mindset with pop culture, you have achieved something. After Taken, we all think the same thing when we see Liam Neeson now: Oh snap, Liam Neeson is about to start killing people. Keep in mind, Neeson once played Michael Collins and a psychiatrist in Nell.

Best Director

Kathryn Bigelow – The Hurt Locker
James Cameron – Avatar
Pete Docter – Up
Jason Reitman – Up in the Air
Quentin Tarantino – Inglourious Basterds
Last Man/Woman Out: Neil Blomkamp – District 9

Bigelow, Cameron, Reitman, and Tarantino are not strangers to this category this year. I chose Docter over Blomkamp because too often animated films are dismissed as solely a collaborative effort. Docter had a significant hand in every aspect of Up, and it was not a hindrance at all.

Best Picture

Avatar
District 9
Drag Me to Hell
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
A Serious Man
Star Trek
Up
Up in the Air

Last Two Films Out: In the Loop and A Single Man

Nine out of these ten do not need to be explained.

So, why did I put Drag Me to Hell here? One, it is a great movie. It makes you experience fear, sorrow, and sheer ridiculousness. Horror is often a genre – like science fiction and fantasy in years past – that gets overlooked. The Exorcist is the only true horror film to get a lot of accolades, which is a shame. Maybe the trend will be reversed someday for films that truly deserve it.

Totals

Inglourious Basterds – 12
District 9 – 9
The Hurt Locker – 9
A Single Man – 7
Avatar – 6
Star Trek – 6
Drag Me to Hell – 5
Fantastic Mr. Fox – 5
A Serious Man – 5
Up – 5
Up in the Air – 4
Crazy Heart – 2
In the Loop – 2
Precious – 2
Watchmen – 2
Where the Wild Things Are – 2
The Blind Side – 1
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs – 1
Coraline – 1
An Education – 1
The Informant! – 1
Julie and Julia – 1
Nine – 1
The Road – 1
The Secret of the Kells – 1
The Young Victoria – 1

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: What would you do with a letter that changed everything?

Why do so many taglines have to be phrased as inane questions? It adds nothing. I don't know what I would do, poster- read it? Burn it in a waste-basket? What does anyone do with letters? The trailer is exactly how you think it will be- sickenly Sparksian. The worst offense is that Channing Tatum's soldier character is actually named John, thus the title is not a metaphor.




Actual tagline: Two Agents. One City. No Merci.

I see what you did there, movie. Though I ironically say "no thanks" to what you're offering me, which is what your lame pun translates as. Both poster and trailer seem pretty proud that this is by the director of Taken, but I think they underestimate how much it was Liam Neeson's "I Will Kill You In The Face!" performance that made that movie not-forgettable.

Here are some quick numbers for you:

DAVE: 67/96 noms correct, or 70%. 11 Categories with 1 or fewer misses, nailing all of Actress, Supporting Actor, and Director.

ME: 72/96 correct, or 75%. 11 Categories with 1 or fewer misses, nailing Actress, Cinematography, Visual FX, and Adapted Screenplay.

-We both missed two in Best Picture: Dave believed in Invictus more than District 9, I passed up A Serious Man for Crazy Heart on a wild hunch, and we both thought much more of Star Trek’s chances than the surprise inclusion The Blind Side.

-What does the field tell us? The Blind Side making the top ten pretty much cements Actress for Bullock, which means it’ll be four boring acting races again this year as Bridges, Waltz, and Mo’Nique haven’t been sweating it for months now.

-Two bad signs for contenders: Avatar, already losing momentum, missed out in Original Screenplay to also-rans like The Messenger and A Serious Man- granted the screenplay was always the weakest link to begin with. More worrying is Up In The Air getting shut out of Editing in favor of Precious and District 9- Reitman looks like he’ll have two contenders in a row that only go home with a screenplay award.

-What’s depressing is that one can reasonably call all the major awards right now, with Bigelow, The Hurt Locker, and Mark Boal’s script thereof, joining Reitman and Turner and the four acting favorites above. But I get excited for the techs as much as anything else, and there’s some interesting races left there.

-What’s amazing is The Hurt Locker needing only one acting nomination to match Avatar with 9 overall- nearly going bow for blow in the techs, with both sounds, editing, cinematography, SCORE. If you cancel out the common nods, it’s Avatar in Visual Effects and Art Direction matched against The Hurt Locker in Leading Actor and Original Screenplay, and there’s a clear winner there.

