Kinematoscope

IN FILM NEWS:

I'd just like to reiterate to all the real film bloggers and journalists out there how little I care about their reviews from Cannes- please keep you reviews short, spoiler free, and remind us when/where if the film in question will be released. Unless you're going to make it more of a personal diary- like Sasha Stone's tales of badge-caste-system woe, you posting your lengthy diatribes about films that the rest of us might never even see in theaters is just douche-y. Obviously there are exceptions, like Robin Hood opening Cannes right before its national release, but still.


ON KINEMATOSCOPE:

Taglines! Last week we murdered by phone and met a pooka, this week we'll be hustling Minnesota Fats and adopting a loveable orphan.

LAME CASTING PUN OF THE WEEK:

Three ladies cast in a film entitled Wild Oats. The headline:
Actresses Love Their 'Oats'

MOST PRETENTIOUS REVIEW QUOTE:

Keith Phipps of The A.V. Club reviews Robin Hood and claims it has "a trebuchet-like pace." Which literally made me laugh out loud. Does that mean the pace takes a super-long time to reload? Does it move really fast at first, and then slowly rock back and forth as if on a wheeled base?

BOX OFFICE:

Robin Hood flops, finishing with 36m to Iron Man 2's 52m- this despite allegedly very similar budgets...

Actual tagline: None.

Bah. Academy this, nominated that. I'm not that much of a sucker for awards baiting, poster. (Or am I? I'll probably see this, lackluster reviews and all).




Actual tagline: In this game... every shot counts.

That would be the game of looooooove, ladies and gentlemen. As opposed to professional basketball, where only every fourth shot counts, though on alternate Fridays and the day after a new moon it's every third shot (but the players can only shoot underhand).

For some reason, I assumed that "Wright" was the last name of the famous NBA star that falls for Queen Latifah, making the title pun at least a little feasible, but it's her character's surname after all. But maybe she's a famous physical therapist with name recognition, or something.




Actual tagline: What if you had a second chance to find true love?

Rhetorical question alert! I love "questions" that are just there to tell you the basic plot. Is there an answer to that?

It's as if someone asked you: "What if you were a robot sent back in time to kill the mother of a future human resistance leader?" The response to both questions is an awkward "That would...be nice, I guess?"