Kinematoscope

At the library where I work, a lady was checking out The Transporter. She asked if we had the sequels, but we just at The Transporter 3, not 2. She thought about it and asked me, earnestly:

"Do you think I'll be able to understand what's going on?"

To which I replied: "You mean... transporting? I think you'll be okay."

I left a voicemail for Dave, proud owner of all three Transporters, and got this email the next day:

"Dunc-

Here's what I would have told that woman...

Well, "The Transporter 2" is a bit sleeker than its predecesor. Louis Leterrier assumes full control of the film, as opposed to sharing the helm with Cory Yuen on the first film. The second film picks up in a new, unexpected locale: Miami, Florida. Frank Martin has now taken a position as a transporter... Of children. He serves as the personal chaffeur and Dr. Ruth for the Billings Family. Jefferson Billings, as portrayed by the Golden Globe-nominated, Chute defeating, and WNBA fan Matthew Modine, is the family patriarch who serves as the director the National Drug Control Policy and is hell-bent on cleaning up the country's drug lords. How one becomes a director of a policy remains to be seen. Gianni Chellini happens to be Miami's most nefarious drug lord. Chellini is played by Italy's own Allessandro Gassman, who's film credits include "Windsurf" and "Big Deal After 20 Years," dispatches his henchwoman, the sultry Lola. Lola, not Russian in the slightest attempts to kidnap the Billings' son at a doctor's appointment Martin has taken him to. A wild shoot-out ensues, with Martin blowing up the office with an oxygen tank. Lola then intercepts Martin, and young Jack Billings, at the entrance to the Billings' estate. Lola forces her way into the vehicle and a wild chase ensues. To sum the chase best, Martin drives his Audi A8 W12 off of a parking garage rooftop into another building that is under construction. Obviously, the special effects make this sequence completely believable. Martin is then taken for a face-to-face meeting with Gianni. While meeting at Gianni's warehouse, Gianni kidnaps Jack and Martin's car is booby-trapped with bomb under the carriage. Martin notices the bomb via a puddle and proceeds to flip the car over, and catch the bomb on a crane hook. However, the Audi A8 W12 is ruined from the impact on the ground. Lola and Gianni have announced their demands and receive payment for the safe return of fair Jack. Unknown to the Billings family and the local authorities, Jack has been infected with a lethal virus that will kill anyone who comes into contact with it within 48 hours. Martin is not happy or amused by this. Martin takes matters into his own hands. Many Russians die because they have a deal with Italian drug lords that work in cooperation with Colombian suppliers. Martin fights a very large man for mild comic relief. Martin winds up with some of the all important antidote and delivers a vial to cure ailing Jack. Martin goes to Gianni's home and fights off numerous henchmen. Finally, preparing to battle Gianni, Lola steps in. A struggle ensues and Lola ends up as a part of an art piece in the living room. Martin then steals Gianni's Ferrari and chases down an airplane. Once aboard, Martin does two things: Displays his British hospitality and KILLS! The plane crashes and an underwater battle ensues. Martin incapacitates Gianni by crushing his spine with his elbow. The antidote is then synthesized from Gianni's blood to cure all the world's problems. I am leaving out the intricate subplot surrounding Gianni's sexuality, the arrival and importance of Tarconi's dinner, and the influence of French New Wave Cinema upon Leterrier's vision. I would say that it is utterly pivotal that you watch this movie to fully understand the multiple storylines that make up what is often described as the greatest action movie trilogy that stars Jason Statham of all-time."