-True Surprises: Maggie Gyllenhaal for Crazy Heart? I was feeling pretty good about my Best Picture prediction when that popped up, but alas. A small, wonderful looking animated feature called The Secret Of Kells knocked out Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs leaving the category probably the strongest one front to back in quality.

-My big question- ten nominations was fun and all, but does anyone expect people to believe there are more than five real contenders (those being the five nominated for Director as well)? You could say District 9’s editing nod makes it a viable sixth man, but I don’t think you’d really believe yourself.

-What I’m Most Proud Of: Calling Harry Potter in cinematography, and Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Parnassus in a couple of categories. I was worried I was picking with my heart too much. I’m always stoked to get ANY of Original Song, and three is a record, I think. Plus In The Loop for adapted screenplay made me audibly cheer.

-Now to start seeing if I have any way at all of seeing the shorts, the docs, and the foreigns before showtime. Normally I make sure I’ve seen all of the Picture nominees as well, but this year… I do want to see An Education and A Serious Man if I can, but The Blind Side and Precious aren’t a priority. Eight out of ten is good, right?

(And now, for something completely different. Dave bought something like 178 CDs THAT WERE RELEASED in 2009, to say nothing of CDs he bought overall last year. As such, he brings us his top 25 albums while we're still digesting Oscar nominations. I've linked to mp3 blogs where you can download his favorite tracks from each, if you're so inclined.)



I have no freaky rules like the Grammys do. My rules are simple:

A) The albums here were released between January 1, 2009, and December 31, 2009.

B) Soundtracks, Greatest Hits, and Compilations are not the list.


25.) Amy Millan – Masters of the Burial: Imagine if my rock n’ roll girlfriend, Karen O, performed in her quiet, sweet voice all the time. You there? That is what Amy Millan sounds like and it’s quite nice. Best Song: “Bruised Ghosts”

24.) MSTRKRFT – Fist of God: Best workout, “I Want to Run Down the Street for No Apparent Reason” Album. Best Song: “Vuvuvu”

23.) Japandroids – Post-Nothing: The cacophonous melodies that appear on this album are excellent and show a promising future for these Canadians. Best Song: “Young Hearts Spark Fire”

22.) La Roux – La Roux: The soprano-voiced, techno beat princess hit it big in England… Maybe she’ll catch on here. Best Song: “In for the Kill”

21.) Simian Mobile Disco – Temporary Pleasure: I really can’t describe this album, aside from the fact that I know it’s good. Best Song: “Audacity of Huge”

20.) The Thermals – Now We Can See: You were right about the lead singer’s voice. It did take me a while to actually like it, but now that I do, I enjoy this album. Best Song: “Now We Can See”

19.) Jay – Z – The Blueprint III: The best rapper releases the best rap album of the year. Novel concept. Best Song: “Empire State of Mind”

18.) The Avett Brothers – I and Love and You: I love how music “insiders” say that Timbaland does wonders. What about Rick Rubin? Best Song: “Head Full of Doubt / Road Full of Promise”

17.) Them Crooked Vultures – Them Crooked Vultures: A throwback to the super bands of yesterday. This album proved that rock n’ roll – at its truest form – still has a pulse. Best Song: “Nobody Loves Me and Neither Do I”

16.) White Lies – To Lose My Life…: The leads singer was recently quoted as saying he has never listened to Joy Division and they do not influence his music style… Yeah… And I’m the Pope. Best Song: “Farewell to the Fairground”

15.) Band of Skulls – Baby Darling Doll Face Honey: When did the English learn to sound like the White Stripes? Best Song: “Honest”

14.) St. Vincent – Actor: I am surprised (but in a good way) that she made it onto the New Moon soundtrack for more exposure. Best Song: “Actor Out of Work”

13.) Camera Obscura – My Mauldin Life: I imagine the band Chairlift wished they had gone this route instead. Best Song: “French Navy”

12.) Peter Bjorn and John – Living Thing: Those damn Swedes! Best Song: “Nothing to Worry About”

11.) Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest: It took a little while, but this album grew steadily on me. Best Song: “Two Weeks”

10.) Metric – Fantasies: I am always impressed by a band that gets better over time. I am also amazed when I discover a band and later find out that its their fourth album. A nice reminder that I am not ahead of the curve. Best Song: “Help! I’m Alive!”

