Kinematoscope

At the library where I work, a lady was checking out The Transporter. She asked if we had the sequels, but we just at The Transporter 3, not 2. She thought about it and asked me, earnestly:

"Do you think I'll be able to understand what's going on?"

To which I replied: "You mean... transporting? I think you'll be okay."

I left a voicemail for Dave, proud owner of all three Transporters, and got this email the next day:

"Dunc-

Here's what I would have told that woman...

Well, "The Transporter 2" is a bit sleeker than its predecesor. Louis Leterrier assumes full control of the film, as opposed to sharing the helm with Cory Yuen on the first film. The second film picks up in a new, unexpected locale: Miami, Florida. Frank Martin has now taken a position as a transporter... Of children. He serves as the personal chaffeur and Dr. Ruth for the Billings Family. Jefferson Billings, as portrayed by the Golden Globe-nominated, Chute defeating, and WNBA fan Matthew Modine, is the family patriarch who serves as the director the National Drug Control Policy and is hell-bent on cleaning up the country's drug lords. How one becomes a director of a policy remains to be seen. Gianni Chellini happens to be Miami's most nefarious drug lord. Chellini is played by Italy's own Allessandro Gassman, who's film credits include "Windsurf" and "Big Deal After 20 Years," dispatches his henchwoman, the sultry Lola. Lola, not Russian in the slightest attempts to kidnap the Billings' son at a doctor's appointment Martin has taken him to. A wild shoot-out ensues, with Martin blowing up the office with an oxygen tank. Lola then intercepts Martin, and young Jack Billings, at the entrance to the Billings' estate. Lola forces her way into the vehicle and a wild chase ensues. To sum the chase best, Martin drives his Audi A8 W12 off of a parking garage rooftop into another building that is under construction. Obviously, the special effects make this sequence completely believable. Martin is then taken for a face-to-face meeting with Gianni. While meeting at Gianni's warehouse, Gianni kidnaps Jack and Martin's car is booby-trapped with bomb under the carriage. Martin notices the bomb via a puddle and proceeds to flip the car over, and catch the bomb on a crane hook. However, the Audi A8 W12 is ruined from the impact on the ground. Lola and Gianni have announced their demands and receive payment for the safe return of fair Jack. Unknown to the Billings family and the local authorities, Jack has been infected with a lethal virus that will kill anyone who comes into contact with it within 48 hours. Martin is not happy or amused by this. Martin takes matters into his own hands. Many Russians die because they have a deal with Italian drug lords that work in cooperation with Colombian suppliers. Martin fights a very large man for mild comic relief. Martin winds up with some of the all important antidote and delivers a vial to cure ailing Jack. Martin goes to Gianni's home and fights off numerous henchmen. Finally, preparing to battle Gianni, Lola steps in. A struggle ensues and Lola ends up as a part of an art piece in the living room. Martin then steals Gianni's Ferrari and chases down an airplane. Once aboard, Martin does two things: Displays his British hospitality and KILLS! The plane crashes and an underwater battle ensues. Martin incapacitates Gianni by crushing his spine with his elbow. The antidote is then synthesized from Gianni's blood to cure all the world's problems. I am leaving out the intricate subplot surrounding Gianni's sexuality, the arrival and importance of Tarconi's dinner, and the influence of French New Wave Cinema upon Leterrier's vision. I would say that it is utterly pivotal that you watch this movie to fully understand the multiple storylines that make up what is often described as the greatest action movie trilogy that stars Jason Statham of all-time."

Remember when Guy Ritchie was cool? What happened? Oh yeah, he married Madonna, cast her in a remake of Swept Away, and renamed her character after his mother. I wonder why that didn't work out?

But today, we take a look at his triumphant emergence on the scene with 1999's Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.

The Key Players:

Ritchie recently proved he could direct something other than comic gangster fables with the winning Sherlock Holmes, though that in its way was sort of like Snatch or Lock, Stock without the kickin' soundtrack. But his shtick had been getting a little old, as witnessed by the serviceable but indifferently-recieved RocknRolla, even after his departures had gone even worse (like the ridiculously misguided Revolver and the aforementioned Swept Away). Holmes has brought the newly Madonna-free Ritchie back into standing as a bankable talent- I guess we'll see how he cashes it in.