9.) Tegan and Sara – Sainthood: This is their most complete album to date. Polished, yet still innovative. Best Song: “Hell”

8.) Mobile – Tales from the City: The combination of rock and techno often merely yields a techno album that features an electric guitar. However, Mobile’s album offers rock n’ roll with but mild electronica, as to not drown out their songs. Best Song: “The Killer” (Editor’s Note: Link is to a YouTube video because Dave has obscure goddamn taste and it’s impossible to find mp3’s for some random Canadian band that no one has heard of. -Duncan)

7.) The Dead Weather – Horehound: This will do quite nicely until the next White Stripes album. Best Song: “Treat Me like Your Mother”

6.) The Field – Yesterday and Today: Best techno album of the year, bar none. The flow of this album is dreamlike. Best Song: “Leave It”

5.) Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion: Weird sounds abound, but it all works really well. I feel like this is what would happen if the Muppets were real and made an album… That is meant to be a really nice compliment. Best Song: “Summertime Clothes” (probably my favorite song of the year too)

4.) Florence and the Machine – Lungs: This is one of those albums that from start to finish, you get hooked. I am already eagerly awaiting a follow up album and I figure that she has to be a shoo-in for Best New Artist. Best Song: “Howl”

3.) Miike Snow – Miike Snow: Simply put, Miike Snow is bizarre. The melodies this trio puts out range from trippy to melodramatic to lovelorn. From the album’s opening song “Animal” (which is also the album’s first single), you get pulled in and can’t helped but be fixated by the music. One of the best debut albums in recent memory- and assuredly the best debut of the year. Best Song: “Silvia”

2.) Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s – It’s Blitz: Probably my most-listened-to album this year. It’s Blitz is a rollicking good time from start to finish, with great flow from song-to-song. The only criticism I have is the inclusion of the acoustic tracks at the end. While entertaining, they don’t really add any value to a great album. Best Song: “Heads Will Roll”

1.) White Rabbits – It’s Frightening: Where to begin with this one? The White Rabbits’ debut album Fortnightly from 2007, did not leave any impression on me. While I was not disappointed by their efforts, I was simply unmoved. However, in the two years since, they have developed into a finely tuned music machine. Every song on this album is well executed, well produced, and awesome. The intense opening beats of “Percussion Gun” to the finale of make for a lasting impression, and the best album of the year. Best Song: “Percussion Gun”

7:08 AM: I wait for the livestream.com thing to load. Here's hoping my connection can take it!

7:10 AM: Ach! Thanks for the feedback noise in the earbuds! Right now I get a beeping noise and an empty stage. Switching to the faceook feed.

7:13 AM: Okay, no more sound at all. Look! People milling about! I thought there would be some sort of preamble, but I guess they didn't feel the need to hype up the super-nerds who are tuning in to this in the first place. I guess I get to kill the next 25 minutes.

7:16 AM: Playing some music to make sure my sound is, in fact, still on. It's "Aside" by The Weakerthans up first, if you were wondering.

7:19 AM: Couldn't they have gotten Bill Murray to announce these, on Groundhog Day?

7:22 AM: On a related note, I hear that if AMPAS president Tom Sherak sees his shadow today, we get FIFTEEN nominees next year.

7:30 AM: Guy with a think Bronx accent is telling us the rules. Ten categories to announce, press kits, blah blah blah.

7:31 AM: Apparently there's a big problem with the press loitering when this is over, 'cause the guy stresses that they need to be OUT of the parking garage in two hours' time.

7:32 AM: That was it? Now we get to listen to restless crowd noise for five minutes before the real show.

7:37 AM: One minute! The excitement is palpable. Will Anne Hathaway look tired at all at 5:38 in the morning? Will she surprisingly read her own name for Bride Wars?

7:38 AM: Orchestra! Boom! Tom Sherak begins by making Sid Ganis look suave, and brings on Hathaway, lookin great at any hour.

7:39: S. Actress: Penelope Cruz? Damn! Kendrick, Farmiga (which Sherak butchers), Gyllenhaal? and Mo'Nique.

7:39: S. Actor: Matt Damon? Curses! Waltz gets a mild applause. Also, Plummer, Tucci, and Harrelson.

7:40: Actress. Scattered cheers for Bullock. No surprises. Streep, Mulligan, Sidibe, and Mirren.

7:40: Actor. Raises fist: FREEMAN!! Hooray for Renner. Firth, Bridges (no time for another standing O) and Clooney.

7:41: Director. Lee Daniels makes it as well. All of my gutsy calls ar going up in flames. Tarantino, Bigelow, Cameron, and Reitman.

7:41: A Serious Man and the Messenger in Orig Screenplay. Basterds, Locker, and Up. Ooooh, no Avatar!

7:41: Adapted. Boom! In The Loop! Called it! Nailed this whole category (and actress). District 9, An Education (Hornby five!), Precious, and Up In The Air.

7:42: I've only even heard of two of the foreign films.

7:42: The Secret of Kells? WTF?

7:42 AM: BP TIME! Avatar.. BLIND SIDE?-GAK! District 9! An Education! HUrt Locker! Basterds! Precious. A Serious Man. Up! and Up In The Air. No Star Trek? Ah, well.

7:45 AM: Aaand now it's back to milling around. I'm trying to check awardsdaily for the full list, but it's ofcourse crashed. Oscars.org it is. Full list up already.

7:47 AM: A disturbing amount of people on the "see what people are saying on facebook" thingy are all like "AVATAR!!!! YEEEESSSS!!!!" Cause for alarm?

7:51 AM: Overheard in the crowd: Some douche saying "So it's Jason [Reitman] versus James [Cameron] for best picture AND director!" Uh, where have you been, random guy? Not heard of a little Iraq-War movie and some lady that won the DGA?

Full post-mortem on the noms on the blogs later.

Oh, snap. Time for some straight up prognosticating.

Spoiler alert: This is going to take a while. I have thoughts about all nineteen categories (the three short films, documentary feature and foreign language will not be appearing, since I have seen a grand total of… one of them. That would be the short that ran in front of Up).

SOUND MIXING

Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Star Trek
Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen

I’ll stick with the guild nominees from the Cinema Audio Society on this one. Big, loud picture always have the easiest route, and the box office for Avatanic, Star Trek, Transformers, and District 9 guarantee that the screeners got maximum exposure. Thought Pixar’s been a favorite, Up wasn’t really a sonically diverse film, and it was a step back from the inventiveness of Wall-E or the The Incredibles, so I think The Hurt Locker gets a token-war-film nomination (because Nine is so dismal it won’t get a token-musical nomination).

Sadly the infamous Kevin O’Connell will not receive a twenty-first nomination (without winning) for Public Enemies. He’s always my favorite Oscar subplot when he’s got a chance to end the streak. It would be pretty cruel if his former team on Transformers wins without him, though.

More...

SOUND EDITING

Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Star Trek
Up

I put in Up on the basis that it’s an animated film, which means all sounds were created from nothing, so I see it getting a nod for the creation of effects (rather than for the mixing of effects with sound recorded on-set). And I took out Transformers: Explodier and Incoherenter because it’s got the least buzz of all the films left, and because the mixing of the fx with recordings of real military crafts and such seems like the safer bet.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

Avatar
District 9
Star Trek

Also, remember when the first Transformers was nominated for special effects and everyone was sure it would win and then it didn’t? I’m not getting burned like that again. Thanks for playing, movies that aren’t Avatar. Enjoy hearing your names read at the Oscars.

COSTUMES

The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
Inglourious Basterds
Nine
Sherlock Holmes
The Young Victoria

Two films seem pretty safe: Victoria and Nine (despite the flop) are locked in, but the other three are anybody’s guess. So I ended up with three home-picks- Basterds’s designer has been nominated for WWII work in the past, and the final two did get Costume Designer’s Guild nominations.

MAKEUP

District 9
The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
Star Trek

Aliens, Gilliam-induced acid hallucinations, and more aliens.

ART DIRECTION

Avatar
District 9
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Inglourious Basterds
Sherlock Holmes

District 9 is my gutsy call here- though it did get a BAFTA nomination. The real question is Avatar- it seems inevitable, but this award is shared with set designers, and the votes haven’t been kind to green-screen work so far. But you can’t ignore $2 billion.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Avatar
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
The White Ribbon

Sorry, Nine. You were the favorite until you crashed and burned. Bruno Delbonnel, of Amelie fame, steals the spot for his Harry Potter work, and the others came straight from the guild.

ORIGINAL SCORE

Alexandre Desplat, Fantastic Mr. Fox
Michael Giacchino, Star Trek
Michael Giacchino, Up
Marvin Hamlisch, The Informant!
James Horner, Avatar

Giacchino for Up is the sure winner, but he gets the twofer this year. Desplat has something like seventeen scores eligible, but Foxwas the best (and I don’t think AMPAS wants to nominate Twilight: New Moon for anything). Everyone was super-excited about Hamlisch returning to film scores after a decade, and Avatar continues to get in every categories’ business, even though Horner’s droning score is more of a sleep aid.