He directs a large ensemble, the only notables of which include future action-superstar Jason Statham (The Transporters, Cranks, The Italian Job) and a cameo by some banjo player named Gordon Sumner (though Jason Flemyng and Dexter Fletcher have pretty solid careers as "Hey It's That Guy!"s).



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The Story:

Our ostensible main characters are four friends: a card sharp, a cook, a grifter, and a...dude played by Jason Statham (I guess he's also a grifter, as it were) pool £100,000 to back the card sharp in a high stakes game- a game that turns out to be rigged, and they end up with a £500,000 debt to a local "porn king."

The porn king, meanwhile, hires two incompetent thugs to steal the titular pair of priceless antique rifles, a group of criminals robs a trio of middle-class marijuana-growers, drawing the ire of their afro-headed supplier and his own thugs.

Our four heroes decide to rob the first group of criminals after they've cleaned out the weed-farm, keep the cash, and sell the weed to the local kingpin- who is of course the same afro-ed psycho they've indirectly stolen it from. They purchase some guns along the way, but all they can scrounge are two anicent rifles they're not sure will even fire. Hmmm.

The Artistry:

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels clearly demonstrates Ritchie's propensity for fun montages, acid-washed visuals, and a frenetic pacing right away (though one can argue that producer Matthew Vaughn might deserve just as much credit).

But the screenplay's balance of wit, sarcasm, casual profanity, and fully-formed characters (or cariacatures) are what makes it worth multiple viewings.

Nearly every character, no matter the limited amount of time, makes an impression- be it's Sting's glowering father figure, Vinnie Jones as an acerbic muscleman (not that he plays anything else, really), the bumbling comic duo that steals the rifles, or Vas Blackwood silently watching the tv after lighting a tosser on fire.

The cockney rhyming slang helps, especially since it's just presented as is instead of explained (like in the weakest single scene from Ocean's 11).

I suppose the frank portrayal of gangland violence was sort of extreme, even just 11 years ago, but it's a yawn these days. Oh, he shot off a dude's foot? Meh.

But the lived-in underworld that Lock, Stock creates is memorable enough to be worth visiting again (which Ritchie himself would do with Snatch), and the breezy chemistry of the cast (the celebratory montage of drinking between our heroes late in the film seems pretty real) makes it a minor modern classic.

THE ENDING! SPOILERS!

The muscleman (and his moppet son) ends up with the money, the two bands of criminals take each other out, and our four compatriots have only two musty rifles to show for their troubles (but no debt, after the duo of thugs takes out the porn king in a hilarious crossed-wire act of desperation). They send loudmouth Tom to throw them off a bridge, just as they realize they're worth a quarter mil each! A hilarious ambiguous freeze-frame ensues.

END SPOILERS


Overall: Should It Be Higher, Lower?

I like it right here: a unique vision, a fun time had by all. My only quibble would be that Snatch is even higher, while Matthew Vaughn's superior Layer Cake is nowhere to be found. But you can't have everything.

The Legacy:

Surely the whole "Guy Ritchie movie" Type has lead to the greenlighting of lesse fare, your Smokin' Aceses of the world and all. There was also brief tv series adapted from the film.

The Best Video Of It On YouTube:

I'm pretty partial to the very opening scene, with Statham's rapid patter giving way to a kickass Ocean Colour Scene set flight from the 'cozzers.'



Leftover Thoughts:

-The lack of an Oxford comma in this film's title bothers me. I will defend the Oxford comma with my life.

-My favorite running joke is the way everyone makes fun of Flemyng's character as if he's fat. "Tom what have you been eating?"

-Most of the quotes are funnier in context, really. It's the banter, not the lines themselves.


Coming Up...

170. V For Vendetta

169. Star Trek

168. The Wages Of Fear