ORIGINAL SONG

Avatar- “I Will See You”
Crazy Heart- “The Weary Kind”
The Princess and the Frog- “Almost There”
The Princess and the Frog- “Down In New Orleans”
Where The Wild Things Are- “All Is Love”

This category can bite me. Every year it makes no sense. I feel comfortable predicting that much like Bruce Springsteen last year, the voters will decide that the Oscar telecast doesn’t need a performance from U2 (Brothers) or Paul McCartney (Everybody’s Fine). My gut tells me they’ll either only nominate three songs again, or do the patented Disney-double-dip again and make everyone groan. Here’s hoping Randy Newman wins and gives everyone the finger.

ANIMATED FEATURE

Avatar
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess And The Frog
Up

Though it’s excitingly the first year there will be five nominees in this category, it turned out to be rather easy to predict, with the winner even easier. Oh well.

EDITING

Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Up In The Air

This category normally mirrors the Best Picture heavies, but with a random action movie thrown in (like The Bourne Ultimatum that one time). I went with District 9 to take the place of Precious, and Inglourious Basterds to get a mention as well, despite missing the guild nomination.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

District 9
An Education
In The Loop
Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire
Up In The Air

How rare is it for this category to only have two locks in it? Those would be Precious and Up In The Air, the surefire winner. The rest could go many places, from Fantastic Mr. Fox to Star Trek, or even Where The Wild Things Are.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

(500) Days Of Summer
Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Up

Sorry, Coen brothers. I’m still not even clear why it’s in this category and not adapted, anyway, since A Serious Man was based on the book of Job, but hey, Avatar is just Pocahontas with new names. Summer takes the last spot among Best Picture nominees here.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Vera Farmiga, Up In The Air
Anna Kendrick, Up In The Air
Diane Kruger, Inglourious Basterds
Mo’Nique, Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire
Julianne Moore, A Single Man

Can we ever have a year when three of the four acting races aren’t clearly decided months before the ceremony? No?

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
Anthony Mackie, The Hurt Locker
Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

Boom! Mackie’s going to pull a Michael Shannon and sneak in to this category. You read it here… maybe not first, but at some point. Mark it. The rest of the field is pretty set.

LEADING ACTRESS

Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
Carey Mulligan, An Education
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire
Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

It’s not going to be long before someone edits all of the “Julie” portions out of Julie & Julia (much like how people edited Jar Jar Binks out of The Phantom Menace) and leave only Meryl Streep’s performance as Julia Child. But Sandra Bullock could deny her a third Oscar, though her win would feel like little more than a bone toss to The Blind Side fans, with their “values” and “decency” and other foreign things.

LEADING ACTOR

Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
George Clooney, Up In The Air
Matt Damon, The Informant!
Colin Firth, A Single Man
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Let me just say, if Morgan Freeman gets in over Matt Damon, I’ll be pissed- because I feel like it shouldn’t happen, but many other places are predicting it will. But he was great in The Informant!- it was even one of those Oscar-type roles where you gain weight and act crazy.

DIRECTOR

Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Neil Blomkamp, District 9
James Cameron, Avatar
Jason Reitman, Up In The Air
Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds

Going for broke: Daniels out, Blomkamp in. There’s usually one DGA nominee that’s not in the category, and Daniels is number five on the list right now.

PICTURE

I’m going to do this in order of probability to win, with thoughts on each one.

1. The Hurt Locker

Hopefully it didn’t move to front-runner status a bit too soon, with more than a month for people to settle back into acceptance of Avatar’s inevitability. But how great would it be if the critics and AMPAS agreed on the best film of the year for once?

2. Avatar

Look, I was pretty upset last year when the academy decided it didn’t have to nominate The Dark Knight just because it made a ton of money. I suppose, however, that I can at least respect the attempt at integrity. But if they go ahead and reverse themselves and give Cameron little Oscars with 3D glasses on them, I am done. You hear me? Done*.

3. Up In The Air

Still not quite dead, the favorite from festival season is still the most traditional “Oscar picture” left in the race. And Clooney demonstrated with the Haiti telethon that his smile alone can get a whole lot done.

4. Inglourious Basterds

Tarantino’s film is a masterpiece, but it still had enough edge to keep it from the top of AMPAS’ lists, even though it seems relatively mild compared to something like Kill Bill. It’s only a matter of time before he makes his No Country For Old Men and is fully embraceable.

5. Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire

At one point it seemed like this year’s Slumdog, a small picture destined to ride a wave of white guilt to the podium. But after a little backlash, it seems to have lost steam to the point that Mo’Nique’s award is all it will get.

6. District 9

I seriously feel that this film will be the Nader to Avatar’s Al Gore, if you know what I mean.

7. An Education

Old-school Oscar film number two. Carey Mulligan and the screenplay have kept the profile high enough to keep it in mind.

8. Up

Hooray for animated films getting token respect. I liked Up as much as the next person, but was it better than Wall-E?

9. Star Trek
10. Crazy Heart

Yep, those are my last two. Yeah, that’s right- I’m predicting an across the board shut-out for BOTH A Serious Man and Invictus. No one seems to mention them at all.

We’ll see you back tomorrow with how the predictions went, and some counter-programming from Dave.

TOTALS:

Avatar- 11
The Hurt Locker- 9
Inglourious Basterds- 9
District 9- 9
Star Trek- 6
Up In The Air- 7
Up- 5
Precious- 4
An Education- 3
Crazy Heart- 3
The Princess and the Frog- 3
Sherlock Holmes- 2
The Imaginarium Of Dr. Parnassus- 2
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince- 2
Fantastic Mr. Fox- 2
The Informant!- 2
A Single Man- 2
The Last Station- 2
A Bunch Of Others- 1

*This is not true. I'll never be done with the Oscars.

It's that time again, folks. Here are my friend Dave's picks for everything but the shorts, documentary, and foreign- because we live in Milwaukee and haven't seen any of them.

Best Sound Effects

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Star Trek
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Up

LOUD NOISES!

Best Sound Effects Editing

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Star Trek
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Up

LOUDER NOISES!

More...

Best Special Effects

Avatar
Star Trek
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Pretty things…

Best Costume Design

An Education
Inglourious Basterds
Nine
A Single Man
The Young Victoria

Prettier things…

Best Production Design

The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Nine
A Single Man
Where the Wild Things Are

More pretty things…

Best Makeup

District 9
Star Trek
The Young Victoria

Best Cinematography

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
A Serious Man
A Single Man

::Nodding Head::

Best Original Score

Avatar
An Education
A Single Man
Star Trek
Up

Best Song

Avatar – “I Will See You”
Brothers – “Winter”
Crazy Heart – “The Weary Kind”
Everybody’s Fine – “I Want to Come Home”
Where the Wild Things Are – “All Is Love” (not a homer pick at all…)

Best Animated Feature

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess and the Frog
Up

Best Film Editing

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious
Up in the Air

One category to decide them all… Sort of…

Best Adapted Screenplay

District 9
An Education
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Precious
Up in the Air

I feel pretty confident about this category. I have not further explain as to why.

Best Original Screenplay

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
A Serious Man
Up

Same here…

Mo’Nique Delivers Another Speech Best Supporting Actress

Vera Farmiga – Up in the Air
Anna Kendrick – Up in the Air
Mo’Nique – Precious
Julianne Moore – A Single Man
Samantha Morton – The Messenger

This was a pretty easy category to pick. I would have put Penelope Cruz here for Nine, but that film has just fallen off the radar. I placed Morton in her place. Dark Horse: Penelope Cruz – Nine, if she is still the voter’s darling.

The Christoph Waltz Award Best Supporting Actor

Matt Damon – Invictus
Woody Harrelson – The Messenger
Christopher Plummer – The Last Station
Stanley Tucci – The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz – Inglourious Basterds

Too easy. Dark Horse: Anthony Mackie – The Hurt Locker

Best Actress

Sandra Bullock – The Blind Side
Helen Mirren – The Last Station
Carey Mulligan – An Education
Gabourey Sidibe – Precious
Meryl Streep – Julie and Julia

The Bullock-Streep title bout takes center stage here. The two newcomers, Mulligan and Sidibe, will be rewarded with nominations – and be content with that. I figure Mirren for the last spot because she’s always a favorite and there really is no one else. Dark Horse: Emily Blunt – The Young Victoria

Best Actor

Jeff Bridges – Crazy Heart
George Clooney – Up in the Air
Matt Damon – The Informant!
Colin Firth – A Single Man
Jeremy Renner – The Hurt Locker

I feel that Bridges, Clooney, and Firth are locks. I would bet the farm on them. The last two spots have been toss ups over the last several weeks. Damon has gotten a Golden Globe nomination, while Renner got a BAFTA nomination. I feel that those two are the most likely candidates because Renner leads the most lauded film of the year, and Damon is going to get nominated because it is a good performance (from what I hear) and he has not been nominated since Good Will Hunting. Dark Horse: RDJ – Sherlock Holmes

Best Director

Kathryn Bigelow – The Hurt Locker
James Cameron – Avatar
Lee Daniels – Precious
Jason Reitman – Up in the Air
Quentin Tarantino – Inglourious Basterds

Another category where four are locks (Bigelow, Cameron, Reitman, and Tarantino), and there is one slot open. Eastwood, Daniels, and JJ Abrams are the most likely to fill that last spot. Pete Docter will be overlooked for Up because animation has not come that far – yet. I figure it to be Daniels because the DGA gave him the nomination over Eastwood and Abrams has not seen any love this year. Dark Horse: Lone Scherfig – An Education.

Best Picture

Avatar
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Invictus
Precious
A Serious Man
Star Trek
Up
Up in the Air

I feel very confident about nine of these ten being here. The one I don’t? A Serious Man. I feel that the last spot comes down to the Coen Brothers’ film or District 9. Invictus gets in on pure prestige, as its odds have faded considerably since its release. Dark Horse: District 9

Totals:
Avatar – 10
The Hurt Locker – 9
Inglourious Basterds – 8
Up in the Air – 7
Precious – 6
A Single Man – 6
Up – 6
Star Trek - 6
An Education – 5
A Serious Man – 3
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – 3
Where the Wild Things Are – 2
Crazy Heart – 2
Fantastic Mr. Fox – 2
Invictus – 2
The Last Station – 2
The Messenger – 2
Nine – 2
District 9 – 2
The Young Victoria – 2
The Blind Side – 1
Brothers – 1
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs – 1
Coraline – 1
Everybody’s Fine – 1
The Informant! – 1
Julie and Julia – 1
The Lovely Bones – 1
The Princess and the Frog – 1

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Some Secrets Take Us To The Edge

That doesn't really tell me much, poster. Unless that secret that takes us to the edge is... anti-semitism? (Obligatory. It's his first movie back!)

From The Trailer: Turns out the entire tag goes thusly: Some Memories Never Fade. Some Feeling Never Change. Some Secrets Take Us To The Edge.

Also we learn this is another in the suddenly-lucrative "Don't Mess With My Daughter" subgenre after the slight sucess of last year's The Last House On The Left and the surprise smash hit Taken. Some people kill Mel-Gibson-The-Cop's daughter, and he, well, kills all of them.




Actual tagline: Did You Ever Wish For The Impossible?

Another bafflingly cryptic poster/tag combination. What's "the impossible"? To have a giant right shoulder and a teeny left one? For your fingernails to be edible? Fitting five people in an old-school mini-cooper?

From The Trailer: Again, no additional motto.

But we do discover that Kristen Bell is unlucky in love, and needs a high concept rom-com to find it! Spoiler Alert: she falls in love and it ends happily and our memories of Veronica Mars die just a little.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Don't hope for a miracle. Make one

Miracles by definition are something you can only hope for, unless you happen to believe in a deity (or so I hear). Then you can pray to said deity, or maybe blackmail it, until the miracle is delivered.

From The Trailer: They Had Everything To Lose. So They Risked It All. (What?)




Actual tagline: When The Last Angel Falls... The Fight For Mankind Begins.

Is it religious week? It's nice to see Paul Bettany paying his bills, but why would an angel need a semi-automatic? And this is just me thinking out loud but why would an angel have a bellybutton, since he/she/it would not be born of woman?

From The Trailer: No more slogans there, but I bet there's a fun drinking game in this film if you do a shot every time Bettany uses his gravelly badass voice and says Angels.




Actual tagline: The Tooth Hurts.

OR: You Can't Handle The Tooth.

Rejcted ideas for these posters, I'm sure: The Tooth About Cats And Dogs. An Inconvenient Tooth. We Hold These Tooths To Be Self-Evident. and so on.

Sidenote: I wonder if in the future, this will lead to some hilarious Netflix queue mix-ups with the straight-to-DVD horror movie of the same name.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

No joke, internets. One of the resolutions I made this year was to not miss a single week of this feature, since it's breezy to write and fun, and then I got bronchitis and missed the very first week. So we start 2010 with a double installment of last Friday's wide releases and this week's.

Actual tagline: Anna planned to propose to her boyfriend on February 29th. This is not her boyfriend.

What a reversal, poster! You should just keep it going: This is not Anna. This is not a movie poster. You are not yourself. NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS!

From the trailer: When life surprises you... don't be afraid to take a LEAP of faith.

Also feel free to take a bunch of pratfalls, apparently. Quick googling reveals the "women can propose on leap day" legend to be a real thing (or a real legend, anyway). I wonder if the movie will adhere to all of the traditions supposedly involved, like the woman having to wear a scarlet flannel petticoat while proposing (and the man paying her a forfeit for turning her down, like a silk gown or 100 pounds).




Actual tagline: He Wasn't a Rebel Until He Found His Cause.

Raise your hand if you are in the target demographic for this Michael Cera vehicle and have seen Rebel Without A Cause. No one? Do you know who stars in it? No? And yet the title has survived in the pop consciousness enough for this tagline to make sense. Go figure.




Actual tagline: In 2019, the most precious natural resource... is us.

That's not proper grammar, is it? One would never say "In 2019, us is the most precious natural resource." Also this poster seems to want me to think that this movie is like The Matrix, but... blue.

From the trailer: This Winter, the battle between Immortality and Humanity.. IS ON.



Actual tagline: Some will kill to have it. He will kill to protect it.

Presumably, "it" is the titular book. Without any other context, I assume this is some sort of post-apocalyptic librarian movie.




Actual tagline: Part spy, part babysitter, all hero.

A difficult choice between that and the equally lame Spying is easy, babysitting is hard. Is Jackie Chan officially only able to get children as costars now? What happened to B-Movie actresses like Claire Forlani and Jennifer Love-Hewitt? Were they deterred by his joints making ungodly noises while still performing his own stunts (he's 55)?

I do love how the poster keeps going- still not sold? How about Billy Ray Cyrus! And George Lopez! Will that do it?

From the trailer: There was something that was all like "Bob Ho has dethroned dictators, but he's about to face his greatest challenge yet... White children!" or something but I was too busy clenching my teeth to notice. Cyrus and Lopez are apparently worse actors than Jackie Chan, and a pig is fed bacon. Thought you should know.




Actual tagline: The story of a life and everything that came after...

More accurately, a death and everything that came after. I'm pretty grateful that this movie has no Oscar potential at all, because now I won't feel obligated to see it at all. Murder makes people sad? You don't say.

A look at the taglines for this week's major releases. How do studios try to hook us when they only have a sentence?

Actual tagline: Who Will Be The Last Man Standing?

OR: To Protect and Serve. Yourself.

A film about an armored truck heist picked the second-most indicatie of those three words for the title (to be fair, there's already a Heist, and Truck would be worse). And then the theives turn on each other? Until only one is left standing? Is he standing on the truck?

And armored truck guards are not police, I believe, so I doubt they take the exact same oath to "protect and serve."




Actual tagline: There are two sides to every family.

I guess there are, Brothers, I guess there are. I'm not sure if I like that better than the original Danish film's tagline: "How far would you go for Family... Surival... Love..."

One is a nonsensical platitude, the other keeps heading toward a question mark that never comes. Let's let the internet at large decide!




Actual tagline: Frank wanted the holidays to be picture perfect. What he got was family.

Wow, that stings. Sam Rockwell, I forgive you. It may take some time, and I'll cringe everytime I see commercials for this film, but I'll forgive you, I promise.

I bet this would make a hilarious Rockwell/Kate Beckinsale double feature if you watched it and Snow Angels back to back.




Actual tagline: Euro-trashed! Euro-smashed! Euro-slashed!

OR: College kids. The other white meat.

This terrible-looking comedy has some terrible slogans, sure, but the bigger issue here is this: this movie used to be Dorm Daze 3, as in National Lampoon Presents Dorm Daze 3, which means that the name of the National Lampoon film series has been tread on so much in recent years that they've REMOVED IT FROM THE NAME of this meaningless trifle, instead latching onto the vampire craze of the late aughts to carry it to sub-mediocrity.

What is the world (of incomprehensibly not direct-to-dvd campus comedies) coming to these days?